Question:
I realize there have been a lot of posters here who have really, really been so sweet and supportive. I am truly happy for those of you who can move on in a shorter period of time.

I can see that a lot of you have a support system which some of us do not. It's difficult for me to sit and type on a keyboard and try to get my feelings out and expecting people to understand why I feel such despair. I have not had sex with anyone since the lying m'fing donor and would never in a million years allow it without disclosure. I'm not a slut, but I am an extremely sensitive and trusting person who thought I could get the truth when I asked the SOB! If I had a gun I'd find the bastard and blow his f..king brains out and then turn the gun on myself. But then it would be in the papers that I committed a homicide/suicide because the prick gave me herpes! That isn't exactly the way to keep my dirty little secret.

I'm giving the prozac a chance, I just started counseling, but I don't see at this point if that is really going to help me accept this. I take xanax because my anxiety level gets unbearable.

I know that those of you who have finally accepted this do not want to keep hearing this doom and gloom. It's not about self pity, it's about being betrayed which is something I could never do to anyone.

I'm sorry if you can't understand how I feel, but we each handle this differently. I realize this is my problem and only I can change things. I just don't know how to yet.

Answer:
You should know you are not alone I truely feel like life aint shit since this happened to me. I am making an appointment with a counselor next week. I have a 4 year old son and me being down and crying all the time is not good for him so I know I need help right now. I have a lot going on right now and it is hard to deal with. There have been times where I wanted to end my life but I think about my son and I cant leave him in this world alone, thats my little man and if it wasnt for him i dont think I would be here.

Answer:
Helied2me, I think I understand now. If you remember, I'm the one who gave you the 'pep' talk a while back that got you so riled up, but after reading this post, I realize that herpes isn't the only issue for you. It's about betrayal, and being hurt in a way you could never hurt someone else. It's hard to justify in your mind how someone could do that, and why they would do it to you when you did nothing to deserve it.

Unfortunately, we rarely get what we deserve. I'm not sure why that is, except to say that the sensitive, generous and trusting seem to be easy prey for the self-serving and callous. The alternative would be for the whole world to be populated by self-centered and selfish people, and that would be a horrible place to be.

Betrayal by someone we trust cuts deep. It leaves a wound that takes a long time to heal, but time will heal it. Be patient. And venting our negative feelings does help, so don't give up on the counseling. Another thing I've found helps when I can't get past being hurt about something is to write a letter to that person and say exactly what I'm feeling. You don't have to send it (actually not advisable), but just the act of putting your feelings down on paper validates them, and helps you put them behind you.

The virus is something you'll always have, but you can leave the bitterness behind if you choose to do so. You sound like a sensitive and caring person, one who brings softness and gentleness to this generally harsh world. But sensitve and caring does not equate with weak and vulnerable, and so I know you'll survive this, and thrive.

And you do actually have a support system, you know. You have all of us behind you as a support system. That's what we're here for. ;-)

Answer:
helied2me~

sounds like we both obtained this through liying a-holes. I, too, have fantasized of getting a gun and performing a homicide/suicide on the m-f'er. I've thought about where to get the gun, what time of day would be best, etc. I don't worry about people finding out that I have herpes because in my fantasy...

****The story goes national, (like the crazy diapered astronaut), and the nation is FORCED to look at herpes: how it's contracted even while using condoms; and the horrible stigma herpes patients endure, and the fact that most people HAVEN'T been tested and that a lot of carriers of the virus are asymptomatic, (imagine a TODAY show segment with the eloquent Meredith Vierra). After a slick MTV campaign, many young adults and teens go get tested for the virus. More accurate rates of infection of the population occur as a result. The nation is shocked that nearly 50% of US adults have HSV. The government is forced to release the vaccine. Years down the road it becomes un-politically-correct to mock herpes patients (like HIV); and people can't believe there was ever a time when the general public thought oral HSV was "just a cold sore". In this fantasy, my death (and the death of the deuche bag that gave it to me) lead to the elightenment of a nation.****

BACK TO REALITY --- that deuche bag is a father with a daughter. I could never take someone's father from them. And I'm sure that's true of all the dishonest, pieces of s--t that have f----d up our lives ~ that someone would miss/need them; and that the chain of f----d-up lives would only get bigger.

I totally agree with you. I think it's okay to be mad as hell. And I think it's okay to fantasize. Just make sure you're always able to get back to ground level. Good for you for seeking professional help. It's a big step in the right direction. And thanks for showing me it might be time for me to get back in some counseling sessions myself.

Best of luck to you! ~Belladonna

Answer:
I am trying really hard to cope but even after 2 months I have a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. I find myself walking from room to room up and down the stairs not knowing what to do with myself because i can't sit still.

I can't bear to watch a romantic scene let alone sit through an entire movie because I can never envision that intimacy in my future. I have thrown any chance of that away.

My counselor suggested the letter writing but I haven't done that yet because I can't possibbly understand how that can help. What's the difference if I write it down or say it in my head, which is constant?

I still try to think of ways to end it without anyone finding out why but I don't know if I could actually do it. I have two beautiful adult children who I never want to abandon, but the mental anguish is unbearable. Just when I started feeling more optimistic about the future this hit me. All of the highs I've had this year cannot overcome this low point that I am in now. Today is my birthday and it certainly is the worst ever. I couldn't enjoy Thanksgiving and now Christmas is coming. It's going to be a very rough time.

