Question:
Be warned I'm on a rant.

There've been quite a few posts on this forum where people hint at what they want but disguise it in all of this banter about should I tell or should I not tell? It seems apparent that when I see these posts they don't want a relationship they just want to get laid.

Ok so who out there doesn't want some good sex? Okay don't lie - I can see right through that smirk on your face you just don't want to deal with the crap. Am I wrong? When you didn't know you had hsv it was so easy. Slap on a condom and good to go. No reason to call the next day. No reason to remember a birthday. No emotional baggage. yada yada yada.

I'm as open to the facts as the next guy/girl. If you take a good look at the situation this is how most, but not all, of us got here. And I keep reading between the lines how you'd go running back in a heartbeat and do it all over again if you could just get past that little thing called "GUILT". Guilt that says you've got to disclose that you have hsv.

So the rules have changed and if you want to be considered a good person you feel obligated to tell. If you don't you're some kind of monster who's preying on the innocent. It's up to you.

I want to tell you that I'm not the only one out here who feels the way I do and the truth is that before I had hsv and after I found out I have hsv I have never wanted casual sex. I have always wanted to get to know someone before I slept with them. I don't consider people disposable. I guess this means there's something wrong with me.

It's hypocritical the double standard that exists for those of you who don't like being the one with the std feeling like you need to tell people before you hook up and yet if you could go back in time you would totally reject the person who infected you. I can guarantee that if you knew you'd be getting herpes, the day before you actually did, that you would have been the one standing there with your hands up in the sign of the cross rejecting the person who came to infect you. You would have run for the hills just that fast. I bet you wouldn't have even stopped to kiss that person good bye. And now you are complaining because you think it's not fair that you have to tell someone you have herpes and dating sucks.

For the members who got this because they were raped or molested or it started out as a childhood case of herpes from grandma kissing you I feel truly sorry that you have to go through this. There is no way I can take that pain away from you and it is truly unfair. You're the real innocent victims.

But to those of us who made bad decisions and want to complain how it put a crimp in our dating lives. Or those who want to get laid so badly that you're willing to throw disclosure out the window. SHAME ON YOU. If all you want is sex then go buy it from someone who doesn't give a damn or handle it yourself. Yes you can find people out there who don't care either way but don't go playing the high and mighty game of pretending you want a relationship when all you want is a piece. It's insulting. So is that drivel about people not wanting to get to know you without having sex first. Hello! hows about a little accountability?

If that isn't the case then take a few weeks or months and get to know someone, become friends, start to care. These are people, for goodness sakes, who are just like we were and they deserve to be treated with dignity. Just because someone did you wrong doesn't give you the right to treat people like fast food.

I find something perverse about a world where casual sex is the norm and no one cares about any one. I don't want to be treated like I am disposable. I don't want to be used for some cheap night of bad sex.

If it's just about getting laid don't come here and debate the merits of telling or not telling people you have hsv. I am not going to condone that kind of behavior and I don't want to answer your questions. Just do what you do and let it be on your conscience but leave me out of it.

Answer:
amen, it really bugs me when i read those post, i question my self when replying, should i be nice and just give the answer, or be rude...half the time i dont even reply, why waste my time giving advice to someone who probably wont listen.

i was never the one to do the casual fuck a stranger deal, personaly i just cant do it, something about my own personal values, dignity, and thinking that sex is more then just pleasure for my genital region. i really dont understand how people can just throw around sex like its a toy.

Answer:
Caliope, your message was really something. Not sure what specific post, if any, set you off. Alot of what you said makes 100% sense, but for those of us who were just diagnosed, who do feel as if our lives are over (at least for the time being), and question how and when do you tell; doesn't make us shallow or cheap or just looking to get laid. Since I joined this site two weeks ago, your posts have always made me feel better, given me information and insite. This post......???? not sure, made me feel like I was being personally insulted. Waxedwrong; how do you know if you answer the person asking won't take your advice? Like Caliope, your answers have been helpful and comforting. I feel as if I will have to be on guard now if and when I post again.:(

Answer:
Personally, I really don't think Caliope or Waxed's posts were intended for sincere people/posts here. I can't speak for them! But I'm pretty sure after having read their posts for awhile. Their posts are supportive and extremely informative!

