Question:
So my first OB in FINALLY subsiding back into my spine. Its been 4 weeks. Just in time for my monthly. Yeah. So I go back to my Dr on Thursday for the PAP that I was way overdue for and ended up needing a double biopsy for something she noticed that might be cancer. My privates are taking a real beating...along with my mental state. My results wont be back till Tues or Wed. I am hoping that its just the HPV.

Some summer vacation. Since I work at a school...I am dreading the return next week where everyone asks "how was your summer?". I'll try like hell not to bust out into tears when I answer.

And I need to get a divorce. Husband expects me to do all the work and take my money since he practically works for free...all the time. We still live together (when he's actually home) and I have supported him for 11 years. Thats some bull.

So i just needed to unload this morning. I know that all of this is supposed to make me a stronger person but how strong? Enough already. I need a break from all of this.

Thanks for letting me share.

Answer:
When I read your post, it brought to mind a line from the movie, Hoosiers, that's always stayed with me for some reason. It went, "The sun doesn't shine on the same dog's ass everyday, but honey, you ain't seen a ray of light since you got here."

I hear people telling others to be strong all the time. Since I've been on this web site, I've read it probably a hundred times, and usually it's good advice. There are times, though, when you're dealing with issues bigger than your power to control them, and you're emotionally exhausted from trying to fight against them, that it's better to just relax and sort of let yourself be carried along with the current for a while. Easily said, I know, but once the wheels of strife are set into motion, there's not too much to be done, except throwing yourself under them, that will stop them short of their appointed destination. The cycles of life must run their course. Better to ride along than be crushed underneath, if you know what I mean.

I'll keep a good thought for you. I had a biopsy recently, so I know how scary that can be. Mine was negative, and I truly hope yours will be, too. Biopsies eliminate the possibilty of cancer more often than they detect it. Keep that in mind.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in the natural cycles of life, and when I'm overwhelmed, I take comfort in the following from Ecclesiastes. It reminds me that, even if I can't see the light ahead, I can know it's there, and that eventually I will emerge into it. You will, too.

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Answer:
thank you.
and so well written.
gave me the chills.
riding the current today...NOT on the river in Egypt.

Answer:
I can relate... 6 months after my HSV diagnosis... I got the HPV one... and I have the cancerous form... those biopsy's are a blast aren't they... luckily.... I have been HPV free now for almost a year.... keep your head up...

Answer:
I know that all of this is supposed to make me a stronger person but how strong? Enough already. I need a break from all of this.

Thanks for letting me share. I’m iconoclastic, but that saying ("what doesn't kill you makes you stronger") is truly one that always irritated a tiny amount of hell out of me on some level. Then I heard this metallurgist <<my rant piggybacking off your rant begins here>> talking about fatigue. He was describing how a bridge can look sound and strong but how on a molecular level, the material it is made of has been stressed so much—in tension and compression over years and years---that it is actually weak. Even though it has never “broken” from carrying weight X before, carrying that same weight in the future can be enough to break it. I think this is often true for people…BS can get old. And people can get tired. Period. And a break can be good in that it forces you to create something truly new and improved, vs. just tinkering with the edges...

GET THE DIVORCE and whatever else you decide you need to be your most dignified self...

Answer:
and I am so tired. you hit the nail on the head. this biopsy that i had last Friday is very painful and ugly and i'm still WAITING for results. leave me coochy alone already. and i return to work on Monday after having the summer off...i am THE chef at a school and NEED to feed the masses. i have no replacement. so if this thing comes back bad (cancer)...i might break.

and the dear man i need to get rid of appears to be so incredibly insensitive that i broke down hyterical last night. what have hell have i been doing the last 11 years? why did i marry him? damn dreams.

and i just need a hugg, a sholder to cry on, someone to curl into and hide. but i'm alone with myself. i have never been so sad.
and its cold a rainy outside.

this place helps though.

Answer:
and I am so tired. you hit the nail on the head. this biopsy that i had last Friday is very painful and ugly and i'm still WAITING for results. leave me coochy alone already. and i return to work on Monday after having the summer off...i am THE chef at a school and NEED to feed the masses. i have no replacement. so if this thing comes back bad (cancer)...i might break." Hey eyesbleu: one good thing; getting back to work/school/cooking and feeding the masses will bea good thing??? Yes?? Get your mind off of the H and the man and life in general?? I think so!!!!!

"and the dear man i need to get rid of appears to be so incredibly insensitive that i broke down hyterical last night. what have hell have i been doing the last 11 years? why did i marry him? damn dreams."

I was with a recent ex bf for 5 years. He lived in my house for free, took advantage of me, used me and abused me; I knew things were bad for a good 2 to 2 1/2 years, but it took me that long to cut the strings and kick his sorry ass out of my home and life. You will get through the divorce.

[quote eyesbleu] "and i just need a hugg, a sholder to cry on, someone to curl into and hide. but i'm alone with myself. i have never been so sad.
and its cold a rainy outside."

I am also alone with myself. I have noboby to hug, no shoulder to cry on, nobody to curl into. I thought I needed that, and at times times, I still do, but after my second ob and my true realization that I actually do have H (yes, I was in denial for the first 4 months-even with the constant aches and pains); I feel okay to be alone. Right now, I do not want anybody in my life except for me, my kids and my friends (who do NOT know that I have H). I am focusing on ME.

this place helps though. -this place is my saving grace since April!

You will get through this; sadness aside, rain aside (it has been raining here since Sunday afternoon, and it is ugly and raw and chilly!). Continue to take care of yourself. Cry if ya need to, then listen to a favorite song or read a book, or curl up with a blanket. YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!!!

Answer:
Eyesbleu, we have something in common besides the old H. I'm also the lone ranger in the kitchen at a private school, except I work year round (yippee), feeding about 200 hungry souls every day. I have to admit, though, that I love what I do. I quit a good office job where I made tons more money but hated the atmosphere to go back to working at the school. (Worked there before for a couple years and quit for more money... big mistake.)

I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling blue, though. Wish there was something I could do to cheer you up, or better yet, make it all go away. But you're not alone. You have friends here, and we're all sending good thoughts and strong energy your way. I hope you can feel it. Keep your head up, honey. The rain will stop, and you'll make it through this. I know you will.

Answer:
thank you for all your support. really. i'm doing better this afternoon. funny how these things come in waves. no results yet.

Writercll...how funny, we do the same thing. why are you doing it year round? i feed 450...3 employees and i totally LOVE my job. but re-entry is a tough one. been at the same school for 10 years. there is something to be said for giving up money to do what you love. i do look forward to getting back to my "school family". i need my structure back.

Blue...thanks for your words too. i have told all my closest/trusted friends & my family and they have been so supportive. they all seem to think that its no big deal. livable. i wish for you that you could feel comfortable confiding in someone who would wrap their arms around you with warmth and love. i'm sending one of those huggs your way. it must be so hard to keep it to yourself. i have a big mouth and must share or i'd pop.

cure for the blues: big pot of home made chicken noodle soup...bottle of wine and some advil...total control of the remote. its the little things right?

at least for today.