Question:
My wife and I just had our first child. We've been married for 3 years. We were getting ready to leave the hospital today when my wife noticed a rash on the babies legs. The pediatrician said it just looked like diaper rash. My wife told the Dr that she was worried and was glad it wasn't herpes. The Doctor asked my wife if she had ever had herpes before and my wife said yes, a long time ago she had an outbreak on her vagina.

At this point, my jaw just fell to the floor. I looked at the Doctor and said "what was that?", because their conversation happened so fast I and I just could not believe what I was hearing. I've known my wife for 7 years now. In all that time, she never told me that she had herpes. But hear I am, in the hospital with my new baby boy, overhearing a conversation about herpes. The doctor didn't answer me by the way. She pretty much ignored me, as if my wifes medical history was none of my business.

After the doctor left the room I talked some more with my wife about herpes and found out that she had an outbreak before she met me, and had one more after that while she was pregnant but not during delivery. I didn't push the issue too much and tried not to make a big deal about it. My wife is Asian, I'm American. I don't know if herpes is a big deal in her country, or if folks over there aren't that concerned about it. But I am extremely concerned! I'm in my mid 30s and I still have acne. Sometimes I wonder if it's just acne or herpes. My dermatologist and my regular doctor both told me that I don't have herpes, that I just have acne and that I shouldn't scare myself for no reason. However, after today, it looks like I have a reason.

I've never had any type of rash, bump or outbreak in my genital area. But I can't belive that for 7 years I've been at risk. Just because I never had an outbreak, doesn't mean I'm not infected - is that correct?

Also, how could she not have told me after all this time!? I feel like I've been set up, robbed, scammed, hoodwinked, took. I feel like a man who after being chased by a pitbull, manages to get inside his car only to find another pitbull in his back seat. I don't know how to proceed. I feel like I need a shrink right now. I'm afraid of having sex with my wife after her body heals from the birth. Even though I've been lucky so far, I don't want to take any more chances, expecially now that I'm aware she's been infected. What should I do?

Answer:
Dear Djan,
I am so sorry to hear about what you have gone through. I know this must be the most devastating thing to you, but having lived with herpes for a long time I can tell you it's not a total disaster if you have been infected. It is especially easier for you if you are already in an established relationship where you will never have to face the fear of breaking the news to someone else that you have it. This part seems to be one of the most difficult things for people who are HSV positive.

Your wife should have told you - but try talking to her about it in as non-judgemental a way as you can. She may sound unfair and defensive when you try to approach it with her, but it's because it can be so emotionally painful for a person to admit that they're "damaged goods", sometimes we don't communicate about it very well. Try to be supportive and gentle in dealing with this, for your own sake as well as hers, to allow you to discuss this issue without destroying each others feelings and all of the other good things you share together.

Get yourself tested - as you've probably seen on herpes websites, blood serology testing to determine if you have antibodies to the herpes virus glycoproteins can be readily done, and this will tell you if you do in fact have the infection. If you have had no symptoms after 7 years - no blisters or discharge, or any of the other signs talked about on the various websites - then you have been very blessed if you do actually have the virus. And if you don't have it, you are very lucky, and you now have several options to consider. Condom use is an obvious option.

I've put people at risk in the past myself, and am now so ashamed of myself, but it was because I had a terrible time facing up to the internal disgrace I felt. I also thought that I wasn't exposing people if I made sure I had no symptoms of any type of outbreak, and perhaps your wife has secretly been doing the same for years with you. It doesn't excuse her terrible mistake, but we are all so horribly human and fragile that we can make seemingly impossible mistakes at times.

I wish you the best, and I hope you and your wife are able to work through this together and come out on top.

Answer:
Sympathetic,

Thank you very much for your kind words. Today I went to my doctor to discuss the matter. Ironically, two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor because I wanted to make sure the bumps on my face wasn't herpes. I've had mild to moderate acne since highschool. Over the last few years, it seemed my acne had been getting worse. Last year, my dermatologist gave some antibiotics. That really cleared me up. I was amazed and very grateful. But after I stopped taking the medication, my acne came back. Since then, I've been determined to get clear naturally, without using antibiotics. I'm getting there, but some of the acne I get appears around my mouth, and that got me worried. Even though I've never had an outbreak of any kind on my lips or on my genitals, I just wanted to be sure. My deratologist had already told me that I was fine, but I guess I wanted a second opinion. That's why I saw my regular doctor two weeks ago.

So you see, just when I was putting this issue to rest I found out that my wife has vaginal herpes. Anyway, I talked to my doctor today. (I really just needed someone to talk to more than anything else. I can't discuss these things with anyone I know. And with my wife recovering from the delivery and concentrating on the baby, I don't want to lay a huge guilt trip on her right now.) He pretty much said the following. 1) The first thing to do is to make sure my wife actually had a herpes outbreak. (She said she had one before she met me and one a few months into her pregnancy.) He recommended that I go with her on her next visit to her gynocologist and make sure that she was diagnosed with HSV. 2) If she's infected, he suggested a) using condoms or b) depending on her to tell me if she's having an outbreak. 3) Calmly dicuss my feelings with her, regarding trust, honesty etc..

