Question:
Just wondering how/if anyone has gotten over feeling totally undesirable. Every time I meet someone, I have it in my head that I have to keep them at a distance. I don't want someone I'm interested in to think that I don't like them because I'm afraid to even be alone with them. i don't want to be in the position to have to tell someone why i don't want to have sex, or worse, tell them i do, but have herpes.
So i'm just not letting people in- I haven't even told my best and most trustworthy friend cause i don't want the stigma attatched herpes. I'm not dirty, I have morals...the list goes on.

anyway, just wanted to know if anyone is feeling the same way.

Answer:
Bella,

I think... once you actually make a step forward, means.. once you tell that you have herpes and tell what you feel about the person, .... your view point will change 180 degrees. You'll see, most people are very understanding, compassionate, and... they will still be there for you.

MC37 Pilot wrote many posts about it. Read them. Those are real stories that really happened to him. And I think, once you start seeing everything in perspective, the same wonderful things will happen to you.

Remember, you are the only person who can save you. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will. If you can change yourself, the world around you will change with it. Try. You'll see. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

Answer:
Bella,

I don't have a lot of time to respond to your message at the moment, but here is something I wrote when I had more time, if you want to read it...



Just wondering how/if anyone has gotten over feeling totally undesirable. to respond briefly....

I'm not sure how old you are... But if you've dated enough, had your heart broken enough, felt the pain and hurt of relationships that were dishonest, or non-communicative, non-loving...

If you have had a few of those, you KNOW that a good relationship with an honest and compassionate person is GOLDEN....

KNOWING that... KNOWING how precious and RARE a good, honest, unselfish caring compassionate relationships is...

What about having HSV prevents you from being that? HSV does not prevent you from being honest... rather... it gives you a realization and a priority to BE honest...

Having HSV does not prevent you from caring... RATHER it puts you in a position to be MORE caring because you know what hurt feels like. You can empathize...

Having HSV does not prevent you from loving someone... Rather it puts you in a position to know that ALL there is is love...

And HSV doesn't affect your ability to love. If HSV made us un-capable of love... THEN we'd be in trouble...

Not the case...

Here's a quote for you:

Life is all about love. Love is the only true meaning of life. Being alive means that we are occupants in love's house and are accountable to loves rules. Neither life nor love requires us to give up our dignity, self worth, career objectives, favorite television program, or our good common sense.. For some reason we don't always understand this. We believe in the necessity of giving up one thing in order to get something else. We especially believe this about love. We do not understand that the highest expression of love is the experience and realization of more--more of who you are, what you do, what you believe, and what you have. Love is the experience of oneness, a union of the mind and heart. Unfortunately, we believe we can establish this union with others only if we give up something. We attempt to create this union with others before first creating it within ourselves. This is absolutely impossible. You cannot get love from the outside until you ARE love on the inside.

Now bella.... You KNOW you are capable of love... You KNOW that HSV can't touch your heart. YOU control that.

HSV is a sexual inconvenience. NOT a love inconvenience....

Just wondering how/if anyone has gotten over feeling totally undesirable. Bella.... Love is desirable... You have the ability to love.... Therefore, you have the ability to be desirable.

Yes, there are some people who just desire sex.... To them... You might be a little less desirable... But who gives a damn...

If you look for people who desire love, you can have more to offer them than someone without HSV...

And don't forget you have to love yourself first....

I think once you get that part down.... You will not be afraid to let others love you...

Like your best friend.... Don't fail to take advantage of what best friends have to offer... And that is love...

Its time to tell your best friend. She will love you, you won't be alone with your secret anymore..... and she won't think you are dirty, etc...

And as far as guys.... A guy who loves you won't care... A guy who just wants to get laid and get goin... yeah... he might care... but NO guy who loves you will think any worse of you because you have HSV.

gotta run...

FHL,

nik

Answer:
MC said he's respond "briefly" :lol: A man with a voice - love that.

Bella sweat heart. I'm with you. I stayed hoping my x boyfriend who is emotionally unavailable for his own reasons - just because I was affraid of telling a possible partner. It was like being in jail.

I revived my self confidence here with the help of the lovely people who wote here before me. I have never been on an blind date let alone an internet daing site - but I took a shot. I just finished sending 8 E-mails telling prospective guys that I had met someone else that I'm very interested in. He is wonderful, treats me better than anyone ever has. (except my dad) Of course everything is still new, but the feeling that someone wants to be with you, and hearing him say "I can't wait to see you again" as he calls on his way home from your house - well I just couldn't live without that.

I'm not saying this is the best way. It was for me, because the fear of being rejected because of HSV was paralysing me. The people on the site have it too, have been there, understand, and in my opinion are better people for it. They are willing to take a chance to find a partner, and you never have to tell them your secret. They already approve of you.

God bless sweets. If this relationship only lasts another day it was worth it. I wish this feeling for all of us, and you feel free to write anytime you're feeling low - we are listening.

Answer:
Dear Bella,

Let me jump in with another male perspective-

I was also feeling pretty down, undesirable and unattractive following my induction into "the gang". Y'know, like no one would ever want to be with me and I would be socially ostracized/shunned for life...

