Question:
I just posted my experience with preparing to tell and telling under "HELP!..." below. I expressed that I am waist-deep in guilt and terror at the prospect of having possibly infected my new boyfriend. I'm in the waiting period now, it's been 3 days since our last encounter. I figure if he contracted it we'll know in another week or so, although I understand that he may have no reaction at all or one so subtle it may not catch his eye.

I wanted to follow up with some reflections a few hours later. Obviously, I have been obsessing, playing the "what-if" game, picturing him covered in sores, cursing me, the prospect that I am evil and have damaged the very person I love most...

I called a good friend of mine who knows us both and she kind of helped me put things in perspective. She reminded me that I told him, he took the risk knowingly, and what happens now is out of my control. I know this intellectually, but it's hard to get my heart to agree.

One other thing she said which struck me was that in coming to boards like these, we tend to meet others who are in great fear and anguish over the disease (understandably- don't get me wrong). The people - such as my friend and her husband, and another couple we know (she has it, her lover does not), who are living with Herpes without having it consume them, don't tend to come here.

That being said, I'll try to post what happens next, particularly if it can be added to the list of successful relationships that can occur even if one of us is a total pariah - lol.

Palomita

Answer:
I called a good friend of mine who knows us both and she kind of helped me put things in perspective. She reminded me that I told him, he took the risk knowingly, and what happens now is out of my control. I know this intellectually, but it's hard to get my heart to agree. Palomita,

Your friend is right.
He accepted the risk. That was his choice. There is nothing you can do about it. And you still don't know if what you had was outbreak instead of hemorrhoid (according to the other post), right? You are not sure about anything. That's why you feel fear like this......

Still I understand how you feel though. I think that it's very natural that you would feel terribly sad and upset if your partner get it from you.

But again, just like your friend said, he took the risk knowingly. To him, having unprotected sex must've been more important than the risk. To him, loving you with his own way must've been more important than the risk. What can you do about how he live his life? Of course, if YOU were not comfortable with it, you should've told, and insisted. But otherwise... you both are adult. You did tell him that you have herpes honestly.
Now probably... it's time for you to be ready for taking all the fact (result) from having love life like that. If you both are ready for that, there would be no problem.

One other thing she said which struck me was that in coming to boards like these, we tend to meet others who are in great fear and anguish over the disease (understandably- don't get me wrong). The people - such as my friend and her husband, and another couple we know (she has it, her lover does not), who are living with Herpes without having it consume them, don't tend to come here. Not that I was offended.. :-D (was I...? LOL hehehe..)

We all are in the process, the process to be a better person. Unless you are dead. LOL
There are many reasons that people come here ...
Everyone is at a different level in one's life, and you can't compare one's level to another's. Because we are different individuals, our lives are not comparable to others'. And because what one is trying to be is the next level of himself/herself. Not like catching up with someone else's life. It's impossible. :D

Everything in life is fluid. Nothing's solid and stay there as it is forever. People who felt happy and being with someone yesterday, may become alone and cry today. People who felt hopeless and cried yesterday, may find a great happiness and feel content today. While we are changing, some people come to group like this and talk, some come here to think about his/her life, some come here to make friends.... I don't see any downside in doing it,... do you...? :-)
In whatever you do, if you find something that makes you grow as a person... you're winner. Nothing is useless. Just like a Monk may learn something important in Christianity, just like a Christian may find some truth in Buddhism. If you loathe it and deny it, or if you listen to it and pick up the concept (center) of their message, and learn from it to extend your view.... It's up to you.......


Anyway, Palomita.......... no matter what happens, you did all you had to do. Be confident. Even if he got infected and now starts having a hard time, that's his fight with himself. But you've been there, you already experienced the agony and you know how you got to the place you are now from the despair. You can help him, even if he was infected. In that way, he doesn't have to go through hard time like you did. It wouldn't be a lonely fight for him. You can be there for him as someone who went through the same thing!! <smile>

Firstly, what you can do for him, is to make yourself completely happy about your life, including herpes.

Best wishes..

