Question:
I've helped alot of ppl on here, this forum has changed my life in many differant ways but I need to talk to you guys about something important... I feel I need to get this off my chest right now... Many of you have got to know me on a personal basis especailly the ones PMing me about lifes little problems and I've definatly enjoyed talking to many of you, especially you, Faith... I'm extremly glad that there are ppl like you in this world... If only you were a few years younger :) Many of you know that I'm the type of guy that tells things straight up... I'm about to share a personal experiance that I hope never happens to anyone in here and in some aspects this does relate to STDs... OK here it goes... I don't mean to gloat or anything but in my area I'm really popular... In high school, everyone looked up to me... I'm in University now and it seems my friends have trippled in size, I live in the SE - SW area of my town in Calgary, in my opinion my group of friends owns it, we know everything and anything that goes on in our area... I consider all my friends bros, theres not one of them I wouldn't go down for... Recently I broke up with a special girl who I had been going out with for 3 years... I don't know what happened, I just got bored and dumped her... This was about 1 year ago... Most of my friends are bar-stars... They get laid all the time, by differant girls... I thought for once in my life I'd go off the edge and try doing it... So I started drinking, and smoking weed hard... 1 year ago I would have never tried weed but I started to, not because everyone was doing it but because I wanted the experiance... I was sleeping with differant girls all the time, from work, from bars, from school... On my 23rd birthday I slept with an "experainced girl" and soon after developed a rash on my penis which I still to this day don't have a clue as to what it is... Every doctor I've visited said it wasn't an STD... Since that night I havn't touched a girl, to be honest I've almost lost interest in girls... The partying however continued, every week it would be a bigger party, bigger drugs, more girls... I'm 6.1 with 215lbs and many of you know I work out hard... Whenever I went to the bars ppl would always stair me down as if they had something to prove... 1 year ago I did nothing, most of the fights my friends were in I wouldn't particpate, I usually just kept others from jumping in... We never lost fights anyways and I've seen alot of fights in my day... Now when I see ppl stairing me down I destroy them, I'm talking Ultimate fighting style... In the last 7 months I have tried to experiance all the stuff I couldn't when I had a girlfriend... On Nov 22 Saturday I had a chance to try Cocaine.... Most of my friends had tried it before and I'd like to make it clear that non of my friends ever peer presure anyone... Thats not what friends are for... Since all my friends seemed fine after using it and had told me about their experiances I thought that I would try it just this once... Straight up, this drug was the biggest best high that I've ever experianced, anyone could fall in love with it... The next morning I felt completly normal... I wasn't craving it, there was no withdraw, hangover or crash that alot of the other drugs give off... On sunday night I got high again, this time on weed... At about 12:00 that night I felt as if I was lossing control over my body... I felt extremly agitated, anxiety, angry, nausea even vomiting... That night I didn't/couldn't sleep... On Monday I began shaking constantly. That night I couldn't sleep either, any sleep I got was disturbed sleep... I felt like I completly lost all control over my body... I knew these were cravings... At one time I thought I had contracted herpes and I'm the type of guy that researches things to their death out of paranoia... Since I couldn't sleep I stayed up every night reading every article I could find on the Internet related to cocaine crash... In all my research there was absolutly no way you could cure a withdraw without taking the drug again... The best thing I can do now is wait it out, eventually I'll feel better... I can feel this feeling starting to pass, I've been spending most of my time with family and close friends to take my mind off of things... It seems to be helping... The only reason I write this tonight is because it's making me feel better talking about it... I hope these feelings leave my body soon and I can get on with my life... I'm an extremly strong person, there ain't much things in life that bother me besides unexpected pregnancy, STDs, and addiction... I've just turned 23 and already I'm close to graduation, I drive a $40,000 car which I paid for cash, I own a company which made over $44,000 it's first year in only 10 months (this was 2 years ago)... I'm highly successful in almost everything I do besides math... Your probably asking yourself why I'm telling you this... The reason is because I truly felt addiction coming upon me... If I had another rail of that fucking shit I know for a fact I would become an addict... The addiction is serious, it could happen to ANYONE, look at my case in point... It makes you not give a fuck about anything.... It impairs your judgement, makes you horny, I can see alot of ppl sleeping around, getting and spreading STDs... To any of you who are thinking of trying it, listen to me please.... This drug addicts you by taking control over the body... The actual high is NOT what gets you addicted... It's the pain you'll feel during your crash... There is absolutly nothing you can do to stop it besides taking it again... Out of ten ppl that try it, FIRST TIME, four become addicted... I needed to get this off my chest... To anyone who listened THANK YOU... I plan to stay alcohol/drug free for a long time, I really need to tone things down a notch...

RICH

P.S. THANK YOU AGAIN for listening, I will continue to reply to ppl in need in this forum, and please forgive the grammer, I'm still feeling extremly sick, I'll keep you updated on my progress... Remember addiction is not something that you control... You must believe me... This pain is not worth it, its not worth ruining your life... I know things will get better for me... I just hope it's soon...

Answer:
Rich - I don't know you but value everything you write here. I think we all make mistakes but we learn. You tried something new, you learned. The good news is you know it's not the right path to follow and you are working to rectify that. I am 36, live in MA and went thru something similar when I was 20. I did coke for about a year as it was the only way I could feel good about myself. I look back now and think what a fool I was, but that bad time in my life got me to where I am today. We live and we learn. Stay on the right path, keep mentoring people in forums such as this and be true to yourself... and it is all good. One day at a time is all we can ask for.

