Question:
I am generally a pretty mellow person... some background on me would be that prior to my herpes diagnosis... I was a huge flirt and dated a lot... there was a guy I dated for a while and he was a total freak (in a great way).... but I left him for the fool who gave me herpes... (slaps self in head).... anyway...

so this morning I log on... and in my e-mail there is a note from him... mind you I haven't talked to him since my diagnosis... and he is telling me he has been thinking about me... blah blah... you all know that drill... and for a brief moment I had these amazing memories of sex,.... and what it was like to have it without any fear of what I could be giving someone..... and for the first time... I was ashamed of having it... and embarrassed of it...

secondary factor to this is... I am seeing someone.... and he knows about the herpes and is great with it.... but I wonder to myself... why am I missing this other man if the man I am seeing is so great?? or am I missing a time where sex was easier??? URGH....

I can't stand this feeling.... I can't stand that I am ashamed of having H.... I have always been fine with it... and telling people about it.... most of my friends know... any new man I have met I told... and I talk openly about it... yet with him I am ashamed.... I hate this feeling.... :cry:

Answer:
I know why you're feeling the way you do. It's because he knew you before you contracted H. and you wish so badly you could go back to that time again. He himself may not be what is making you feel this way--it's just that he reminds you of that time. Also you feel that if you hadn't left him, this wouldn't have happened and so you feel he's superior in some way--maybe that he "won" after all. But take it from an old lady, we can't always be looking back and saying "if only." Everything we do is usually the right thing to do at that time. Heck, I'm 55 and constantly changing my mind about things, my feelings change hourly!!! This old boyfriend brought back old feelings but give yourself time and you'll get over them--unless you want to pursue him! Then go for it. All he can do is say no, thank you. And then you move on!

Answer:
Thanks April... I am just feeling nastalgic about the past... I love the man in my life and wouldn't change him for anything... it was just for one brief moment.... I remembered that there was a time when sex didn't come with a disclaimer....

Answer:
I am with you on the nostalgia/disclaimer thing there Unbelieveable!
I too, long for a time when I could just get "buck wild" with my man and not worry about even the little things (like certain things regarding foreplay or other variable.) Now even with practicing safe, I am always concerned for my partner, and I know that it has hindered me in some ways. I hate it.

In my case, I DO hate the dipshit that gave me this little "gift". He lied. He balls out lied to me in my face. He works in the medical field...he should HAVE KNOWN BETTER. He was an adult, grown man, not some horny teenager thinking with only his johnson. I believe in my heart of hearts, that this guy is the type that is going around GIVING people this disease. We were in a long term relationship, practiced safe and I even had an HIV test proving him negative of that (thank god!) and I never 'saw" anything. Lo and behold, the one time I had unprotected sex with him, I caught it. It was all just too fishy/coincidental.

oh he knew. Believe me. Sure, maybe I am a dummy for trusting him, but being a dummy didn't warrant me to catch herpes. ( I am actually not a dummy, I just made a huge mistake once. Never again!) I have to say honestly if I ever saw him walking down the street, I would beat the crap out of him. Sounds horrible, but that is the truth. He is a worm.

Answer:
Thanks Ouch... I was on the phone with the ex (not the herpes one) today... and he was asking how I was.. blah blah... and I really wanted to tell him... to get it out in the open... but I did tell him I was in a relationship... so I guess the herpes thing really doesn't have to come up... since I am not going to be messing with him ever... but still... I hate that I feel like I have a secret again.. when I have been so good about talking about it... I have even posted it in a public forum site that I mod on.. that isn't about being positive... go figure..

Answer:
You know, in the back of our minds, none of us ever wants to be judged, and yet, we are judged. Mind you, I KNOW most of us sure as heck don't deserve the negativity, but for those who don't have herpes or don't know that they do, there are some who "finger point". It affects you. And, the fear of rejection affects you. We can be intellectually aware that herpes doesn't define us, and it doesn't. But, emotionally, from time to time, we react. I think the old BF just triggered that in you - momentarily. It annoys us to know we are vulnerable, especially when we understand we have to move past that where herpes is concerned. If you didn't have a bad day every once in awhile, you wouldn't be able to recognize the good ones that come your way. So, love your vulnerable child that you have inside and understand that you are only human - not wonder woman. It's ok to have the blues, to indulge in a moment of "poor me". Just don't live there for long. I don't think you go to that place very often anyway. Hugs.