Question:
I know we're not supposed to point fingers and do the blame game because it won't make this any better, but I can't help it. I want to kill the guy who gave this to me. I met him through a friend one night at a party and we went our separate ways. Once I was at home, I called him that same night just to tell him how great it was to meet him and he basically invited himself over. I should've said no. If only I'd said no. We wound up having sex. It was awful. Small penis, lasted only a minute. Afterward, he rolled over and didn't even want to touch me. I should've known something was up. He knew the whole time that he had herpes, but didn't give a damn. Maybe he figured that if we used a condom and he only lasted a minute, I couldn't get it. WRONG. A week later I was diagnosed with herpes. I called him and cried and asked him why. He said that he didn't have it and that since coming to New York, I was the only girl he'd been with. I told him that I wouldn't be mad if he told me that he had it because there's nothing I can do about it now, just to see what he'd say. That's when his story changed. He then proceeded to tell me that two years ago, he had what he thought to be an STD, "a large pimple that hurt like hell." The doctor supposedly told him that it was an allergic reaction from not drying himself properly. I screamed at him to stop treating me like an idiot. Allergic reactions don't look like large pimples that hurt like hell. And you don't get allergic reactions from not drying properly. I could've put my hand through the phone and choked him. What makes me even sicker is that he tried to meet up with me throughout the week after we had sex. KNOWING THAT HE HAS HERPES. It's like I was raped or something. I see him everywhere I go. Last night, I was outside of my apartment building smoking a cigarette and I could've sworn that I saw him come out of the shadows wearing the exact same clothes that he had on that night. I thought he was there to hurt me. I almost had a panic attack and was shaky as I raced up to my apartment and locked my bedroom door. Turns out that it was my 50 year old neighbor. But this happens to me all the time. I really need to go to counseling, but I have no health insurance. I constantly cry and have nightmares. Either about him or the herpes. I really think that making him feel the hurt, pain and anger that I'm going through is the only thing that can make me feel any better at this point. He's lucky he's since moved to another state.

Answer:
you had sex with this guy and within one week you were diagnosed with herpes? was this with a swab test or blood work? Are you sure you did not have herpes prior to being with him?

is there anybody you can talk to? you really need to get over the anger and fear that you are experiencing. that will do nothing but make you ill and probably have obs that you don't need.

this is a great forum for support and information. hang in there.

Answer:
I was diagnosed via examination. I don't get the actual lab results from my culture until Saturday. The doctor said that she would bet her license that it's herpes. I guess with herpes, you can never really be sure that you didn't have it prior, but I am about 99 percent sure that I didn't. I had just been tested in March for herpes and HIV and it was negative. I've always been really good about getting tested at the very least, twice a year for all STDs including HIV.

I just called this hotline about counseling services. The problem is that I don't have health insurance and it's already costing me an arm and a leg to go to the doctor and get all of these tests, plus the cost of the medication. All I can do for now is either a) try to find a free group therapy session and/or b) surround myself with friends...and talk to you guys of course.

I have been trying to calm down because I know that it can make it worse. I think last night was the worst in my panicking. When I thought I saw him come out of the shadows, I nearly died. I bawled like a baby. Has anyone else gone through this kind of thing? Being paranoid that either the guy that gave it to you or one of your past partners found out somehow and they're going to come to your house and hurt you? Even walking around during the day, I feel like people are staring at me and there's a big H on my forehead. I'm really going to try to find a free therapy session.

Answer:
nygirl, here's a link for support groups...



Sounds like you need to find something, and perhaps there is something that you can attend that is either free or low cost.

And, many of those on this board want to choke the guy with you...

Answer:
I understand how you feel about walking around and feeling like there is a huge "H" stamped on your forehead. Of course, we know this is not the case, and it will get easier, believe me. Here's one good thing; the guy who gave this to you moved out of state.......always keep that in mind when you do get paranoid. It has only been since april 2007 for me, so I understand how you feel about being angry and paranoid, scared, etc. Be strong, you will get through this.;)

Answer:
Cheer up NY it will get better with time.I know you probably dont see that happening anytime soon but it will.I tried (and almost succeeded) in runnig the guy over with my car that gave me this.When I was first diagnosed I was a wreck.Just knew my life was over.Never get married or have kids.But overtime I have come to realise that my life isnt over,in some ways its just beginning.Please try to be positive because it could be worse.That is what helped me get through the initial shock.I told myself be glad it's HSV and not HIV.

Answer:
Thanks guys. I really needed to hear that. This board has been a life saver.

Answer:
nygirl,

I am so sorry you are going through this! Really, it sounds like you have post traumatic stress. It may sound corny, but if you could write about it-it may help. Write hate letters to him, but don't send them. Keep writing them until you feel like you could write him a letter forgiving him, or if that's too far a stretch, letting him off the hook. I think it would be cathartic for you.

Living well is the best revenge!
Do things that bring you joy and pleasure, Pamper yourself a bit. Take a class you've always wanted to take. It helps! He's not worth all this free rent in your head.

If you feel you need counceling there are organizations that give it for free, You just have to dig around to find them.

I still have an occasional fantasy of hurling a boulder through my herpe donor's window...actually all of his windows. :lol: But I love my freedom too much to risk getting in trouble.

Feel better! ;)
Life's too short to waste on resentment.

Answer:
Thanks, Shayna. I was actually thinking of writing a letter. I used to keep a diary when I was younger. Maybe I'll pick that up again. I'm definitely going to do some digging for free counseling.

I used to go to the gym a lot before this happened. I'm still in pain, so I can't just yet, but I think when I'm able to again, that'll help me feel better as well.