I think if you and your posts are sincere, your intentions towards others are genuine, you have no need to feel gaurded!
Speak your truth!
We have the right to worry about telling a potential partner. We have a very valid fear of rejection! We have very real concerns of passing this on to someone we become intimate with, whom we love.

This is the Rant Room.....It's a Rant!

This forum has some questionable posts on occasion. I have read a number of them that have made me question their intentions??
Quite frankly, Nothing FRIES MY ASS more than a person who isn't concerned about telling someone they are going to sleep with that they have this virus, BEFORE they sleep with them!! God forbid they have to get humble, or uncomfortable, Or possibly lose the Piece they were hoping to get.

When I read posts regarding recreational sex as a way of having a good weekend, Or getting to know someone, whom you may or may not be interested in having a relationship with, It makes me see how the Dirty Stigma stays attached to having the herpes virus!

Answer:
because, its their choice- half the time they repeat the question 4-5 times like they didnt hear what we said to them the first, second, third, forth, and so on, times.
do you think i have herpes, but these are my symptoms, but i only have 1 bump, do you think it is, but i didnt touch her,its only a coldsore, i havent had a outbreak in over 10 years but but but BUT BUT BUT.
etc etc etc.

~~ my post was not intended to/or for anyone specific~~

Answer:
i guess i am still feeling quite scared and vulnerable, therefore, took the posts a little personal. NOT that i ever intended or intend to just sleep around since it is not my nature; and since my diagnosis, having sex is the furthest thing from my mind. i am curious as to how people here have handled telling their potential partners because the more i read here, the easier, i hope, it will be for me when the time comes. i also understand the could it be, never did this, that, etc. these are my symptoms getting a little much at times, but again, since this is all new to me, i just figure they are scared, in denial or just hoping that it is just a nightmare they will soon wake from and be herpes free (trust me, i am still hoping that for myself!)

Answer:
I want everyone to disclose their status to every partner.

I don't want to look back in 10 years and feel pain for all of the people who will be needlessly infected because someone's selfish desire for casual sex eclipsed their moral obligation to have respect for other people.

I am furious at the posts I've been reading that are wrapped up all nice and tidy with all the pretty fixins of wanting to know if they should disclose or not when what they are really aiming for is someone to tell them that it is OKAY to deceive some poor unfortunate potential victim into having sex with them without disclosure.

I hear people complaining on how hard it is to find their life partner because they have hsv and think they should be able to sleep their way through the population until they find that person. That's insane - that's casual sex not looking for someone to love.

I'm particularly set off by the post about "THE ONE". You aren't looking for the ONE, you just want to get laid. Why else don't you want to get to know someone? Why else don't you understand that a meaningful relationship can be forged without hitting the sheets the first time you meet someone. And God Forbid if that person should run for the hills if you tell them you have hsv. What do you expect you would have done the same thing if you knew then what you know now.

It has to stop somewhere. Is it about casual sex without strings and disclosure or is it about doing the right thing? Because they are not the same.

I don't want to have other people go through what I go through. I have sorrow over this. I made a choice and I have to live with it but I WILL DISCLOSE MY STATUS. Who gives a damn if I get laid. I can live a few more nights with no one in my bed.

That's what I'm ranting about but I could go on and on.

Answer:
I don't mean to offend you. It is so hard to deal with this and so hard to know how to go on and to disclose your status.

I know you're trying to come to terms with this and to sincerely care about your future and the partners that have yet to come into your lives.

This virus can be the thing that polarizes your future and who you become and who you love. It can be the thing that weeds out the partner who only wants casual sex - the one who will treat you like you are disposable and throw you away like you don't matter.

You do matter. Your heart is important and someone worthy of your love and attention will give you the time to get to know you and appreciate you.

Answer:
i hear what you are saying and i agree 100%. unfortunately, our society is filled with selfish cruel people. now that i am infected, i will ALWAYS disclose, always, i am no where near that point and dread it, but i could sleep nights or look at myself in the mirror if i slept with somebody and did not tell them. OMG, then they would possibly end up with it and suffering like the rest of us.. no thanks...i do not want to be one that can say, yes, i am the reason that another human being has herpes.