Question:
Hi

I'm new here - 32, female, very glad I found this board.

I contracted HSV-1 in my last relationship, about 4 years ago. I sometimes forget I have it; I have not had a recognizable breakout since the intitial one. But now I find myself looking at entering my first relationship since I learned I had the virus.

He is very sweet, and I have a distrinct feeling that we could have something very special. We have been apart for a few months since our initial meeting, but will be reuniting soon. Recently our phone conversations have become more intimate and I would normally be looking forward to what I assume would be our first romantic encounter. Naturally, my enthusiasm is dampened by the knowledge that at some point before that could happen I will have to let him know that I carry the virus.

So... does anybody have any suggestions for me here? I'm sure this is a popular topic here and would GREATLY appreciate any words of advice or past experience anyone could give me.

Thanks a lot.

Palomita

Answer:
Hi Palomita,

I'm 36 year-old female.
Don't worry, you know it's time to tell him, and that's the time to tell him. <smile>
I've heard soooo many stories about "telling", since I found out that I had genital herpes. They said many people appreciate your honesty. I didn't believe that first, but I've come to know that it's true, since I experienced that in this year..

Each person did this "telling" in a different way. Some sites offer the lesson of How to tell, but I guess, as long as you tell him sincerely, "how to tell" doesn't matter.
When I did it, I cried and I screamed. He was the person who I ever could communicate with closely, and who ever understood very deep part of me. I didn't want to lose him. And that strong emotion freaked me out. But somehow, he understood. He appreciated my honesty, and told me that I was more beautiful than ever.

The value of a person is infinite. It can not be compared with some problems you have in your life, no matther what the problem is. I learned that people love you for who you are, ..... much more than I thought. I've seen many wonderful sides of human-being since I became HSV patient.

Just be "you". And tell him what's on your mind, sincerely and honestly. That's it. No matter what his reaction is, as long as you do what you should do, things will work out for the best.
When you do what you should do, you are already a winner of your life. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

Answer:
What Palomina says is right, and good on you for telling someone you're thinking of having a serious relationship with.

Only thing to remember is to be strong and proud, even when you might not feel it. Your partner, unless they are already familiar with the disease, will probably be shocked and scared, and if you're shocked and scared, he'll feed on that. Of course it IS schocking and scary, but do your best to be strong for both of you and the result will probably be better than you think.

You're not plagued. You're not a lesser human being. You're entitled to be loved and made love to. Chances are your relationship will suffer much larger trials than this little thing. Remind him of that too. It's easy to think that herpes is somehow the end of the world, but it's not. Think about. Sometimes you forget you even have it. Why? Because there are far more important things in life to occupy our minds!

Best of luck.

Answer:
Well, first of all, thank you very much for your replies. He came to visit, I told him when it felt right, before sex.

He was very sweet, said he was "at peace" with it and praised me for being so brave.

We slept together about 3 times and he didn't want to use protection. I tried to insist but he just dismissed it. We had oral and regular sex both times.


I was so elated at his reaction, so much more in love than ever, so happy about finally being able to feel optimistic about our chances of a future together. We talked about our plans to live together after school finishes at some length.

BUT NOW...he has flown back home and all I have is this terrible terrible guilt for letting him take the risks he took. I am absolutely convinced that in a few days I'll get the call, that he'll have his first outbreak, will be all alone to curse me and become angered. The worst part is, after over 3 years of no noticible ob's, I feel funky down there. I even think that what I had mistaken for a hemmerhoid may have actually been an ob. I feel so stupid and evil. I feel like killing myself. Here I had the trust of this beautiful man and I have now scarred him for life.

Thanks for listening.

Palomita

Answer:
You have to absolve yourself of the guilt you feel.

You have to acknowledge to yourself that some people will love you so much that they will not care about the risk.

We want people to accept us as we are... but if we don't allow them to... we leave ourselves in a no-win situation of our own making...

You were honest with him, he made a choice to be with you. Be at peace with that...

Now I'm not saying you should not encourage the use of protection... But you have someone that loves you enough to be willing to take the risk. That's a good thing.

I do know how you feel... I would feel bad if someone I was dating ever got it... Sometimes when a relationship starts to go bad, then I start to not want to have sex because knowing I might end it, even though I 99% of the time use protection to reduce risk... when a relationship looks like its coming to and end, the level of risk I'm willing to accept changes... I don't want to send them back out into the world with a new issue to overcome...

But it seems like your relationship with this guy is still promising????

Right???

If things are still going well... He still has what he was taking the risk for.... YOU....

Don't take that from him, don't take him from yourself... (not on this issue at least)

I do know how you feel though....

Think about it this way... The emotional scars left behind from a relationship are the ones that cut deeper then anything else...

Focus on an honest and communicative relationship... That is the greatest gift you could give each other...

And lastly... don't be afraid to share with him how you feel right now. Let him know you are scared. Its ok... in fact... in a good relationship, ANYTHING LESS then sharing all your feelings is unfair. Don't throw your feelings on him... Let him know that you realize that your fear is your issue... But that you just want him to be aware of where you are at.

Your fear is YOUR problem... BUT its still good to share your feelings with him.

Your conversation might go something like this:

"sweetheart I want to share something with you. Its something I'm dealing with, and I am not telling you this to burden you, or because there is any action that YOU need to take... this is my issue.... But, I just want to share my feelings with you in the same way that I would always want you to share your feelings with me."

Sharing your feelings without putting your issues on your partner is an AWESOME way to build a relationship... It builds deep deep deep understanding... it builds a connection... When you share your feelings... when you expose yourself openly, honestly, and completely to your partner... You learn so much about them, they so much about you... You learn how they think, and you become better able to love them the way they want to be loved, and vice versa..

Sharing that with your partner... knowing them inside and out on every level.... its as close as you'll ever get to being able to read someone's mind. Its awesome...

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!


fhl,

nik

Answer:
Thank you so much!!!! I am on an emotional rollercoaster and your words mean the world to me right now. Funny - my friend told me not to talk to him today because of the doomsday tone in my voice. She's never heard me this way, generally I'm really level. And if he has been exposed, I don't want to cause him undue anxiety, as it could only hurt his physical defenses. But on the other hand you're right about communication...what a quandry!!!

Anyway, thanks again. I have read several of your posts and you seem to have a lot of interesting insight. Take care - Palomita

Answer:
Well, good news so far.

It's been 12 days since my long-distance bf and I were together, and he seems to be doing fine. I told myself that I would allow myself to relax at this point, even though I know that there is still a possibility he contracted it.

This whole experience has been very illuminating. I was so focused on how he would react to my having HSV that I did not predict how horrifying and debilitating my anxiety would be in realizing that he could be leaving with a present from me. Of course, I didn't think I'd have my first ob in 4 years a few days later, either.

He still doesn't know anything about what I've been going through but I'll tell him about it as I bring up my reservations about sleeping with him in our next short interlude in March. It might be best to wait instead until we are together for good, which will probably be soon (June). I want to do right by him, he's a keeper for sure.

Palomita