Question:
That is how I feel and I'm not letting it go past into religion and faith because this has never helped me cope with anything important like this virus. It has changed my life so much all I want to do is hole up and just forget the world. I've even considered going off and leaving my life behind but to what end? I can't afford it. I'm not rich and feel like people are all against me. They are. I've done things that have become a problem in the current time all because I can't find a good therapist that will help me without judging me too much. I'm being judged all over the place for reasons not related to my disease and this just makes matters worse. If there was a cure I believed in I'd go for it. I've been warned away from all the snake oil makers by my doctor so what else is there? I feel so damn helpless and useless against my feelings. They are overwhelming me most of the time. Out of control other times. What I really feel is the bite or reality and the death of fantasy and pleasure. There is none of that now! I feel like I died and went to hell before my own demise. I don't want this thing. The only pleasure I have of a sensual nature is food. Now my waistline is having a field day and the doctor is saying I need to lose a few lbs.. I agree, but what else do I have now??? I have only 30-40 possible years to see through with this. Nothing, in other words! Nothing........................ done ranting now.

Answer:
Brucie, I'm not sure what I could say to you that would be of any value, but after reading your post, I felt moved to respond and at least let you know that I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty.

I once read in one of your past posts that your kids are college grads, so that must make us of a like age. I always thought that by the time I reached this stage of maturity, life would have ironed itself out to a smooth finish, but no. Instead, I'd have to liken it to one of those pages in a book that has the wrinkle running down the middle of the page that obscures several words on each line. You know the ones I mean... you read along smoothly for a short time, then you have to keep straightening out the page to read the words. It gets tiresome, but if you don't want to lose the meaning, it's a process you have to go through.

For most of my life, I strived for the acceptance and approval of others, people I didn't even know, and who didn't know me, or what motivated me, or what I felt or cared about. Then, one day years ago, I was standing in the check-out line at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new hair cut, and I was thrilled with it. For the first time in a long time, I really liked the way my hair looked. In front of me, checking out, was a 30ish woman with a little girl. Out of the blue, this little girl turned to me and said "My mommy doesn't like your hair." The woman looked at her daughter as if the child's head had suddenly started spinning around and the voice of the devil had erupted from her mouth, and then she looked at me, absolutely mortified in her embarrassment. I just busted out laughing.

I know that's a stupid story, but I think we all learned something that day. I came away with the realization that it doesn't matter what other people think about me (or my hair), or who I am. The only ones whose expectations I have to live up to are my own, and the few people who love and depend on me. The rest of the world can kiss my ass.

The only thing any of us can ever hope to acheive perfection at, is to be perfectly ourselves. Warts, faults, shortcomings (and herpes) notwithstanding, we are absolutely and unequivically perfect in that respect. Love yourself, Brucie. Love yourself for all the good things about you, that far outweigh the imperfections, I'm sure. And as for the rest of the world, well, they can kiss your ass, too.

Answer:
Thanks so much for the encouraging words, writercll. I do appreciate that you responded at all, as I fully did not expect any from anyone here. My last post is lost which was about two months ago. I had given up trying to deal with my herpes in this way but now have other feelings. Feelings are temporary, indeed, and do change daily. I'd love to say, kiss my a** to quite a few people but, alas, they have the upper hand it seems. My life is not ordinary in some ways and I can't deal with as another would think I ought to just because of this. I have other psych problems that interfere with how I perceive the world and people and myself, so it's harder than normal for me to express much less deal with it.

I do thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words..............