Question:
I know this sounds really petty, but it really pisses me off when I see people who seem to constantly sleep around and have caught NOTHING - and *I* caught H from exclusively dating someone I truly cared about. (Turns out he had a fiance who he was cheating on, but still.) I have a friend who is, for lack of a better word, a slut. She literally gives out blow jobs like they're candy, meets random guys on the internet and has sex with them the same day, takes a different guy home from the bar every night, etc, etc. Sometimes it makes me so MAD. *I* don't sleep around, *I* don't give a blow job to every guy who looks at me sideways, yet here I am - affected by herpes. I know it's ridiculous to think this way, but does anyone else ever get jealous, or angry, or bitter (or whatever you want to call it) that some people can have sex with EVERYONE and never be worse for the wear, and that other people can hardly have sex with ANYONE and come away with an STD?!

Answer:
You hit the nail on the head in this post! I'm a senior in college. I am in a sorority and have friends that sleep around ALL THE TIME. They get drunk and go home with random people more often than you would believe. They have NOTHING. I have had sex with two people. Two boyfriends. I got HPV from the first (he had no idea of course) and GHSV-1 (no idea as well). TWO FOR TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel disgusting and dirty and embarrassed. I am a good girl, not promiscuous, I don't sleep around and look, here I am covered in STD's and of course I couldn't just get a bacterial one that would go away after treatment, NO! I get the ones that last for the rest of your life, one possibly causing cervical cancer, the other giving me painful OB's and restricting my sex life forever (don't even get me started on when I eventually want to have children!!!!). I think about this constantly wondering when my next OB will come and how this will affect me throughout my life. I'm furious and bitter and angry. Get this, my mother told me this past weekend that I am a grouchier person than I used to be. She says I used to be so positive, sweet and upbeat and lately I snap easily and just seem grouchy. I just wanted to yell at her, "WELL IF YOU JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT STD NUMBER TWO YOU WOULD BE FING PISSED OFF TOO!!!" Of course I love my mother and this is not her fault, but seriously! I feel like I have no one to even talk to about this, my anger and anxiety just sit in my head all day simmering and growing, making me more pissed off. You know your going crazy when you wish you had chylmydia or gonorrhea instead of lifelong herpes....

Thanks for listening to my ranting....I'm glad someone else feels the same way....We should vent to each other once in a while, I think we have a lot in common!

Answer:
one more thing....haha

Do you feel like your mood just changes at the drop of a hat? Let my try and clarify....I post on here and I'm very positive and genuinely want to learn as much as possible. I'm so very thankful for everyone that writes back, in fact, I don't think I would nearly as calm as I am now without this forum.

Anyway...as upbeat and positive as being on here makes me feel, all the sudden in the middle of the day (thinking about this of course) I just get furious. I listen to my friends (who don't know) bitching about a guy that didn't call or not wanting to go to class or some other trivial issue and I just want to yell at them, "You have no idea what I'm going through, you get genital herpes then complain to me about that stupid guy!" I'm trying so hard to make this all ok in my head, but some days i'm terrified, others confident, then the next I'm furious. Does anyone else ever feel this way?


I just feel so messed up and not like myself lately, I'm not sure what to do about it.

Answer:
I think you're wrong in your asssumption. I think MANY of them WILL have it - unless the stats are wrong. Some will know they have it but are in denial or just don't want to disclose it. Or they just don't know they have it. Routine STD testing in the UK doesn't include testing for herpes - so over here people say they've been tested and don't have anything - which isn't always true as they may have herpes.

And your friend who's a 'slut'. WHAT IS SHE THINKING???? She should be less worried about herpes (although it doesn't sound as if she is - maybe cos she already has it?) - and be more worried about being raped/murdered.

I'm not judging what she does - that's for her to decide - but she sounds as if she's putting herself at risk of violence.

Answer:
I am not going to sit and pass judgement on anybody for the life the choose to lead....to each their own. But I agree that she should be careful and more worried about rape/abuse/murder than herpes. I also hope she is using her head and using condoms....but i doubt it.

Many people who DO sleep around alot DO have various diseases, some curable, some not. Obviously, they are not going to hang a sign around there neck saying "hey, alright! I have the CLAP!!! I have HERPES!!! " I think you would be surprised at how many people you know who DO have things like hpv/hsv/hiv, as well as other stds!

I know people who DO sleep around and they have NOTHING. Never had ANYTHING. Just the luck of the draw I guess. Then I know people who were virgins and had sex once and contracted hsv and even worse, HIV! Life is definitely NOT fair, so it is up to US to make best with the cards we are dealt. It seems illogical that somebody who has sex once or twice or only with one or two people should end up with a lifelong virus to deal with, but it happens alot more frequently they you realize.

I think it is important for people like you to shed light onto those (like teens) who think that herpes only happens to "bad people" and "sluts". It is not a "slutty" disease. People of all walks of life get it. I was never a slut, but I was also not some vestal virgin when I contracted it. I got it from a lying sack of poop boyfriend. I don't feel "bad" or "dirty" or "slutty" because I have herpes. It is a HUGE inconvienence in my life, one I can do without, but now that I have it, I just DEAL with it and try to not let it overrule my life.

