Question:
I've only posted here twice before (I think)....once after I was initially diagnosed and read a post from someone who claimed she "accidentally spread" the disease to someone (yeah right) and once to try to get some help figuring out why I'm so depressed....and yet, here I am again, depressed for much the same reasons I've been depressed for the last 18 months. Is there anyone here who can tell me when it will end? When will I ever go back to some sort of normalcy?
To my knowledge, I haven't had an outbreak since the "initial diagnosis" but the psychological impact of what happened prevents me from being able to enjoy life. As I see it, there's really no point to trying. My ability to have children has been forever altered. Can't have sex anymore because, even though I don't have outbreaks and have not taken Valtrex or any other medication, I am physically incapable of doing so because it is more painful than anything else I have ever had to endure. And, just as importantly, at the grand old age of 30, my dating world has been foreclosed. My proof? Today I decided to venture out to the dating world again. Of course, within the first hour of talking, the question of "you're always safe/std free, right?" was posed. I answered honestly. Safe, yes. STD free, unfortunately not. The response: "you're hot and really cool, but I can't take the risk." How do I live knowing that I'm on my own for the rest of my life?
I didn't ask for this.....I didn't even ask for the act that gave this to me....friends have suggested I file a criminal complaint against the SOB who did this to me but my life is already ruined enough....I can't stand the pain of a court interrogation into what happened and exactly HOW it happened and WHY didn't I report it sooner and all that jazz. Has anyone else ever been infected without consenting to the act that gave them this disease? How do I move on? How do I come to terms with having my life effectively cut short? I'm angry with the guy who "raped" me, (though I hate to use that word because the way it happened was not like we all picture a "rape" to be) . . . how do I get over that anger? How do I accept the fact that I'm "damaged goods"? I could use some real advice because I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Answer:
I understand where you are coming from, as far as being depressed and angry. I wish I knew how to help or tell you it will all get better. I can only give you my little experience and hope others on here will too.

I wasn't raped (and I wish you had reported the louse who did this to you, as who KNOWS who else he is raping and spreading his disease too!) but I understand the fear of going through the system...where YOUR sexual activities of the past are splayed across a courtroom for SO MANY people to see and judge you by. We like to think we are more modern as a society (sexually) but we ARE NOT. We are the earth's biggest prudes. So, yes, I can understand why a woman doesn't always go to the police etc. That experience alone can be as degrading as the rape itself...HOWEVER I still think a woman should do this, to take these predators off the street. I would personally, but I do not fault someone who doesn't. If it was daterape, it is even tougher to prove. Maybe post a picture of this asswipe all of the county you live in...saying WOMEN BEWARE...THIS HERPE INFESTED ASSWIPE LIKE TO RAPE WOMEN!...I am serious! Do it on the sly, how would he know it was you,eh?

No, the loser who gave me this crap was my ex boyfriend. Charming, educated, well read, handsome. WORKED IN THE MEDICAL FIELD. (so he should know better!) We dated, didn't have sex right away. Discussed our backgrounds, etc. When we did finally have sex it was with protection. (I was on the pill AND he had to use a condom.) As time went on, he procured a HIV certificate saying he was negative. I never saw any signs of anything (I wasn't 100% aware of asymptomatic people...I knew it was possible, but thought that was rare...) But things about him started to nag on me....how he talked about other women (never mean to me...I would have dropped kicked him into next week, I don't allow men to bad mouth me) but then he would talk shit about his own mother and sister. THAT started to creep me out. (what man talks about his mama like that??!? Unless she was a horrible parent, and this woman wasn't...nor was his sister!) I didn't like his attitude towards the women in his family or women in general. I remember one time a discussion coming up about herpes...he said he almost slept with a friend of his, but he didn't because ...she had herpes. I sat up and was like "are you telling the truth,? Do you have herpes....? you are not lying, you are telling me the ABSOLUTE TRUTH." He promised he was being truthfull and the subject never came up again...until I HAD AN OUTBREAK. I think my initial outbreak I wasn't even aware of what it was....seemed like I was having a very bad, very itchy yeast infection or something. It went away. I remember he kept saying stupid things like "oh no, you are allergic to me!" Hind sight and all that shit, eh?

When I had my next outbreak, it was one, lone little pimple like thing. When it burst, it hurt to pee...badly! I went straight to planned parenthood, and lo and behold, guess what I had! I was SO pissed. When I told him about it, he acted all indignant and shit. Said he had bloodwork done and he was "clean". I had already broken up with his ass at this point, so I laid into him. (I broke up with him about a month before....I decided I didn't want to be with someone who was so misogynistic) I think he wanted to infect me so I woudl stay with him. He is an asswipe. If I saw him now, I would beat his ass. Screw that guy!

initially, while I was pissed off, I just tried to eat well, take vitamins, and I decided to abstain from men for a while. I went on some dates, more for just some mindless, harmless flirting....but I wouldnt get sexual. I wasn't ready for that OR for the "talk' with a potential partner.

I was lucky in that my outbreaks (then) were minimal. I would only take meds IF I had an outbreak, which was hardly never, or so tiny and miniscule, I actually began to debate if I did indeed HAVE the disease. (wish I could say the same now!)

