Question:
I recently started dating someone at the beginning of JUNE and I never would've thought I'd still be dating him now. However, last Tuesday and yesterday we had sex! I really, really like him and I just don't know how to approach the whole BIG talk! I'm on Valtrex and that's working great. I haven't had a single outbreak since I started taking that...but I'm unsure about relaying info like, "Hey, I have herpes..." especially when you don't want that person to spread that information to others.

I don't know what to do! He's a great guy and I feel so bad for having had sex with him and not telling him already! But my ex- gave me the disease and I'm having a hard time even opening my heart to him because I'm still so hurt by it all! There are times when I cry myself to sleep because I feel so betrayed!

Please...somebody, tell me something good!:cry:

Answer:
I'd love to say something good about this but . . .

You do know that even Valtrex and condoms aren't 100% effective against transmitting herpes even if you aren't having any ob's right? They reduce transmission but they don't guarantee against it.

I know you feel betrayed by your ex but what will this guy think if he now has hsv because you didn't tell him the risk? I would have had the big talk earlier.

I suppose you can still have a conversation where you discuss how he feels about the relationship and see if he is in for the long haul and then you can discuss std's and ask him about his status but inevitably you're going to have to let him know that you've already exposed him to this and he should get tested.

Answer:
i know how you feel, ive recently met a new partner and i also have had sex without telling him i have herpes. But you know what im going to have too at some point. If he judges me, then im going to walk away. This disease is just a horrible skin condition that can flare up from time to time. If he is the one then he will understand, ive had this for 20yrs and havnt passed it on to anyone cause im careful. The stigma of herpes is horrible but hey anyone can get an std. I think thats the message i want to get over to my partner. Im abstaining from sex just now because i have an outbreak, i get a bit down and anxious when i have an outbreak but i know it will end and then i can get back to being myself again. sometimes, this disease has a nasty habit of reminding you that its still there. Hope ive made you feel a bit better.

Answer:
I'd love to say something good about this but . . .

You do know that even Valtrex and condoms aren't 100% effective against transmitting herpes even if you aren't having any ob's right? They reduce transmission but they don't guarantee against it.

I know you feel betrayed by your ex but what will this guy think if he now has hsv because you didn't tell him the risk? I would have had the big talk earlier.

I suppose you can still have a conversation where you discuss how he feels about the relationship and see if he is in for the long haul and then you can discuss std's and ask him about his status but inevitably you're going to have to let him know that you've already exposed him to this and he should get tested. You're very right! I think today I felt even more guilty b/c he told me last night how much fun he has with me & how much we make each other laugh. He kisses me goodnight....and now I'm thinking to myself, well once you find out the BIG NEWS, you're gonna run for the hills! I feel so bad. I feel just as stupid and I've been beating myself up pretty bad these past couple of days....
I just feel like I need to tell him very soon! But what do I say, "Hey I have herpes! Did you catch that Redskins game the other day?" That's how I want it to roll off in my head, but I know that would be in a perfect UTOPIA...And he'd say, "Oh baby that's okay! Go Redskins!" I'm sorry, but I have to make myself laugh from time to time. I've been down depression highway and I'm not trying to go down that road again!
Needless to say, I'm abstaining from sex. I'm going to tell him. I thought of a way to tell him and I'm thinking of saying, "I can't have sex with you anymore because I have herpes!" Sweet. Straight to the point! Then I'll run for the hills and won't look back!

Answer:
I am pretty shocked and disappointed that two members, in this thread alone, have had sex knowing you have herpes and neither one of you told your partners. I am appalled actually. What if one of your partners was my son or daughter, or, better yet, somebody did that to your son or daughter? I know, I know, somebody already did it to you. Join the club. Two wrongs do not make a right. That was so very unfair of both of you and very selfish. I am glad that you feel guilty.

Answer:
I'm new and all but I'd like to offer up some advice. I didn't know what I had herpes when I was sleeping with my boyfriend. But when I found out I still had to tell him. I freaked out alone until the test results came back. Cried my eyes out over the loss of my perfectly blissful relationship and cursed myself for losing the perfect man because of my own supidity. Basically making myself more miserable then I have ever been. I told him and immediately felt better. granted our circumstances are not entirely the same, but communication is the key. How can you have a relationship with this guy you are so afraid to lose if you can't talk to him about something as important as your health.... as his health.

You need to tell him. Men can suprise you. Granted you have gone about this all wrong. You should have told him first. But you can't just go on not saying anything. The betrayal gets bigger and bigger the longer you wait. And you'll feel so much better.

Also I read in an earlier post someone said that they start off with a statement like "I have a condition"... as opposed to "I have herpes"... I think that is a good opener... just a suggestion.

Tell him, deal with the repercussions, learn from it, and don't make the same mistake again! You can do it! You're stronger than you think!

Answer:
artsy and bluefrog,

I absolutely believe in disclosure and not allowing contact without making sure the other party is fully aware of the risks.

I also believe that once you've participated in this forum, for a while, it should be evident that the majority of us advocate disclosure before contact. Many of us get outright angry about the lack of disclosure because we were duped by someone who knew their status and failed to inform us and we now suffer for this. It can destroy lives.

Usually a newby who is not well informed will realize quickly that this virus is not something we want to share with others and come to the knowledge that this virus is spreading because people just don't know how to disclose their status, never knew they should disclose their status or simply are too scared to see the implications of having sex without telling partners up front. For that I give a little bit of consideration but two wrongs never add up to a right.

My opinion is that if you have hsv you may want to forget about casual sex. It is not something that people who participate in casual sex want to deal with. If you are going to go there you better get very good at asking about the std status of your partners and telling them you have hsv right away. You are both at risk and people lie.

If you are going to pursue a relationship with someone you genuinely care about the best way to disclose is to ask them first if they are genuinely interested in a relationship with you and if you are both on the same page and it looks like it could go somewhere you will have better luck disclosing your status because there is some level of caring already developed. Of course with any relationship, even without an std in the mix, people decide they don't want to be serious or take certain risks.

I hope that everyone who reads this makes it a point to disclose their status before they endanger someone else's health. Like bluefrog said if this was to happen to my son or my daughter I'd be outright furious with you.

Answer:
did you mean artsy and honeybee? I have not had sex with anybody since being diagnosed, nor would I without telling first. BTW, great post Caliope.:)

Answer:
I think the first post just highlights the fact that to have sex and not tell, just makes a difficult situation a MILLION times worse.

Now you've got to tell him you've got herpes, and that you can't be trusted.:rolleyes:

But I don't think you need us to point any of this out to you, I think you feel bad enough as it is. :(