Now I still love my wife, and what's done is done. I'm not about to leave my wife and child. But going forward, if she has HSV2, and I don't, I've got to protect myself. I don't mind using condoms. But I don't think she likes the way they feel. Unfortunately, she's going to have to realize that my protection comes before her pleasure. Hopefully her gynocologist will convince her that this is the best option. Maybe she thought that since she only had the one outbreak before she met me, she was fine, so she never needed to tell me about it. Maybe she didn't realize that HSV never actually goes away.

The whole thing is kind of sad. I spent my entire sexually-active life trying to keep safe. You're marriage is supposed to be a place where you can have some peace of mind. I guess not. Thanks Sympathetic.

Answer:
I am a 30 year old asian female, who found out I had HSV II via a blood test after my break up with my boyfriend of 6 years...
With my luck, I met and fell for a co-worker right after, turned out he had OCD.You can only imagine the horror that was my life for the past 3 years.

I was up front about it and told him from the beginning, and we abstained from sex for a year.. He went and had 3 blood tests for HSV, 1 +, 1- and 1 with + for HSV 1 not 2. So how conclusive is that? Apparently he admitted to having a genital sore 10 years prior to meeting me, after an ex admitted to having cheated. Now, I never had an outbreak, didn't even know I had it but wasn't surprised to find out that I had it, because my long term boyfriend told me up front he had it.

Now that I have put the both of them behind me, I might be being tactless or just being really straight forward, I tell people by my 2nd date and I never get a 3rd. I don't want to wait till we are ready to get going to break the bad news...and I don't quite know how to date anymore having spent the last 9 years in this mess.

I believe that I am doing the right thing by telling people up front. If there are any singles out there, can you share your stories with me and tell me how you go about breaking the news?
thanks.

Answer:
Hi,

what is OCD?

I contracted herpes from my last girlfriend and has only dated a few people since then without sexual contact. I too am very up front about it because there is no where to hide...the sooner it is out, the sooner the other person can decide if I am worth the risk. Obviously, it scared every girl I dated since contracting it. I have decided the best method is to go real slow and let the person know you first to not formulate a bad view from the stigma of this virus and then tell them...otherwise, on a second date, it is way too early. overall, I want to be extra careful because I don't wish this lifelong virus on anyone.

Answer:
Hi,

what is OCD?

I contracted herpes from my last girlfriend and has only dated a few people since then without sexual contact. I too am very up front about it because there is no where to hide...the sooner it is out, the sooner the other person can decide if I am worth the risk. Obviously, it scared every girl I dated since contracting it. I have decided the best method is to go real slow and let the person know you first to not formulate a bad view from the stigma of this virus and then tell them...otherwise, on a second date, it is way too early. overall, I want to be extra careful because I don't wish this lifelong virus on anyone.

Answer:
Hey i just need to get this out and mabe get some comfort from it im really young and have had only one sexual partner ..which was a big mistake i liked him so incredibaly much i would do anything and one night i was extremly drunka nd slept with him :( and let me add in he never talked to me again :( and contacted the herpes std i havent got it checked out but i have been reasearching it for about 5 months and i know its what i have i feel so lost and ijust wanna kill myself i wanna relationship and to fel good about myself..and like usaid just to tell the person get it over and done with so they can decide if they wanna be with u...its so hard at my age in high school because they will spread it around make u feel even worse about yourself ahh i just want it to go away i dont deserve this i rather be dead :cry:

Answer:
KAT,

I feel for you at your age and the entire high school thing. It was a sobering realization even at my age of 36. it took me about a month to even feel like I want to be with somebody ever again. The entire shame thing...but like me and many, you will get over it. It takes time but first, don't go blaming yourself. It is done, you can't do anything about it. It is no easier at my age if that will make you happier. I can't tell anybody beside the girls i dated for the past month...and they pretty disappeared after they heard it. Hang in there, take one day at a time. I am waking up happier each day that I don't have an outbreak since the initial outbreak. it will be 2 months tomorrow that I have experience outbreak free....take my lysine, reduce stress, reduce caffeine intake and try to have a good mental health.

Answer:
[quote="TECHGUY"]KAT,

Hey thanks for responding this is so hard i feel like nothing good will come to me now like what guy will want a girl with herpes people are so cruel these days, my marks have dropped in school i never feel like goin out im so depressed i need someone to talk to but i cant go to mu girlfriends , cause u never know who to trust these days people always seem to be saying somthing or what not. its hard enough gettin called a slut for sleeping with this guy in the first place then to get a lovely desiese to go with it...wow was i ever lucky :cry: but hey respond back please thanks a whole bunch :)