Question:
I have been in a longterm relationship and I strayed. I contracted herpes in the process. My partner has no idea and I am terrified of telling him. We have used condoms every time we have sex and ofcourse no sex during o/bs. I can't sleep or eat and am a nervous wreck. I never want to hurt him in that way and would die if I would infect him. We are dependent on each other financially so I really cant pick up and leave. I have considered telling him but I know it will become public knowledge and humiliation. I feel I am protecting him somewhat by using condoms ALWAYS but I wonder about oral sex. I know this is terribly unfair but I am in a terrible bind. He cheated on me once a long time ago and I thought I had forgave him totally but I guess not and made this awful mistake. I have a good friend w/herpes and shes had several longterm partners who have been clean. I know I am playing Russian Roulette but my hands are tied until I can either fess up or leave the relationship. Anyone in a similar situation? Please help

Answer:
Well, I would say you are playing Russian Roulette, but with the gun at your lovers head and with out him even knowing he is playing. My girlfriend, who has GH, did the same thing with me and several other men in her past. I can't say that I'm very impressed with that kind of behavior. I know it's hard to tell and I have sympathy for you that you have contracted this disease. But to take away someone's right to choose, to deny them information about something you know could potentially hurt them, I think is dispicable. The cheating thing is beside the point here. You need to tell your husband about the herpes if you want to continue having sex with him. It's just that simple. Not telling is NOT an option! So please take some responsibility for your actions and your friends well being and do what is right.

Answer:
Well, I would say you are playing Russian Roulette, but with the gun at your lovers head and with out him even knowing he is playing. My girlfriend, who has GH, did the same thing with me and several other men in her past. I can't say that I'm very impressed with that kind of behavior. I know it's hard to tell and I have sympathy for you that you have contracted this disease. But to take away someone's right to choose, to deny them information about something you know could potentially hurt them, I think is dispicable. The cheating thing is beside the point here. You need to tell your husband about the herpes if you want to continue having sex with him. It's just that simple. Not telling is NOT an option! So please take some responsibility for your actions and your friends well being and do what is right. I'll 2nd that notion... You cheated, fess up, like he did when he cheated on you... If you give him herpes your going to feel even worse... If my girlfriend ever did something like that to me, I would completly lose it... Dont wait any long, tell him the day you read our messages... Not telling him is NOT an option...

Rich

Answer:
Cami - I feel for you as I am in same boat. Married 10 years and strayed and got the big H. I shamefully never told my husband and he has them as well, I know he does. He's not a good communicator, nor am I as you can tell. I never actually told him I had herpes but when I had my first outbreak and freaked, I told him Dr said it might be herpes and he just said we will deal with whatever it is. He never asked how or where I might have gotten them, which was a massive relief for me on one hand not having to explain my straying, but emotionally killed me that he didn't ask. Long story short, I never told, now we both have it but we both deal. I take suppressive meds and he takes them from my script when he has an outbreak. We love each other, but there are days where my guilt is so painful I want to die. Honesty is always best, but I fear the repercussions - so I took the easy way out and never told. Not saying it is right by any means though.

Answer:
We love each other, but there are days where my guilt is so painful I want to die. Honesty is always best, but I fear the repercussions - so I took the easy way out and never told. Not saying it is right by any means though. Hi,

Sounds like... even if you tell him, it won't be a big problem.. <smile>

What is bothering you is not a bad situation that your confession may create. I think what is bothering you the most is the fact that you know you didn't do the right thing (telling him that you strayed).
You must be a good person who have a good heart. Maybe your fear is not about that he may be angry at you or he may leave you, if you tell him. You may be scared of hurting his feeling the most..

"Trusting" is essential when 2 people are together happily. And "trusting" is nothing but trusting yourself. Trusting your partner is only an extension of trusting yourself.
You know, you should tell him, but you didn't tell him yet. You betray your good heart. That's why you can't trust yourself. That's why you feel fear.
The fear can eventually kill you emotionally. And I think.. he must already sense your fear and feel uncertainty anyway. Then... how you guys can live happily together...?

The most easy way out of this fear is to be open, and tell him what's on your mind sincerely. He may be hurt first, but he will eventually know what he should do, since he knows all the facts and your sincerity.

Best wishes...

Faith

Answer:
Faith - I read your response and appreciate your being blunt. And I know you are right in everything you say. My concern.. as weak and selfish as it is.... how can I possibly tell him NOW - it's been over 2 years. And hy hasn't he asked me about it? If the tables were turned, I would have asked a lot of questions. There are days it is tolerable, and other days when is it is very intolerable. There are days I want to tell him, days I panic and cannot even think about telling. Herpes is more of an emotional disease than anything else.

Answer:
Hi,

Those were only my guessing... because only you and your husband know what's going on between you guys, and how it happened.. But you sounded like you were really suffering from your guilt feeling. More than herpes or anything else.
And you keep saying that, but you're not weak.

I know things don't always happen in the way they should happen. I know we can't always do things in the way we should do them, because there are many factors in life making them difficult for us to do in the right way. I understand that.

But.. even though it's difficult, when you do what you belive is right, that will bring about a revolution in you. Even if a little thing, if you do it in the way you believe is right, it's gonna give you a huge confidence of yourself, and the whole world around you which was stuck starts moving smoothly!

I experienced this. My life was stuck. Everything went wrong. I believed, my life wasn't going anywhere. I believed, there was no way out. I was scared. I was insecure. I couldn't say no to anyone. I did things knowing that it was not what I should do. I just piled up my guilt toward myself. That made things worse and worse.

But once I started to do every little thing right, I started to feel confident more than ever. And things around me started circulationg so naturally and smoothly.

You can't change anything around you. But you can change yourself, then the world around you will change by itself with the change in you.

..I just wanted you to know that there IS a way to make things better.
And, you are the only person who can save you.

Best wishes........

Faith

Answer:
thank you Faith, always so... peaceful/normalizing.. reading from you. :)

Answer:
:-D I'm glad............ <Big Smile>

Faith