Question:
I'll give you the shortest run down of whats goin on. I've been datin my girlfriend for almost 10 months now. i've known her and dated on and off for almost 2 years. We both have HSV-2, we dont know who gave it to whom but i think i may have given it to her. We were both diagnosed in mid July and have had a somewhat hard time dealing with it.

What i feel is hurting the relationship the most is that she broke up with me a week before we were supposed to move in together. It was because of dumb arguments and in the end she appologized and we got back together. But what has really bothered me is that i dont think i've gotten over it. I told her that it made me feel alot different and i dont think it has changed. I just cant get that uncontrollable love back. I would do anything for her and now i feel like whatever.

For example today i sat in my car in a parking lot for 2 hours while she applied for a job at a bar. I thought it would be a quick 30 min thing but it wasnt. Then she tells me she is going to were a skimpy outfit which basicall is the shortest skirt you can think of and a wife beater. I trust her but i am a jealous bf. I dont like the fact that she doesnt care what i think after i told her i feel uncomfortable with her working there with a skimpy outfit.

So im eatin lunch cause i got bored sitting in the parking lot and she calls and tells me to come back. I am about 100 yards from the bar she applied to and she flipped out cause i wouldnt throw my food away and drive. WTF i was waiting for 2 hours and she gets mad cause she all of a sudden has to follow some girl to buy skirts from.

Long story short i feel like i dont have the love i once had cause she broke up with me and got back with me, and now its just bickering back and forth. WTF do i do. Any advice on how to be happy and snap out of this.

Answer:
I'm not Dear Abby, or a marriage counselor, and neither do I know all the details, but from what you've said, your relationship sounds shaky at best.

Figuritively speaking, once you punch someone, you can't unpunch them. In the course of the arguments before the break-up, did she say something, perhaps, that really hurt you, and is maybe nagging at you still? Sometimes when we're angry, we blurt out things that we wouldn't normally say because we know they're hurtful, but when we argue, our anger blurs our judgement and we say them because they're hurtful. The sad part is, once the words are said, we can't recall them, and the damage done is often permanent. Words can cut as deeply as any knife ever did.

Also, in a healthy relationship, there has to be an equal give and take from both partners. When only one makes all the concessions in order to please the other, eventually it breeds resentment that simmers inside below the surface until something happens to make it erupt into an angry tirade. It sounds to me like you're beginning to resent her because you feel you're the only one making compromises.

Ask yourself whether what you feel for this woman is actually love, or is it a sense of guilt and obligation because you think you gave her herpes? You can't build a healthy relationship based on guilt. It's not the same thing as love, and it never will be.

Looking at it from her point of view, it could be that she senses that you feel guilty, or maybe, deep inside she's even angry with you, and her seeming disregard for your feelings is her way of punishing you, or taking advantage of you, because you (maybe) gave her herpes. On some level that she may not even be aware of, she may feel you are obligated to her because you infected her. I know you said neither of you are sure, but if you think it was you, she probably believes it was, too.

At the very least, you both owe it to yourselves to have an honest discussion about your feelings for one another. You say you're both having a hard time dealing with the herpes issue, but the guilt and blame over who gave it to whom needs to be put to rest for good, or it will continue to surface and cause problems. And if you don't love her anymore, you need to be honest about that. You may find out, in the course of the discussion, that her feelings for you have changed, too. It's a possibility you need to be prepared for.

I hope things work out for you, however you want/need them to. Like I said, I'm no therapist, so most of what I've said has been drawn from personal experience or intuition. Take it with a grain of salt. No one can understand fully what you (or your gf) are feeling but you, so you need to do what your own intuition and heart tell you to do. Good luck.

Answer:
Wow thanks writercll, to answer some of your questions i dont think i love her, or feel i should be with her. I love the girl to death, before we were diagnosed i would do anything for her. She was on my mind all the time. After we were diagnosed she was very supportive of me because she knew i was having a hard time. But it was really after the break up that i lost alot of feelings and respect for her. Now with the stress of moving in together it puts a lot on me.

After we got back together i told her i need to take it slow. We were in a long distance relationship over summer and she insisted that i call her atleast 6-7 times a day, each convo lasting atleast 20+ mins. If i didnt she would get really mad. But after the break up i told her i cant call as much and to just relax and take things slow.

I also feel i have a short temper and when she does some things it gets under my skin. Given the situation between HSV and moving in i just get irratated quicker. For example when im carrying furniture in and im going up a flight of stairs and she walks slow as hell and i drop some pieces i get pissed. Or when i leave to meet up with friends and we get halfway and she forgets her cell phone at the apt and i have to go back.

I think im just going to have to be the bigger person and treat her really good. See how her response is and if its negative then i give up. I know she holds grudges so thats whats going to make this hard. I wish she could just except an apology and move on. Guess we will have to see.

Thank you

Answer:
Lucabratzi - I like what writercll said but I'd like to add something.

Relationships are complicated even when there isn't a health issue like hsv in the mix. Healthy communication and trust are the building blocks. If you can't honestly say what you think and feel and have equal trust it will never work because it is like the partners are living in two different worlds that touch but work on different principles of physics.