Faith

Answer:
Thanks, Faith

I re-read how I wrote my bit on perspectives and apologize if it came out sounding like I was down on this board! Au contraire! I was just trying to convey the sense of relief I got when I realized that often when people post they are often on the downswing, and that I should take that into account so that I don't end up with a skewed interpretation of what living with herpes is like on average. You're right - we're all on a journey of discovery and growth, and this is a great tool to have!

I am feeling a bit better having gotten out and spent time with people. I am now fairly sure this is an outbreak and am just trying to breathe deep and let time pass. Whatever happens happens, but I don't want to blow this relationship by my negative reaction if he is really as ok as he says with this... that would be true tragedy.

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words. - Palomita

Answer:
Just yesterday I posted how I was 95% better. But tonight we had a girls night- a slumber party. Guess what I'm at home already, didn't drink a thing. I use to be the life of the party. Drinking and laughing, telling jokes- having a good ole time.

As everyday gets better I know this will too. I'm afraid to drink a sip of alcohol because I've read that doing so will cause outbreaks. I don't know if it's true, I'm just really scared to put the beer to my mouth. I'm afraid that when I do I will either get a horrible outbreak the next day or cry easily.

But I come to this board because everyday is different for me as it is for everyone here I'm sure. Especially in the beggining stages. Sometimes you need a pick me up or maybe you can help someone else. I like coming on the board to hear stories about how others are dealing with it and living successfully as I hope to one day. By the way, I can't wait to see an update to the success story board. When I have my first beer can that be considered a success story? LOL

I also come here because it's not like I can go up to everyone on the street and say "do you have hsv, Now anyone that does?" Sometimes I just need to get anothers perspective.

Palomita, I can understand what your friend meant. I'm not at that place yet, not ready to be I guess. I'm glad I have a place to come and talk about how I'm feeling or read how someone is feeling the exact thing as me. You can always come here and talk and someone will know exactly how to answer you................especially Faith- gosh she's good!

So THANKS to everyone here.

Lovely

Answer:
Lovely,

Funny what you wrote about the beer. I am a recovering alcoholic and what I am going through right now is the only thing in sobriety that has ever caused me to want to drink. I drank heavily the first year I had it and I didn't have any ob's, but alcohol definitely played a part in the decision making process (or lack thereof) that caused me to get H.

Anyway, it's been a big struggle these last days to not check out chemically. I say if you're a normal drinker and can knock back one socially, have at it! Stress is one of the biggest contributors to ob's, right? lol Cheers. - Palomita

P.S. Maybe you need a good cry? I know I do.

Answer:
Lovely,

Thank you for your kind words, always........ <smile>

And, about alcohol... I don't know.. is it just me? or.... But I think alcohol can be a trigger for outbreaks!
I don't really drink, because I don't like the taste. (I used to drink a lot when I was young though.) Anyway, a few years ago, I met my best friend after 5 years, we went out to drink, then after that, I got terrible outbreak, very severe symptom that I ever experienced since the initial outbreak.
Since then I haven't even taken a sip of alcohol. 8)


And Palomita,

No no... don't apologize. You should write whatever you really feel.
Then we all can reply with whatever we really feel about what you wrote. <grin>

One thing that I like about this forum is.. this forum is open to everybody, you don't have to be a member to write posts. Besides, because of that, there are no peer pressure that many "groups" tend to have. So, people write whatever they feel freely here, and sometimes someone write a dreadfully negative post as anonymous, and leaves. LOL But... I sometimes find a truth in it. A truth and a true feeling that can happen to everyone and everyone's mind.

When you feel sad, you should face the sadness. When you have negative thought, you should admit that you have negative thoughts. If you cover it up and try to hide it from yourself, you'll never be able to move to the next level. You'll never be able to feel true strength, if you pretend not to see the sadness and try to act like that you are ok.

So... write it if you feel sad. It's a good opportunity for yourself, too. Cuz many times writing your thoughts helps you to know what's really happening in your mind. Crying, is also good. <smile>

Besides.... personally, I want to know all the downsides we can possibly get about herpes. And based on that, I want to know that herpes don't handicap us.

So... as long as I've got something to say about someone's negative opinion, I know that herpes CAN'T drag us down for sure. :wink:

Faith