Question:
Ok,

So I am new to all this I found out I was infected about 4 months ago to HSV2. I met this older woman, she's pretty cool. Anyhow, we just met a few weeks back and have been kissing and such. We went out and got a little slobber nockered last night.

We came back and went to go to sleep, next thing you know she is naked and grinding on top of me. Now it is important to note I am in boxer briefs and Jeans (zipped and buttoned) at this point but she is completely naked. Jeans are very uncomfortable to sleep in, but I wanted the barrier between us, plus it would help keep my urges down to do more than just lay next to her. This went on for a few minutes then I realized this probably wasn't a good idea especially since I wasn feeling like I may have an outbreak coming on and stopped her after a few minutes.

I feel just terrible; I figured I would tell her about my HSV in due time as we've only known eachother for a few weeks. Today I now have signs of an OB and I'm terrified that I may have given her this awful thing. Is she at risk?

Part of me feels like because I let it get this far she might get very angry with me when I tell her now as she may be at risk of the virus??? Damn it!!! I just feel horrible; she is sooo nice and if I gave her this I may never be able to forgive myself. Can anyone give me any information on this or help me PLEASE!!!

Answer:
Yeah, sounds like she took advantage of you. I don't know that I want to invoke the "R" word but how can you hold yourself responsible for her behavior.

I know that you say you're into her etc. but . . .

Consent is about two adults agreeing to participate. You being asleep doesn't constitute consent. If you were awake and consenting I am sure you'd have told her the risks but had full intercourse occurred she would have removed that option.

To ease your mind you say you had boxers and jeans on at the time so how could she have become infected?

Answer:
Caliope,

Thank you so much for your response. I may not have been clear in my description of the events. I went back to her place to fall asleep, and we were kissing and stuff, then I heard a snap and she had taken off her underwear; and she was on top of me, straddeling naked; I was awake.

I didn't know if herpes can pass through clothing if there was a lot of friction in the area or not. Plus I did start to finger her at one point, but stopped, I have never shown any signs on my hands and wash my hands like a freak, but I am naturally a nervous guy so I'm not sure if there is a real risk there or not. I guess I'm just worried about her getting this from me somehow, but it sounds like the chances are very remote.

I figured most women would wonder why I would sleep in jeans as this is the second time I have spent the night and both times I was in my jeans, but the first time we just kissed and she kept her clothes on and it was nice. I'm really feeling down on myself right now; this is probably a worse feeling than when I got this damn thing. I need to become a priest or only date other positive women I think; I can't deal with this; I can't eat or sleep... I really would appreciate everyone's help right now the next 10 days are going to be hell for me.

Answer:
Right now I am riddled with guilt; if I stay with her and look to continue the relationship I obviously need to tell her, but I really don't know if I can date a non H girl, it is just too hard on me mentally whether they know the consequences or not at this stage in my life. I will probably just wait and see how I feel in a few days on this.

If we end things does it still make sense for me to tell her? She knows most of my friends so if I don't need to I would rather not, and I don't want her to worry if it really isn't a a reason for her to worry. I'm soo stupid; what would you do?

Answer:
I wish I could say something to get you to be a little easier on yourself.

Personally, I don't think you need to tell her until you are sure you want to sexualize the relationship. It may be a good idea to let her know you enjoy spending time together but you don't care to rush into sex. That would let her know you enjoy being together but sex isn't in the picture yet. Nothing good comes from being rushed.

Take time to settle in with your new way of dating/living. Maybe it's too soon for you to feel comfortable dating at all right now?
It's okay to take as much time as you need to feel solid in your decissions. Don't let anyone rush you.

Answer:
Shayna,

I appreciate your kind words on this. I am very new to all of this, and in the past I always had a girlfriend. I don't do all that well being single and like having someone special in my life. I think you are right though, it seems to be in my best interests at this point to take a step back until I get more comfortable with my situation. Nothing is worth feeling how I feel right now.

I'm still going to be concerned that somehow I gave this to her from our fooling around, but from what everyone's said underwear and jeans seem to be a legitimate barrier to protect her. She probably has a 1 in 3 chance or so of already having type 2 based on her age and sexual past already so who knows. I just couldn't live with myself if she gets infected...

Answer:
From your description, i don't think you have much to worry about.

But what i really wanted to say is that there are dating sites for people with H. If you're ready to date, but not ready to take a chance with someone who is not HSV positive, you might consider starting there. At least you could ease your way into it. I believe one of the links on the left list HSV dating sites.

Good luck!

Answer:
Thank you for the feedback. Yeah I am already looking into that as a viable option. I can't trust women to keep their clothes on if I spend the night, and I don't have the confidence to tell them to put them back on; I am angry at myself for putting myself and her in a situation where we were only my pants coming off away from serious risk.

I hope nothing comes from this, and I can just use it as a learning experience for how not to put myself or someone else in a bad situation. I am probably not quite ready to disclose this to a new non-positive partner, and even more not ready to have sex with H negative person even if they know. Right now I will give the H dating sites a try; I am such a better person than this and really hate the fact that I have to worry about having any chance of infecting someone else.

I remember just a several months ago I had monogomous realationship with a g/f of many years, we were talking about marriage, I was H-, and I had nothing but good things on my horizon.

Now I am single, H+, afraid to have infected someone else, have an OB, I am disgusted with myself for this situation, I have to watch the types of food I eat, and really am a little lost for the first time in a long-time.

Anyhow, I really appreciate everyone alleviating some of my fears. I know to some degree they may be overly paraniod, but hey that's part of who I am.

Answer:
You sound like such a great guy! It sounds like any female, H+ or H-, would be very lucky to have you in her life. If I wasn't married, I'd have the same fears and concerns you mention. Good luck and let me know if you ever need to talk.