Question:
I had just started a new relationship when I found out that I had Herpes. A few weeks before I started seeing my boyfriend, I went in for my annual physical which includes getting tested for HIV. This is something that I always do. When I went in, my doctor told me of a new procedure that could test you for anything under the sun--I thought, what the heck, sign me up. I was not worried that I had anything, but just the thought of actually knowing was satisfying. My boyfriend and I had started dating a some weeks prior to my taking these tests. My HIV test came back negative so, I thought that it was ok to go ahead and be intimate with him. It wasn't until a week later that I found out about the Herpes. Its needless to say that I felt as if my world had come to an end. I did not know what to do. Once I left the doctor's office and I was in my car, I made 2 phone calls--one to my ex and one to my best friend. I informed my ex that he needed to get tested immediately. I knew that I had it. I just don't know how long I've had it. The next day, I told my new boyfriend of what I had found out. He was upset but told me that he had a lot of respect for me and that he did not believe that I intentionally did anything wrong or that I was dishonest with him.

A few days later he invited me to his home and told me that we would make it through this thing together. He embrassed me and we even continued to be intimate. Five months have passed and we were on the phone talking about my brother's step daughter who had been admitted to the emergency room complaining of severe cramps. They found out that she had contracted gonorreha and some other STD. I made the comment that although I don't wish an STD on anyone, at least she has sonething that is both treatable and cureable. Unlike me, what I have cannot be cured.

My boyfriend went on to tell me that he had forgotten all about this issue. He told me that when he first went to get tested that they told him that if he had had herpes that he would know. In essence, they did not test him, which I did not know until this conversation. I told him that I didn't know that I had it and that the person who gave it to me did not know that he had it. I told him that I had talked to my ex about a month and a half ago and he had told me that his test came back positive for herpes. My boyfriend was livid. He couldn't believe that I did not call him to tell him of this. I told him that I did not see the relevance in telling him. If I told you that I have it, it had to come from somewhere because I was not born with it. I guess that this now makes it true. I told him that I was honest about it all, and that I had left the decision up to him as to whether or not he wanted to continue seeing me the way that we had been. When he embraced me and continued to be intimate with me, I thought that he had accepted me and what I had. He told me that he never accepted it. Now, I'm confused. He is one who always says that people can say anything that you have to watch thier hands and thier feet. Well, his actions towards me after I first told him about it told me that he wanted to continue in this relationship. A day after our heated discussion, he called me back and said that he had been angry and upset and that he still loved me. He told me that he had been waiting for symptoms to show up and when they didn't he had put the whole thing in the back of his mind. I don't want him to have this thing. I don't know if our relationship can survive it, whether he does or does not have it. A part of me feels like never dating again. I just don't know what to do. Here I have someone who knew my condition, told me that he was inlove with me, and treated me no differently from before I told him about my condition. I just feel like packing up and literally moving out of the state, and starting over, and just keeping to myself......

Answer:
I talked with my boyfriend this morning. He told me that he got his test results back and that he has herpes. All I could do was to just keep saying that I am so sorry. He keeps saying that for all we know, this is something that he could have already had because this is not something that they normally test people for. All I keep saying is that it was enough just knowing that I had it. I feel so much like a dirty person--that I am truly bad luck. I just want to help him as much as I can. :cry:

Answer:
Hey Jayc,
your bf is right, for all you know, he could have had it way before he met you. lots of people are carriers and don't even know it. You cannot blame yourself here, you did the right thing and were honest with him from the beginning. He made the choice. just because he "forgot" about the whole issue doesn't mean he didn't make the conscious choice to take the risk, you had told him, afterall. There's no way to know who he got it from, so don't stress about it. If neither of you have symptoms, consider yourself lucky. Most people that don't have symptoms don't know they have it and just continue to spread it. So you have knowledge on your side, plus the absence of some nuisance outbreaks. :wink: don't beat yourself up over it. you were honest with him and that's all you can do.

Answer:
Thanks cindylouwho. I just got off the phone with him. He's going through the emotions that I went through when I was first diagnosed. He says that he feels like he isn't worth shit. He says that if things don't work out for us, he doesn't know how he could present himself to another woman. I just think that I am going to let him have his space for a while. There are issues that I am dealing with with regards to our relationship because nothing is what I thought it was. I hope that in time he will be able to accept this, educated himself about it as much as possible, realize that he can lead a normal life, and that this by no means defines who he is.

Answer:
I am not doing so well right now. I feel as though I have ruined this man's life. In all honesty if there were but one cure, I would give it to him and just live with this thing for the rest of my life. He says that he doesn't blame me but like I said, nothing with him is what it seems. He used to tell me how lucky and blessed he was to have met me. Now, I'm sure that he wishes that our paths had never crossed. All I know how to do is to just keep moving forward. I don't know how to stay down when life knocks me down. I called him this morning and I am sure that he was sitting at his desk and just did not want to answer the phone. I think that I am going to stop calling and just let things be. I've already been where he is at. I don't think that he will ever be the same person that he was before this. So, when I say that I feel as though I have destroyed this person, I truly believe that I have.

Answer:
:cry:

maybe you should recommend a site like this for him to seek some info and support.

Jayc, you did not knowingly infect him. You can't blame yourself.
I wish there was something I could say to alleviate the guilt you're feeling!!

Answer:
cindylouwho, I know that I did not knowingly infect him. Its just that now that he has it, he's asking me the same questions that he asked me when I first told him about my diagnosis. I got upset because it dawned on me--this man was not really listening to me 4 months ago, so in reality, he did not really make an informed decision when he continued to see me intimately. This is an extremely intelligent man whom I admire greatly. He is well read in many subjects and knows a little bit about many things. I just cannot believe that he did not fully listen to my words four months ago--I have herpes. It is a sexually transmitted disease. There is no cure. It is not a death sentence. You can treat it and continue to have a normal life--including sex. I am of a lucky few who know that they have it. Millions are walking around with this std and do not know that they have it. You could possibly get this from me. You could have already had it yourself and not know. Please tell me, did I leave anything out?

Answer:
sounds like you covered it all very thoroughly! sometimes people just hear what they want to hear.