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope everyone reads it and takes it to heart.

Good luck to you!

Answer:
I've definatly enjoyed talking to many of you, especially you, Faith... I'm extremly glad that there are ppl like you in this world... If only you were a few years younger :) :-D :-D LOLOL...


Wow... it all make sense now..... <big smile>


Rich, you're WONDERFUL!!!!!!
You answered me (to my PM the other day) in this brave, and meaningful way!!!!!!!!! ( I didn't expect this! :D )

Ok.... 2 most important people in my life are recovering addicts. One is alcohol, one is drug.
I've learned very important things about life from them.
Do you know what they say in AA and NA meetings? <grin>
"Alcohol/drug is not your problem. YOU are your problem."

Every problem that happens in our lives is only a "means" for us to face ourselves and think of life, and find who we are.
Who we are is not the image of us that we have, or that others have. Who we are is simply, how we are. And we find how we are, in the way that we deal with those life problems.

I believe, everyone is looking for the answer. The answer to a question. And the question is.. "Who am I?" "What for am I here in this world?" Because we don't know the answer, we sometimes feel helpless, empty, and do.. stupid stuff sometimes....

We try to go out, do something, to find the answer. We try to find the answer in someone else by getting together with the person. We try to define ourselves in our reputation among people. We try to find the answer by getting a success and being looked up by other people. And try to find it in things we own. We try to look for the answer in everybody, in everywhere.
And while doing that we meet problems. Problem in relationship, having addiction for alcohol, food, drug, money,..etc....We regret things we did, cry and wonder why we have to suffer from this problem. But... the problem, IS the answer. We can ONLY find the answer IN the problem.

Rich, you first met a problem. You thought you might get lifetime STD. But it wasn't. So you didn't have to deal with it. So your quest of "who you are" kept going by getting more "outside world" experiences. Then finally, you met YOUR problem.
This problem has been given to you to answer to YOUR QUESTION!

Look at us, look at what we all are doing here...
We all met our problem which is having HSV. We looked for the solution. Read books, surfed on the internet, and found this forum. And started asking questions, and talking here.
We are only ones who face the thing (HSV) that's beyond our control. When we deal with HSV, we don't care what kind of job one has, what kind of clothe one wear, what kind of religion one has, one's race, nationality, appearance, ...etc. Each one of us is only "how we deal with the bigger thing than us". We are only "how we are" here. "How we are", are talking each other.
But... by doing this, we discover how we really are, also we find connection among people who are here. And we've come to know how our thoughts and actions and activities affect others, and how they are related each other. And by doing the right thing, we contribute ourselves to the healthy flow among us. And the flow will eventually come back to us in the most natural way. Each one of us is essential for creating the flow. And the healthier the flow is, the clearer you see and find how unique, and how special you are. You'll find who you are, and the meaning of your life. This is not only between us who are here. Through each individuals, the flow extends in many directions infinitely.

And once we find who we are, we are free. Free from all the emptiness we feel inside.
I don't know, how other people find who they are. But I've found who I am through dealing with all the problems I had.
That's why I feel so fearless now. About career, about relationship, about HSV, about..life.
And we tend to forget the important life lessons, when the disaster is gone. I even feel that this herpes recurrence I get is a reminder, which is telling me not to forget the most important thing in life. And having my feet on the ground.

Personally, I find much more strength in people who went through problem(s) and found who they are. I find much more peace and stability in them, no matter what kind of problem they were/are going through.


Rich, I KNOW, you can find the answer!! I KNOW, you're gonna beat the drug addiction!!! Because you're already facing yourself!!!!!!
And your true strength that will beat the addiction, is not your ability of buying a car, beating other guys, ...etc.
Your true strength is that you know what is the right thing to do, and you actually do it!!!

Look at how many people read your long report of HSV. Think about how much hope you gave us. It might be done for your own purpose to do all those research and write that report. It might be done for the desire to help others. But just doesn't matter. You did it, because you knew that was the right thing to do. How you are in doing so, affect us in many ways! Don't you find real YOU in that, more than being bar-star, or even being popular among people? :-)

Rich, I know you can do... I know you will....
And don't forget... just like other people ask your help, you sometimes have to ask other's help. If you need detox, got to the rehab center and do it. If you need to hear other people's stories and opinions, go to the meetings and get all knowledges.
Showing one's weakness is a strength. Getting a help from others may be a big life lesson you may be able to learn through this experiences.

Thank you Rich for this post!!!!
And like I said..... you mean so much to us!!!

<big smile!>


Faith

Answer:
Thanks Faith, I'm starting to feel better... Just to clearify though, I've only done this shit once, I assure you I won't stray again... The stuff you said makes sense... We're all trying to find out who we are... I've gone over your recent posts today... Your encouraging words truly speak out to me and everyone reading your messages... Definatly keep it up, I think ppl care alot about you on here... The part you wrote about how mistakes make ppl stronger really came out at me... It's soooo true...

Stay strong

Rich

Answer:
Hi Rich,


I'm glad. You sound good. :-D

I always, and only, speak from my experience.
Everything I say is true to me. And I hope, some people can relate to it, and find a clue in it.


Bad things in life make us appreciate good things more. Without sadness, we can't even feel happiness.

Life is wondrous. <smile>


Faith