Fast forward to now. I moved away from where I was living. I met a guy a few years ago, and we really connected. I told him I had herpes, and he handled it with great aplomb. We had a child, who is now over a year old....I never allowed this disease to make me think I deserved less than best. I met the monst wonderful man in the world and he has stood by me, despite this stupid herpes. We had our baby csection, not just because I had herpes, but because I had such a hard time with my older son in delivery, the herpes was the icing on the cake. I didn't want to risk it. (I think if you DO have kids and are adament enough, you can have a csection.)

But I still have down in the dump days too. I am neurotic about cleanliness (my poor hands...oy, all that washing!) even when I am NOT having an outbreak. I am in the midst of a horrible outbreak now (for some reason, I have had bad ones since I was 6months preggo...don't know why...) and so I am a bit tired and blue right now. I stress out alot which doesn't help with the virus one bit. My biggest concern is somehow transmitting it to my infant son. Hence the reason for all my precautions and ultra handwashing, etc. I get bummed out I have this shit. The other night I wanted to "do the wild thing" with my man, but I couldn't because I knew I was getting ready to have an outbreak. (btw, he DOESN"T have this shit...we practice safe, abstain at any sign of an outbreak, so far, so good) So I was all bummed out about that. But he just hugs me and says it is ok. Tries to make a joke out of it.

So fear not....time will heal. I am SO glad to hear you are seeing a counselor. That will help you alleviate some of your depression and anger. It never goes away 100%. Like I said, there will be up days, and down days (down days usually when you have an outbreaks OR when you are turned down by a pontential partner/mate/lover whatever). You do not have to tell everyone your status unless you plan on having sexual relations with them. I think it was courageos of you to tell this man about your situation. That is a HUGE step. I do not think the "talk" will ever get easier, but trust me, one day there is going to be a lad who loves you despite the herpes, and will respect you all the more because you were strong and honest with him. Make sure too that you do not settle for less, just because you have herpes, doesn't mean you do not deserve a wonderful mate who treats you like gold (and visa versa! :wink: )

I think you should maybe wait still before embarking on any sort of relationship. Take more time to heal yourself emotionally and focus on YOU and loving you. Then tread back into that scary water known as dating!

I do hope you feel better down the road. Like I said before, it is never easy, it will be a roller coaster from here on out. I am in my venting, mad, rage filled phase right now. (mad at the idiot who gave this to me...mad at myself for being such a trusting ninnyhead, mad there is NO vaccine, mad mad mad..) but most days are really good. I am living proof that you CAN find a good mate, and a non H one to boot, that you CAN have children, that you CAN date and have fun....just be honest with yourself and any sexual partners. If you ever need an ear to bend, we are all here. I am here. Vent to me! I vent all the time....usually to nobody but myself. :twisted:

I always query, isn't it amazing how something as wonderful as sex is RUINED by these horrible things (herpes, AIDS, etc.) I have to wonder why sometimes.....

Answer:
Ouch, I really appreciate the realness of your posts...

Answer:
Thanks. I sorta shoot from the hip most times. I don't have alot of knowledge, other than my own life experience, and I hope that maybe some folks here can relate....or if nothing else see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I DO want to keep it real, because I feel there ARE going to up and down days with herpes. it is an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I don't wanna lie and say "oh, things are swell, you will be fab, you will overcome this and life will be one big slice of apple pie." That would be a lie. Somedays we have a big ole slice of apple pie, other days we have a big ole poo poo pie. it is a matter of balance and trying to shorten or eliminate most of the poo poo pie days! :twisted:

And despite my "h status", I have always had alot of backbone and confidence, and I hope to share it/have it rub off onto the other ladies here. I think this disease, while it hurts everyone, is especially hard emotionally on women. So I hope to share and show that we are still good, loving, wonderful people despite having this. :) And we can still have wonderful mates despite this too! :D

Answer:
ouch - your my inspiration. i'm happy for you, that you found a man that you love that accepted you and loves you back, and that you have your children.

i know how angryrightnow feels. i got herpes from either one of 2 ways also, a cheating ex, or a rape 3 years ago. its been really hard to cope with, when i found out i cried and cried, i threw things, i got all hysterical... then i shut down almost, didnt talk to anyone, didnt go anywhere... and then i hit the very bottom of the pit - you know that layer of shit underneath rock bottom. and i had to start working my way back up. i know that one day i will be happy. i know i wasnt happy before i found out i had H. after that i was miserable. now i'm ok i guess. sometimes i still torture myself asking why didnt i turn left, or why didnt i just not go out that night, or why didnt i this, why didnt i that... and ask myself whyyy god why do i have to have this constant reminder for the rest of my life of all these horrible things that happened to me... but then on a good day i tell myself to look at it the other way around, i'll always have a constant reminder of all the horrible things that happened to me and how i SURVIVED... how i made it through.. talking to someone helps... time might not completely heal...but it'll put a little band aid on it at least. remember what doesnt kill you makes you stronger... or like my mom likes to say, what doesnt kill you only makes you fatter... and weight you can work off. i hope you feel better.

Answer:
Bravo, Ouch, bravo!

And you speak to a powerful point. I do think on average this befalls females more harshly--certainly physically as we're more likely to have outbreaks and complications, concerns during pregancy and childbirth, and monthly periods that seem to trigger outbreaks. Not to mention socially. And we also disproportionately appear to suffer from depression more than males, though there are of course males in here who have truly been to absolute hell and back--physically and mentally. So yes, this can exact its emotional toll. And you are an inspiration!

Answer:
bledflower, so true, so true.