Question:
I was diagnosed with genital herpes based on visual inspection 7 years ago. I have had no outbreaks for three years and take Valtrex. I had not actually had any sexual relationships with anyone except the person who originally gave it to me, until recently when I became involved with a new person.

Although I had planned to discuss my herpes with him, our initial sexual contact occured sooner than I had expected, and I ended up having oral sex with him before I told him I had herpes, which I did tell him before we had actual intercourse. I never managed to give him my well-rehearsed explanation, because under pressure I had to make sure he knew and could decide whether he wanted to take the risk of having intercourse (with a condom of course). That became a moot point, though, because he was furious that I hadn't told him previously. Which of course he is right about - I should have discussed it before we had any sexual contact.

Here's my question - what is the liklihood of conveying genital herpes though oral contact, if you are not having an outbreak? My almost-parter immediately contacted his doctor, who told him that he can get herpes though oral contact, and that there is no way to be sure that it didn't happen, since I could not know if I was shedding. He was not reassured when I explained that if that had happened, he would only have the virus orally. Of course I shouldn't say "only" - having oral herpes is still a problem. Although it has not been a full day since contact, he says he already sees a cold sore developing on his lip. He feels that I deliberately lied to him by not discussing it sooner, and that I have probably ruined his life. And of course he never wants to see me again.

I tried to encourage him to get more information, but most authoritative sources simply make the case that you can't ever be sure that you are not getting the virus if you have any kind of contact with an infected person. But none of the sources he has looked at indicate the actual likelihood of transmission. Or the practical effects on a male if they contract herpes orally. I'd like to give him a sense of perspective, and get a little more information for myself on what is safe behavior, if there is any at all. Does anyone have any information they can give me, or a source to recommend?

Answer:
I am not a doctor here, and do not know much about transmission ratios etc, however it is very possible to give someone herpes from oral sex. Herpes is transmitted by skin to skin contact, and it CAN be passed even if you are not "showing" any sores or outbreak.

However, on the flipside of this...look at how many people have various forms of herpes and it is NOT transmitted. Shit, damn near everyone in the United States has Herpes Simplex 1 and they hide it under the delusional guise of "oh I get coldsores or a fever blister"....whatever schmucks, it is herpes! At the same time, so many people smooch one another and there are many folks who do NOT get coldsores!

I have gotten coldsores since I was a kid. I have smooched many people and they don't get coldsores. (when I got to the smooching age, I kinda knew what the signs were for getting one and just abstained from all smooching and later on abstained from oral sex!) So I think there are many nervous nellies out there who will say that you can get it so easily, but I am wondering just how easy it is...otherwise everyone in the world would have herpes and lets face it...they don't!

(I also don't buy that SO many people are asymptomatic as well....I think they are delusional, but that is a whole different rant!because if that was the case, then the whole world really WOULD HAVE HERPES! )

I suspect that this guy is being paranoid and scared. Rightfully so, you should have been honest with him, but I think he is freaking himself out. Tell him to stay calm and not to stress out...that is not helping matters and if you have had herpes for many years, you know the symptoms and chances are you were not prodommal or shedding. Hopefully he is just stressing himself out into thinking a cold sore is popping up there, and it is not.