Question:
I found out six months ago. 5.5 months ago I met the greatest man in the world (he 43 and me 37). Our relationship grew and we fell in love. We're both divorced and have children. When I realized that we were falling in love I told him I was infected with genital herpes. Of course he was floored but we continued getting to know one another and our love grew deeper. His main concern was that of his daughter. He wanted to know if she could be infected through blood. He was first told "no" but one of those nurse on calls. Then we went to see my doc and was told that there was less than 10% chance that she could be infected but a higher probability that she would not. This scared him BIG TIME. I have only had one outbreak and it was very minimum. But when he asked my doctor how the outbreaks would affect him, and she told him it varied depending up the overall health of the person, but some have serious and very painful outbreaks, well you guessed it, he got more scared. Consequently, the fear has overwhelmed him and after 5.5 months, he decided he couldn't be with me anymore despite his love for me.

My question is this: Is there anything I can do to help alleviate some of that fear. I know the facts are the facts, but the fear has consumed him so much that he doesn't even want to see me. Our love is real and to go from planning a future to having no future doesn't sit too well with me. I believe in our love and I believe he's my match, but unless there's something that I can do or say to alleviate some of that fear, all is lost.

Suggestions please? :cry:

Answer:
I consider herpes a huge test of love. He obviously failed the test, and time will show that this was better. There are even more difficult tests that love will face in the long run...

The man that I love didn't even think for a moment before he said it didnt matter to him. He says he'll get the virus if that what it takes to be with me. That's love.

Given that you give it to him (it is possible, but being careful gives him a 90 percent chance of not getting it), unless he is having sex with his daughter, theres no way she could get it.

You need to get more well-informed. You should have already known everything the nurse told you by now! (and it appears even she didnt know what she was talking about). Knowledge is definitely power in dealing with herpes and preventing its transmission.


as for informing partners, i think the following is great:

http://www.ihmf.org/general/resources02.asp


Its terrible that these things happen to us. It hurts when something great gets ruined because they couldnt deal with it.

Make sure he is well informed and this is not just blind fear. The general population stigmatizes these things. If he knows the whole truth about the virus (1 in 4 people have it, its only spread by genital contact, ands never as bad as people think...), he still doesnt want to be with you, your time would be better spend searching for the one that will love you enough to accept it.

I read something on the board once that someone said that made sense. Getting herpes changes almost everything about you. You shed an old you and become wiser, more mature. This new you, the one that he fell in love with, would not exist without the disease. Do you think he knows that? He can't love you without accepting what's made you who you are.

Good luck. Keep your head up. Theres so much more out there.

Answer:
Thank you "Iwasfading" for responding. I didn't think anyone would. To just clarify a couple of things. The nurse was the one who told him that his daughter could not get the herpes through blood transfusions. Then my doctor who said she's had experience in this since 1984 said it was a remote possibility 10%. So when he heard that, that's what turned him completely around. I am so angry. I feel as if I have the plague. He won't see me, but yet just called last evening telling me how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to hug and kiss me, wanted to come home to me and go to sleep next to me every night, but still he hadn't changed his mind. I suggested counseling. Because of what my doctor told him regarding his daughter, he won't even consider it now. He much rather give up than fight for all those things that he says he wants. I cannot tell you how unfair and cruel this feels. I feel as if I have aids and I don't. :cry:

I introduced him to my children because he felt it was okay to introduce me to his daughter first. Things were so so great and now my world has become dark, gloomy and very lonely. :cry: :)

Thank you for responding. It's was so very nice of you to do that. If you have any more information, please share it with me. :lol:

Answer:
you know, i've been in therapy for a little while now, and it really seems to be helping me deal with the consequences of being diagnosed.

the best thing that you can do right now is take control your life. You can never have another outbreak again if you make lifestyle changes. Axe the caffeine, eat right, excercise, avoid chocolate, stress... theres a book "the truth about herpes" which my doctor recommended for all the details that make living with it much easier.

you have to realize that once you get over the psychological aspects of this, the physical ones aren't that bad. the best way to stop living in gloom is to actively seek paths out of it.... ie, controlling outbreaks and doing all the same things you enjoyed before all this happened.

don't let this man continue to toy with your emotions. he has made his decision. suggest counseling, say its obvious he has mixed emotions about this if he called you saying he wanted to kiss hug (...) you, but you are just not psychologically capable of dealing with another emotional roller coaster.

he probably believes he's being the most unselfish person now... giving up love for his daughter. has he been there to help you through this? Lifted you up when you needed it? or has he been obsessed with his own potential infection?

its terrible. noone will ever say it isnt. just, make the decision to fight your way out of the hole herpes knocked you in.

you do not have the plague... do not let this situation make you feel stained and unwanted. his total lack of compassion has thrown you off.... most people understand, they really do. most people recognize that they can't judge you for something you didnt anticipate or deserve. most people realize that they could easily be in your shoes and treat you how they would want to be treated.

i was only diagnosed 2 months ago. I am a virgin, it took one time getting oral sex to give me herpes. I am 19 years old. hows that for a hard pill to swallow? sex is ruined before i even got a taste of it.

but, i'm surviving, living passionately because all of this has made me realize just how fragile and precious my life is. there are still times when i get sad. but... its not worth it. theres too much to do! we have to re-organize our entire lives (lol all the things that you are supposed to do to keep yourself outbreak-free are the things we've been telling ourselves we were gonna do for years). theres no use fighting it or feeling sorry for ourselves. it's with us for life, we might as well accept it. we have to shed our old selves and make something beautiful in its place. and i'll be damned if i'm gonna waste my time in gloom anymore when there's so much work to be done.


good luck, just remember control. you control how much he hurts you from now on. you control how the virus affects you. everything, everything... don't relinquish it by being sad anymore!