I personally believe that when two people are meant to be together they just click. There is that sense of contentment and joy and much of it is effortless.

I agree with writercll that when there is one partner doing all of the heavy lifting or it becomes a burden something isn't quite right.

I just can't see being in a relationship because of guilt or obligation either you want to be there or you don't. If you are testing your partner to find out if they are committed or if they will break the rules it is probably already over and you're putting off the inevitable.

Ask yourself why you are here. Do you really want to continue this or do you want something else? You clearly state that you need space. If this is true you need to give yourself space. Where is your happiness in this? Are you happy inside or are you holding onto something hoping it will give you happiness? Search your soul and find out what is true for YOU and embrace it and don't feel guilty for putting yourself and your needs first. If you don't cherish yourself who will?

Answer:
For example today i sat in my car in a parking lot for 2 hours while she applied for a job at a bar. I thought it would be a quick 30 min thing but it wasnt. man, my ex-boyfriend did a similar thing to me... he went in to what I thought would be a "quick" meeting with his boss at the time--I ended up sitting in the car for 3 hrs. in intense heat while I was 6 months pregnant. Let me tell you I was irritated. It was so inconsiderate. I thought about leaving to shop or something after 1.5 hrs but at that point felt like "no, surely he'll be done soon..." :mad:

I left him 2 months ago--the day I decided to walk out on him I had asked him to please take out the trash (I was always doing every single bit of the "dirty work" around our place) and he was like "I just got home" I said "please it's stinking up the place..." Well he didn't take it out so I had to do it, as I'm walking towards the dumpster our friendly neighbor man said "oh here let me get that for you" that was such a revelatory moment for me. That wasn't the defining reason for why I left there were other things--one being he has a drug problem.

What's my point here? Well I agree with what was said earlier about each person giving equal give and take. I felt I was carrying all of the weight both emotionally and literally... also lines of communication did not exist between us. When I would talk openly about my feelings/emotions he would shoot me down with something like "don't let your emotions get to you...filter out your emotions to reveal what's true..." that was not what a very pregnant affection-starved girlfriend was wanting to hear. Also, it's true that a relationship simply cannot be healthy if it's built on guilt or obligation. I had felt obligated to be with this man because I got pregnant by him. Thankfully, I had the strength to walk out on him before making a marriage commitment (which we had planned on doing "one day")

Answer:
I appreciate all the responses. Now i feel obligated to be with her because we have a place together and i've put alot of money into it and have a contract.

I went into the bedroom this morning and cuddled and kissed her. I asked if we could forget about yesterday. She said that it really hurt her feelings, i said sorry and i'll work on not gettin angry and try to be more patient. She then said "sorry for gettin mad when you were mean." Little things like that get under my skin. Because she said it like that so that she is right and i am wrong. Why cant she just say sorry for takin her personal stuff out on me.

Then the cable guy came and i was talkin with him, her phone starts ringin and she got mad cause i didnt answer it and bring it to her. I was fuckin talkin with the cable guy. What she cant get her ass up and get her own phone.

I would think she's just pms'ing but she said she isnt. It sucks cause even when i try to sit down and talk to her, she will make me out to be the bad guy and she has to be right. She doesnt understand we just need to get things out on the table, say what pisses us off and work on it. I hate looking back just look forward and work on the future. But she likes to stay in the past and hold grudges.

Answer:
lucabratzi - I'll be as sensitive as I can here. Did you read what you just posted? I know this is hurting you but you have your answers right there in black and white.

Is this residence that important to you? Think about it. It is your excuse for staying somewhere you aren't happy. So you break a contract. So you move on. So you lose a couple of $$. What is your happiness and sanity worth to you. A wise friend told me once that "if you find yourself in a hole - quit digging." I can't tell you when to quit investing in something you aren't getting your money's worth from - only you can do this.

There are problems and solutions and making excuses or placing blame are neither. In the end it doesn't matter what caused the problem it only matters how it gets resolved. How important is it to be right or wrong?

I know you didn't mean it this way but when men say that women's behavior is because of pms it is a sexist way of saying that the woman doesn't have responsibility for her own behavior or actions. Yes cramps can cause discomfort but a snappy, or mean attitude is a choice.

Happiness is something we have inside if we will just plug into it. It is not something you find in another person or in things. We can lose sight of happiness when we are trying to control the world around us and projecting expectations on others. You can only control you and what you do and think. If your choices aren't making you happy change them. If your thoughts are making you miserable that is your cue to make changes. Other peoples expectations are only as important as you make them. Who is meeting your expectations? Who is making your dreams come true?

Answer:
Luca, stay in the present and if that sucks leave it. The solutions to problems don't lie somewhere in the future just right there and now. If is is uncomfotable it probably is. If you're unhappy you probably are. (By the way mine's over. Called it off completely) It may seem like what you've invested so far somewhat forces you to stick at it to see the returns. Sometimes what happen is that sticking it out can cost you more in the future and not just financially. Emotionally. Loss of integrity.

C