I don't post much, and I'm not one who likes to ask for help but I appreciate all of you trying because I know you're tired of trying to be nice and trying to help someone you feel isn't trying to help herself. My life is complicated right now in other areas that have nothing to do with gh and it makes it that much harder to come to terms with this. I hope that you can take it into consideration before telling me to "just get over it" I sense that some of you would just prefer to see me not post here. This isn't easy for me either, but thanks for your replys.

Answer:
I don't think you're "someone you feel isn't trying to help herself". You're going to counseling, you're on medication, and you're here expressing yourself. I'd say you're doing your best to try to help yourself. And you're absolutely right -- some people have a harder time dealing with this than others.

You sound so sad and depressed, but i'm confused a bit about WHY you're so depressed. There are many of us here who are LIVING examples that your love life can go on - why can't yours too? Obviously, HSV won't kill you, so the only part of your life it physically affects is your potential romantic life -- which CAN continue. I know the mental anguish of having HSV is horrible, but maybe if you can convince your head you're blowing it out of proportion, it would help you out a bit? I know i blew it out of proportion when i was first diagnosed - i thought i'd never be able to have a love life again, i'd have to join a convent or something, no one would ever understand. But that's just not true! Not only are there people who would be willing to accept you with this, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT A LIVE LIFE WHO HAVE IT JUST LIKE YOU! Imagine being able to date someone without having that awful conversation, because you know they have the same thing!!!!

Please don't stop writing just cause you think we want you to "get over it". This is a support group, and no matter how many times you bitch, you will always find someone to support you!

Answer:
Helied2me, Catiesmom is right. No one here wants you to disappear. In fact I want you to keep writing because as long as you're writing, I know you're still hanging in there. I'm confused though, too, about what it is that has you so down. If there's more to it than herpes, maybe you could explain that to us. I know life is complicated, and we all want to help if we can, but we're kind of guessing, I suppose, at what's going on with you. There's no need to be shy. No one here knows who you are, and there certainly isn't anything you could say that would shock any of us. Speaking just for myself, there isn't much anyone could confess to that I haven't already done myself, at least twice. ;)

As for writing the letter, you'd be surprised at how different it is to actually write it down than say it in your mind. I know it doesn't seem like there would be much benefit, but there usually is. It's worth a try, isn't it? You have nothing to lose except a little of your time.

You know, there have been times in my life when I felt so discouraged and hopeless that I didn't want to go on... didn't think I could go on. But there was always a reason to make myself do it, and all it takes is that one reason (no matter what it is) to hold you steady, and keep you from going over the edge. You have two reasons... your kids. If you can't be strong for yourself, you can be strong for them. I know that because I'm a mother, too, (teenage son) and I can be strong for him in ways that I could never be strong just for myself. You can too.

Keep writing. We're here.

Answer:
We care about you here and your experience is valid and important and we want to see you get through this and find your happy again.

Answer:
I am so afraid to reveal too much of my situation because of the hateful comments that are going to start coming at me but I cannot pretend that there aren't other factors that have got me so down and afraid of what lies ahead for me. I have read many of the comments where people have been very judgmental and I would deserve the same treatment on some level. So at the risk of putting myself in a deeper depression I guess I owe it to those of you who are trying to help.

I have been married for the past 24 1/2 years, my husband and I have been together over 28 years. I have been a homemaker for over 20 years and have no skills or higher education to be able to support myself. I thought that after the kids moved out on their own it would bring my husband and I closer. It seems we didn't really know each other all those years that I was raising our kids.

He's very thoughtful, never misses a birthday or anniversary and as far as I know he has never cheated on me. It wasn't til after the kids were on their own that I realized he doesn't like to discuss things that are of greater importance. He brought home the paycheck but I made sure the bills got paid. He would make decisions that were not in our best interest without even discussing them with me. Two years ago we decided to sell our home when the market was good and he expected to get more than he could and kept refusing to drop the price. He then contracted to build another home against my advice (after he asked for it) and now we are faced with not one but two foreclosures. He fought me every step of the way and refused to listen to me. There were so many small things over the years that he just wouldn't hear and ignored me then but I honestly never thought he was that hell bent on doing EVERYTHING his way.

Needless to say, we argued many times over the past few years and I lost most of those battles. I was feeling as if my every opnion didn't matter as he would just dismiss me most of the time. I was angry with him all the time and he didn't like me much either for being angry. I can't understand how someone so thoughtful about small things could be so irresponsible with what really mattered.

Soooo...my one night stand happened while I was out of town visiting family and I guess I just wanted to have some human touch with someone I wasn't so angry with. Isn't that ironic, I'll never get over being angry with my donor.

My husband and I haven't been intimate at least 3 months before I went out of town and I guess by now you're wondering if I gave it to him. NO,I did not, I will not and with all the pressure he is under right now over his bad decisions not only do I fear what it will do to him but I also fear what he might do to me. Aside from making me a homeless person, he is known to keep things bottled up until he explodes and I have been on the receiving end of that and I'm falling apart trying to keep it to myself until the holidays are over at least.

I have really fucked things up worse than they already were and that is why I can't live with it. I deserve what I get.