Answer:
You are a very courageous and self-assured young lady. I guess the saying the old can still learn from the young is very evident at this moment. Thank you for your kinds words of encouragement. Thank you for your support and you're right. It is with us and we just have to accept it and move on. You are very fortunate to have someone who loves you anyway and wants to be with you. I hope that if this is your match that you stayed matched for the next 60 years. It's obviously an incentive to stay together and work through things together. I'll make a deal with you. You keep on keepin' on and so will I. Thank you oh so very much. You're not fading. You're shining like a beautiful star. Be blessed. :D :wink:

Answer:
i have to agree. I received herpes when I was a 17 yr.old virgin from the first guy i messed around with. I can sympathize with your situation. it's been 2 years and i still struggle with the postive outlook. Some days I think the way you have written, and others, I feel like someone should toss me out with the garbage, because that's how i feel. The guy i was with told me he was ok with it,and he wanted to be with me no matter what. Then his fear overcame him and he broke up with me. We still talked and he told me that he still loved me - that if he had it, he still wanted to be with me, but if he didn't he couldn't be with me no matter how much he loved me. I am starting to realize things, as there is an emotional war going on in my head. it's stressing to try to deal with any part of him now, but i cant let go, i love this man, and i cant bring myself to let go.

Answer:
I have been in your shoes before and it is a difficult place to stand in. Just know you did everything you were supposed to do. You did everything right. Just tell yourself since he scares easily that it is better you found out sooner than later. You need to tell him to stop calling you though. He is obviously putting you through alot by telling you those things and then he is leaving you high and dry emotionally. That is not fair to you. I am sure he doesn't intend to play games with your heart, but he is. He needs to realize this is harder on you than it is on him. He needs to respect your privacy so you can have time to heal from your relationship. There are wonderful men out there who are willing to have full and satisfying rlationships with women with herpes and who don't scare easily - I call mine a "real" man. We have been together nine months and he is proof that there are better options out there for you. I am willing to bet you are a smart, beatiful and sincere human being and you will find someone more deserving of your time and of your love.

Answer:
Hey,
I agree with everyone who said that if a person really loves you, herpes won't make them change their mind.
I found out earlier this month that I have herpes. I'll be 19 in less than a month, so I got a crappy birthday present. My boyfriend of 3 months gave it to me. When the doctor told me I cried and cried. The worst thing was thinking about how other people would view me. That night I got home and went to my boyfriend's house. It was rumored that he had slept with a girl with herpes in early May (before he and I started seeing each other). He said that he hadn't slept with her and I believed him. Anyway, I told him that I had herpes. The only other guys I have ever slept with, was a virgin and he never cheated. We were together for over 2 years. I felt tied down and broke up with him last October. So my current boyfriend is the one who gave it to me. I don't hate him for it, because he didn't know. When I told him, he told me that we'd get through this together. And he called me on my cell when I was on a family vacation. I thought that everything would be fine.
But now things have changed. I leave for college in a few days. I won't be very far away, only about an hour's drive. Anyway, he hasn't called me in over two weeks. And I haven't seen him in over a week. The last time I called was last Sunday. I got sick of always doing the calling and haven't called in 4 or 5 days. I'm not sure why he hasn't been calling but suspect that it's because he and I both have herpes. I thought maybe it was because he thought I was mad at him about it. But I made it very clear to him that I wasn't angry and that I didn't blame him.
I don't want to end the relationship if there's a chance that it could still work. But I'm so fed up with.
Anywhos, that's my story.
But now I have a few questions if anyone can answer them that would be great.
First of all, my first outbreak was in the beginning of this month (August). It was horrible. It hurt to go to the bathroom really bad. I mean, this was unendurable pain. So I went to Urgent Care and they thought it was a Urinary Tract Infection. It was that "time of the month," so they didn't do an examination. I tried two antibiotics that didn't work. And finally when I was off "the rag" I had an exam and found out it was herpes.
Now I think I have another smaller outbreak. Is it possible that it's "leftover" or something from the first outbreak? Or is it most likely a new outbreak? Is it normal to have a second outbreak so soon?
Also, my doctor hasn't prescribed anything to supress the outbreaks. He said that I should wait a year and if I get a lot of outbreaks, then I can go on supressive therapy. Is this normal? Or do most people go on supressive therapy right away?
And finally, how can I prevent outbreaks? I've read that caffeine and chocolate can make someone have an outbreak. The problem is that I am a Mountain Dew addict. And I'm a chocoholic. What are the chances that caffeine and chocolate will give me an outbreak?
Also, if anyone would be willing to just help me out with dealing with this, I would really appreciate it. Sometimes I'm ok with it. But other times I go into a semi-deep depression and just want to cry all the time. I have a history of depression but I don't think I'm depressed enough to go back to a counselor. I guess I'm just afraid that the depression from this will affect my schoolwork.
Well, thanks for reading this. And thanks for any help.