Question:
I refuse to have a breakdown about this, I've already had 2 from moving and being broken up with. All I did with my first breakdown besides yelling and crying was throw a small table and some plates, but with breakup one I destroyed half my stuff and barely stopped short of hurting myself. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of how my anger manifested itself so easily last time, and how good I felt when I got carried away with it. Now that I found out that the man who just doesn't love me back anymore gave me herpes, I get to think of him every single day, and in the worst and most painful ways possible.

There ought to be a 'you break it, you buy it' policy when it comes to std spreading. Forget the fact that I'm an extremely sexual person and now my sex life is forever dependent on whether or not my 'paper cut in a bad place' shows up, now I just don't see what guy in his right mind would want to get involved with someone that could spread a lifelong crotch itch problem and a Valtrex bill.

I'm 25 and I've only been with two people, I've always protected myself, I've always been the good girl, all I've ever wanted was to have a family. Now I feel like it's all over. Not like life is over, but the life I always wanted is over.

I don't even see how I could be effective in educating anyone and explain that use of condoms and washing right after could protect them from it... I used a f*ing condom and washed immediately after too, and my ex never even knew he had herpes and hadn't even had (and to my knowledge still has not) had an OB. I've always had great luck. I'm buying me a power ball ticket today, I do great against the odds it seems.

At some point when I first found out, I was so depressed that I had a knot in my chest and had trouble breathing, and the only person I wanted to talk to was my ex. He couldn't even be troubled to give me a half an hour, when everything that's weighing down on me right now happened directly for or because OF him. Who the hell apologizes deeply twice, says they hope I can forgive them, and then doesn't even find time to talk to the person they gave a f*ing std to?

I just wish I had a rewind button. I was so happy this time last year.

I'm sorry, but this rant isn't gonna have a positive spin at the end. There's no way I can fake that right now without another shopping spree, and the printer is out of green ink at this point.

I know the easiest way to has out my feelings is to have a breakdown about it and throw a thing or two, watch some sad movies, etc, but I'm honestly afraid I'd hurt myself or break something extremely expensive. I'm very good at keeping myself from raging now, but I'm getting worse at controlling myself whenever I do get to that point.

Answer:
Is there anyone you would ever feel comfortable talking about this to anyone, other than the ex? If you ever do feel comfortable talking to someone you know and feel they will keep this secret then it is the best thing you can do because it lets you vent, have someone listen and hopefully if they are a decent human being, they will be able to empathize with you about everything you are going through. I am very close in age to you and i have never had a day without some symptoms or cuts, or weird redness/rash etc. in over 2 straight years since being diagnosed with this......some days I used to think about suicide( a place pre H i would have never considered in a million years....thinking it was selfish and horrible), other days i see the beauty that exists aside from this body hell i feel i am in....i have tried a lot of alternative things, cant tolerate valtrex at all....and feel i will never lead a normal life because having herpes is bad enough and having to think about the future telling someone is scary but if you get herpes outbreaks like a normal person then there is a lot of time in between without symptoms and it is easier to tell a potential partners you have herpes and get outbreaks sometimes, but it is unthinkable to expect anyone would want to be with someone who says "hey, I have herpes and for some reason it is always on my skin and never will go away for longer than a day, so do you want to date? its a guarantee you will get it"

so imagine how horrible my predicament is.....i am not in any way making light of your situation. I also acquired this 3 years into a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend who never had a symptom and never knew it was even a possiblity that he could have been carrying it. I have not slept with a lot of people at all either and have only had 2 serious boyfriends in my life....one when i was aged 17-20 and then aged 20 to current, with the one who gave this to me. So i feel your pain about odds and how unfair it is....but you will find you are not alone and most people on this board are people who feel so slighted that this happened to them because they thought they were careful. It just goes to show herpes does not discriminate and all those "high risk" types of people and behaviors people associate negatively with herpes does not speak for a large majority of the people who actually have herpes....it is a horrible stigma and misconception that there are a certain "type" of people who get herpes.....anyone who has sexual contact, even one time, can get it.

Anyhow, after my long post so far, which started with a point.....got lost along the way about explaining my own situation....

:) my point finally, is that as hard as it seems and while it takes a long time to adjust to not being able to lead the "idea" of the life you always wanted (one of the hardest things for me to accept as well) is that no matter how bad it seems, in time things will get a little better and your life will unfold how it was meant to.....and yes it will not be the life you always imagined but if you have some hope left in your heart I truly believe in the end you will live a good life...just a little different, with a few more obstacles than you originally had always pictured. We are young, perhaps that is why this is even harder on people like us, but there is a whole world of life outside waiting for us in a million other non sexual ways to focus on until our life naturally takes the turn and time when we are mentally and physically ready to venture into the future world of dating(and yes I truly believe in the future, once you have accepted this, and moved on a bit, that you wil find someone who will accept and love you no matter what)

I hope that me telling you about my severiity and horribly bizarre way that my life and symptoms have been since getting this can show you that it is possible to make it through day by day even when facing such horrible circumstances....i am still here afterall, though many times i was not sure i would be....but my point is that even with this shit on my body EVERY single day of my life and no one person/doctor being able to tell me why or explain it, i am now at a point where i am accepting of it, wish it was different, but am not ready to give up on life because i am faced with this extreme challenge.....its taken me 2 and a half years to get to this point. There is too much i want to do on this earth, in this life and while it is the hardest, most trying thing to live with herpes the way i experience it, i have decided i will live to the best of my ability and work with what positives i do have. I see a naturopathic doctor who has helped me wonderfully with a remedy for depression and anxiety from having this, which got me out of my darkest suicidal days of my life last winter when i just felt i did not have the will to live anymore like this....and i am so thankful i tried one last thing and it showed me some sunlight. I now have hope and want you to know there are peope out here who understand...and if you ever want to talk private message me anytime....i check this every few days. I am here and it might help to talk to me since we are so close in age and understand what it is like living today our ages.

Answer:
Wow, your post has really inspired me. i am as well in my early 20's (23) I have the same feelings as you do about this. Everyday I try to just cope with what life has brought my way (Hsv), and everyday I do not give up! I keep trying to do what ever I can to make this situation in my life better and for some reason I have never given up hope to fight this awful condition, hope is what keeps me happy and keeps me going everyday. Hope and everyone on this forum is what keeps from feeling ashamed everyday.