Question:
When I was younger I was a huge christian. I always went to church and was baptized. When I was in 5th grade I began slipping away from God and got raped at a summer camp I attended. Luckily I had repressed memories about it and continued to have a normal life until I was 14. (I began doing sexual things with my boyfriend that brought back those memories) I had always had problems "down there" since I was about 11 but never thought anything of it, I just thought it was puberty. When I began remembering the rape and was diagnosed with Herpes 2 I became a cutter and tried to commit suicide. Now I am 19 and although that seems young I have always felt and acted much older than I am (because of my past). Im scared I am never going to find a husband and never be able to have children naturally because of what happened. I feel like because I pulled away from God and tried to take the life he gave me.. I will never find true happiness in the things I want.

Answer:
Katie, I'm not a religious person anymore, but I once was, and I think I understand what you're trying to say. When things go wrong in my life, I sometimes entertain the idea that I'm being punished for something I've done, but I don't really believe that. Quite frankly, if there is a God, I don't think he's paying that much attention to the details of our individual lives.

I think that more important than seeking God's forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself, accept that the past is behind you, and find a way to move on without it encumbering you. Coming to terms with what happened, including the rape and the self-destructive tendencies that followed, may require some sort of counseling to guide you through the process. It's difficult to move forward, though, when we're dragging the past with us like a ball and chain.

The things you fear, like not finding a husband and having a family, are things we all fear. It's human. No one wants to be alone. But you're only 19, and you have years to discover that your future will unfold perfectly, in it's own time, if you just let it.

No matter what paths we choose in life, there are bound to be setbacks and trials. We all experience our own hurts and suffer our own failures, but the consequences are not punishment from God. They're the results of our own moments of weakness, our own mistakes, or sometimes just random circumstance. Life doesn't come with any guarantee that's it's going to be easy, but it does have it's rewards, and they make it oh so worth living. You'll find that out. Just give it time.