But here's what I was told by a friend, and it really gave me some hope and made me feel much better. Hopefully, you'll feel the same way, too.

She told me, "In my life I've known good women, smart women, beautiful women who have been in love with alcoholics and intravenous drug users, men who lie to them and men who beat them. You have none of those problems...what you have is a skin infection. If you could fall for someone and look past their pimples, someone will be able to do the same for you."

Kind of puts things in perspective again, eh?

Answer:
She told me, "In my life I've known good women, smart women, beautiful women who have been in love with alcoholics and intravenous drug users, men who lie to them and men who beat them. You have none of those problems...what you have is a skin infection. If you could fall for someone and look past their pimples, someone will be able to do the same for you." True.

And..those women are very insecure about themselves, They don't know who they are and they don't know how to respect themselves. They have wrong idea about love, and no matter what their men do to them, they try to stick to their men. They are abusive to themselves.
Men who are abusive to their woman, are also insecure, and abusive to themselves.

It's a tragedy for both.
I know it, because I was one of those women.

But people who know who they are, and secure about themselves, know who is good and who is not. They can sense it, because unlike those insecure women, their eyes are not blindfold by insecurity. They know what is harmful and what is not. They know who really loves them and who doesn't.

When comparing to being beaten, herpes is nothing.
You don't even have to compare... When a woman find one of very few men who are truly wonderful, do you think this small blister called "herpes" matters to her...? :o No way.

And... since your friend said that to you, you must be a cool guy, bocephalus!! :D :wink: hehe..

Faith

Answer:
everyone who replied is so good. i know that sounds corny, but the fact that so many of you took the time to try to make me feel better really touched me.

To clarify, i am not afraid someone will not love me. i am actually upset because i feel i cannot date (and sleep with) people casually. I've always been protected and i respect myself, but after a long relationship, i was looking forward to casually dating again and this really put a damper on things.

that may sound shallow, but i'm yong (24) and newly single. i don't want to have to be in a "love" relationship to have sex. I would never ever not tell someone or have unprotected sex, but i feel cheated out of the fun carefree (but always protected) sexstyle I once had before being committed to someone for so long.

I'm very happy to be single now. but that doesn't mean i want to stop having sex. Does anyone else feel this way?

has anyone dated someone not seriously (knowing the relationship would not become a longterm commitment)and told them?

Again, thank you all for your love and support. this is all new for me and i'm still trying to understand how i get find the good in this situation.

Answer:
has anyone dated someone not seriously (knowing the relationship would not become a longterm commitment)and told them? Yes...

Once....

Told her I was absolutely positive that I could never see myself dating her. She already knew I had HSV because she was in my circle of friends, who ALL know, because I tell everyone, it doesn't bother me...

She said yeah, yeah, yeah, and she still wanted to have sex. So we did...

I didn't get anything from it... I could have masturbated and acheived the same result, and not had to deal with the emotional 'strings' that she developed.

I knew going in that even if she said she just wanted sex, that was not true... she wanted more, but if sex was all she could talk me into, she was willing to take that...

I felt bad, regardless of her knowing, and accepting the risk... You know how BAD I would feel giving it to someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never want to know that feeling....

So I realized it was a mistake, never did it again....

but i feel cheated out of the fun carefree (but always protected) sexstyle I once had before being committed to someone for so long. whoa whoa whoa... Sex was never fun and carefree... Maybe you THOUGHT it was, but it wasn't. People who don't know about HSV and other conditions may THINK its fun and carefree, but we all know that not to be true.

EVEN IF YOU DID NOT have HSV sex would not be 'fun and carefree' because someone you sleep with could have it.

I've found that if I'm horny... Best thing is just to wack-off....

Messing around with people you don't love just puts you farther away from being in a position to find the one you do.

Just my opinion though...

You gotta do what works for you.

Honestly... If you tell a guy, and he's willing to take the risk... Hey... Have fun... Y'all are adults, if you are honest, and he's willing... Go for it.

There's probably tons of guys who would still be EAGER for some good casual no-commitment sex.... Even knowing you have HSV...

Answer:
I concur completely with my midwestern brother! (Pilot - I used to live in Riverwest, right down the street from Fuel. Y'know where I'm talking about, aina'eh?)

Don't let the HSV thing hold you back from pursuing romantic relationships by any means. Knowing what you know now, well, it might keep some of those more "casual" relationships from becoming more intimate, but those that do become intimate will be that much more fulfilling. Before my diagnosis (about a year ago), I used to ask myself rhetorical questions along those lines: "If she disclosed that she had herpes/snored/picked her nose would I still want to be with her?" Sheesh...there are girls that I would have wanted to be with, even if they disclosed that they turned into a werewolf when the moon was full! (Kinda kinky, non?)

As far as meeting people who share our predicament, there are websites and such that have been very good to some people in our community (and she knows who I'm talking about, too...). I only wish that I had such good luck as her.

Good Luck!

bocephalus...was the name of Alexander the Great's horse