Question:
Hi, just looking for some advice I guess - I have just recently (in the last two weeks) been diagonsed with genital herpes. I am still in shock after having no signs of this for the last 15 years. I have not had a sexual relationship for just under two years so I am not sure who gave it to me. After reading several sites on the internet as well as info from the doctor I am still truly confused. I have gone on suppressive treatment to try and get my head around this but I was about to embark on a new sexual relationship with a great guy but now I am unsure as to whether to tell him or not. Some info says being in the suppressive therapy can give up to 95% protection from infecting him but other info says not. I intend to use a condom being a new relationship anyway but what about oral sex - is this now out of the question? I am truly devestated by this as I have only ever had two sexual partners and feel in some way I've been tarnished from this. I know this is an obvious reation but I constantly think about how I am going to live the rest of my life knowing I have this. If anyone can give me some good advice it would be really appreciative.

many thanks :(

Answer:
I am writing to you from another persective. I am not infected with herpes, but my partner is. He has only had one sexual partner before me, in the context of a long term relationship, and contracted it through his partner's infidelity. He went through a lot of the same feelings you have now- particularly concerning feeling tarnished, alone, and potentially un-loveable. When he told me, I of course was shocked, scared, confused. It was at the very beginning of our relationship and I naturally went through a lot of questioning- "Was it worth the risk?". But I cared for him a lot, and had a really good feeling about the relationship. What we decided to do was to abstain for a while- this gave us time to explore our feelings for each other, for me to become more informed, for us to learn how to protect me. We sought out a counsellor who helped us not only with information, but also helped me deal with my feelings of fear. (It doesn't really make sense to be scared when I am in a situation where I KNOW what to look out for and how to protect myself. A lot of people are irrationally more afraid bc they know the disease is there, rather then when they are in situations where they don't know and can't or don't tkae measures to protect themselves. To make the point- I was never so careful as I am with him, and in reality any of my previous partners COULD have been infected) Anyways, we have been together now for over a year. We are madly in love, planning a future, and yes, having sex. We are always careful- we always use a condom, abstain during outbreaks, and laugh a lot. We follow new research developments together, and have learned what happens if we should ever want to have a child. We have seen a doctor together to discuss prevention techniques. And we talk a lot. And through all this, we have managed to make herpes NOT the most significant aspect of our relationship. Some couples deal with alcoholism, with cancer, with mental illness, with grief, with depression-- all those things have an impact on a relationship, on sex life, on life in general. I count myself lucky that I have a wonderful partner and we don't have to deal with any of those significantly more trying challenges. Herpes is just something we deal with together.

You should definitely tell your partner- a lot of the trust we have for each other is based on that first moment when he chose to trust me by telling me, and I chose to trust him bc of his honesty. I have no idea how your partner will react. He may choose to walk away- and that is his right. But he could walk away for a number of reasons. If he does so, try not to let it be a blow beyond the blow that you would have felt if any other relationship had ended. I realise this can be hard- I know my partner went through a lot of emotional turmoil and self esteem issues at first, not to mention anger, confusion etc. If the guy gets freaked out- well that's not exactly someone you can trust to work through a challenge with.

With respect to some of your questions. First of all- you can have GREAT sex, even with herpes. I know this is the best sex I have ever had, but I think that's mostly because of how close, intimate and trusting we are. For oral sex: we do have oral sex, but always with protection, and not during an outbreak. As a woman- you could explore dental dams- something that women in general should use more often anyways. (If a woman had oral sex with a partner who had oral herpes, she could contract the disease in that way too). We have adjusted to "condom always life" and it's really not that big a deal.

Most importantly-- your life is not over, it is no less possible to have a loving, sexual, intimate relationship. There are about 1000 more support groups on women who deal with scum-bag guys out there-- so along the way you're bound to come across some. But remember that it's not the herpes that makes them assholes, they were born that way! And when you find a babe who chooses to stick around and work through this issue, well you may have found the right guy, maybe not. The point is that a relationship can make it or end for a number of reasons, and herpes is just one part of the whole picture. You should definitely be careful not to be "grateful" to your partner for dealing with the issue in a mature way, you should expect it as a necessary quality in someone you want to be with anyways.

Finally-- I am speaking with 20/20 hindsight. You should find someone to talk with- a counsellor, a doctor, an understanding friend. Feel free to write back. My BF would, I'm sure, be happy to talk with you about some of the things he went through. I saw how difficult it was for him, and my heart goes out to you.