Question:
I'm a 33 year old man, possibly HSV negative, and I'm involved with a woman who has been HSV2+ for over 12 years. We have be seeing each other for over a year with many up and downs, but we do love each other and wish to remain together. Oh, I say possibly negative because I began to have some symptoms about 2 weeks ago (redness, painful urination, terrible leg pains, but no lessions.)

So here is my dilema: We intially spent 2 months in a plutonic relationship which eventually turned sexual. Before our first time, she had asked me if I had been tested. I said "Yes" and that I was STD free. She said the same. The next day, she tells me she has genital herpes. OK, lie number one. Months later, she informs me that she also has HPV. Hmmmm, lie number two. This woman has had many casual partners, but no real lasting relationships. She genuinely wants one, but can't seem to get the honesty thing down. She had told me early on that she had told all other partners about the herpes before she slept with them. Months later, when telling me she had also had genital warts, she changed her story and said that she had only told some of the partners and not until after first having sex with them. After finding out about these most recent untruths of hers, I have been extremely distraught and somewhat hard on her for what I consider systematically lying to me.

I understand this disease is difficult to live with and it can be frightening to have to tell people. Outside of how she deals with her STDs, she is a wonderful, caring person. But should her failure to tell be forgiven? I am very frightened about contracting this disease now that I know she has been dishonest about her STDs in the past and with me. I think my attitude about the herpes would be very different if she had been honest with me about it. Now it just represents her lies and total lack of consideartion for my health.

Am I being too hard on her? Has anyone every run across this problem with someone they love? This is pure hell to have to decide to leave someone I love over a disease that I don't know if I can accept anymore knowing how she has treated myself and others. Unfortunately, there is a distinct possibility that I have recently contracted it from her, which just complicates matters even more. I'm very confused and feel that this whole relationship, which otherwise could be wonderful, has been trashed because of dishonesty and herpes.

Answer:
Here's what you're looking at... If you really, genuinely love this woman and want to be with her forever (test yourself, I've always been able to secure my desire to do something by asking myself, for instance, "do I love her and want to be with her forever" at every point in the day in every situation I'm in. This catches my emotions off guard and even if you don't want to be with her in a single situation, it's not worth it) you can overlook the few things she's said.

The lies probably came because she loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but another thing you'll have to consider is the fact that you'll never have a fully normal and healthy sexual relationship. Whether it's having to use condoms forever, both of you getting herpes, or having to wait out an outbreak, something will always be in the back of your mind when it comes to this.

Just in case, make sure you love her enough and her sure enough of her permanent love to stay together forever, in case you also get herpes.

Answer:
I personally think you need to ask yourself a couple questions... Is this relationship worth getting herpes over... If you have sex with this girl for a year your chances of getting herpes (even if you use condoms) are high... I suggest you do your research on herpes, I've posted an article I've wrote on this web page "EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS" it should answer alot of your questions... And now reading further down I find out she has HPV and that she'd lied over having it... OK another situation... SHe lied to you probably because she was ashamed to say it and that you'd leave her because of it... THe day after she first lied to you she was so worried for your safty and well being that she had to come to you and tell you the truth because she does care about you... I wouldn't keep that agasint her, it's extremly hard living with herpes and entering relationships expecially if shes only known you 2 months... I find it hard for you two to love each other after only 2 months but whatever... You hook up with this girl shes going to want to keep you forever btw... But keep in mind you will get these STDs eventually even if you use condoms...

Rich

Answer:
I am a woman living with herpes and have for the past 9 years. My bf and I have lived together for 11 years, so needless to say, I contracted herpes while we were together (my fault). After I was diagnosed I told him. He decided to stay with me. We have a great sex life (without condoms) together and he has NOT contracted herpes. I am very careful about letting him know when an outbreak is about to occur and he patiently waits it out. I'm sure he had issues dealing with what I had done, but he has come to terms with it, and it doesn't consume our sex life.

Answer:
Hi,

I got into a relationship with a women who had herpes. She told me right from the start and I new the risks. She said i wouldn't catch it if she had no outbreaks. Which is what I understood. When she had outbreaks she was of limits she made sure of that. But sometimes I would get a little impatient and she would say well Ithink its cleared up and should be ok.

Well I got it. I new it was my fault for taking the risk and our relationship moved on. Eventually we split up. The reasons here are not important and it wasn't because of herpes. Now its been 5 years since we split up and I have been single the whole time. When I meet someone I am afraid to tell or I just don't bother looking because of the discomfort or heartbreak, humiliation of having to deal with it.

So be careful

P.s. Does anyone know of a site were you can meet others with herpes [/u]

Answer:
Thanks for the warning Be Careful. I also knew the risks very well before I further involved myself with this woman. I am just really worried now that I have made a huge mistake. Our relationship has taken a turn for the worse and just afterwards, my symptoms developed. Psychosomatic? Possible, but they a very distinct. I fear that I have invested a huge amount in this relationship, but looks like I'll just end up paying a huge price with no return. The timing couldn't be worse. I loose my mate and gain herpes all at the same time.

I am also afraid of life outside this relationship. She did "OK" because she didn't tell people about it before they were physically involved. I can't do that and I know that she did not derive any lasting joy from her past relationships because of that. I fear I will be alone for a long, long time if I leave.

Sorry for the doom and gloom attitude, but this is a new one for me. Not sure how to deal with it right now except to blame myself for letting this happen. If this is such a minor disease, why does it cause such emotional pain and confusion?