But yes, people who put themselves in certain situations (like your friend banging every Tom, Dick and Scary) is puttng herself in a very precarious situation. So it should be no shock to her when she finally DOES catch some kind of STD.

Does she know your status?!?!? Perhaps you can have a talk with her...?? Maybe if she hears your story she will slow down a bit?

Answer:
I agree with you guys totally and have felt the same way many times in similar situations.........its so hard not to feel angry or upset when your friends talk about such trivial sounding stuff or for that matter "normal" non std talk about dating random guys, etc. it is so hard, especially in college..........everyone sleeps around and all they think is if they use condoms they wont get anything.....wrong again.....and in college herpes is such a "dirty" thought of disease and the word is flung around all the time in a degrating manner.

I feel the same way.........especially when i was diagnosed..........my best childhood friend has slept with over 100 men and is 24. I have only had two boyfriends in my life and the first one of 3 1/2 years gave me genital warts (cheated on me a million times......never knew, one day he breaks down and tells me....only when i got warts) and the second (current b/f) was with for 3 years at the time........had no clue he even had it, never any symptoms or reason to believe anything was weird and out of the blue i get this weird rash and bam! herpes it is for me .....he was more shocked than me but still the irony i cant believe seemed so unfair, especially when i would think of my best friend........all she got was chlamydia.....2 years ago and even that didnt change her ways.

When i finally told her about my problem (after having it for a year and being so depressed i was suicidal.....last stitch effort to find some sort of support or comfort) and all she could say was "well at least you have a boyfriend, im going to be single forever" I wanted to punch her in the f***ing head. And then she went on to say that she will "foreverbe in pain" too since she had a miscarriage a year before(2 months pregnant) and it became apparent that she didnt give a shit nor have a caring bone in her body or an ounce of empathy. So thats where i came to understand that even my best friend for my whole life, through ANYTHING else in my life was there for me at the drop of a hat no matter what........had no clue what to say and clearly was not going to support me or anything like it when it came to herpes. She has barely called me since i told her a little over a year ago and ive seen her like 5 times total ( granted she lives in anoter state) but still, shes here enough visiting her family and other old friends. Life can suck and be so unfair.....lol sorry I too had to vent. Private message me if you want to ever talk about feeling angry or upset by it all. My emotions are insane as well..........mood swings and everything like you said.

Answer:
Honestly, I don't agree with you guys at all. That's playing the "better YOU then me, SLUT!" game which I think is really US enforcing the same stigmas people apply to us because we're the ones with H.

Fact is, her sexual promiscuity is her choice and hers alone. I hope she knows the risk because now that I'm over the initial depression I think getting herpes is far from the worst thing that has ever happened to me (though at the beginning I swore I was going to die of embarrassment.) I hope your friend practices safe sex (which she should not necessarily because of H, but there's all sorts of things like HIV/AIDS or Hep. C which are a real bitch to get) and makes good choices.

Why the hell would some of you guys leap to the conclusion that just because this girl sleeps around she's going to be raped and murdered? That's a bit of a stretch.

I know a lot of sluts, and they're still my friends. I've always advised them to be careful, and know that if they deny that they like to sleep around I will call them on it--regardless of it's when we're just hanging out or in front of someone they're trying to sleep with.

But... honestly? I have no interest in turning this around and saying someone "deserves" it while I don't. Life's can be luck of the draw, and sometimes you don't get the best hand. That's just how it works. I mean, you don't get (or not get) anything just because you "deserve" it in the real world. That's not how life is.

Answer:
I dont think I, nor they are implying anyone "deserves" herpes, its more of the irony of life and the close proximity of having the reailty of such a close to home scenario in which best friends who lead "high-risk" lifestyles come out without anything and those of us who chose to lead "low-risk" lifestyles have ended up with this fate. No one deserves this and that was not the point of the posts above....it was referring to the irony and the raw human nature that comes naturally as an initial response to such a scenario. Just because you feel you are coping well with being diagnosed, does not mean everyone else is on your playing field. That is good for you and you alone............ everyone else is entitled to their opinions, their feelings, and their views regarding herpes, as they go through the many stages of adjusting without judgement.

Answer:
I dont think I, nor they are implying anyone "deserves" herpes, its more of the irony of life and the close proximity of having the reailty of such a close to home scenario in which best friends who lead "high-risk" lifestyles come out without anything and those of us who chose to lead "low-risk" lifestyles have ended up with this fate. No one deserves this and that was not the point of the posts above....it was referring to the irony and the raw human nature that comes naturally as an initial response to such a scenario. Just because you feel you are coping well with being diagnosed, does not mean everyone else is on your playing field. That is good for you and you alone............ everyone else is entitled to their opinions, their feelings, and their views regarding herpes, as they go through the many stages of adjusting without judgement. I think a hefty portion of what's addressed on this forums is that there really isn't any person or demographic that gets herpes. You sleep around a lot and you get it (or you don't), you sleep with one person and get it (or you don't). When it comes to contracting herpes the only difference I see is people who have it and people that don't.

I'm saying I'm dealing well ... which has no bearing on my thoughts that it's incredibly naive and rude to say things like "they deserve it but I didn't."

I have no need to apologize for being honest.