Question:
I've been trying to figure it out for the last four years...

A year ago I've fallen in love with a guy and we proceeded into having sex after I told him about GH. He was ok with it, we were super careful, and things were incredibly amazing until I got an outbreak. I was not too emotional about it, but this freaked him out, and after avoiding me for few days he said that he couldn't really deal with it. I was going through a rough patch in my life at that time, and I let myself sink into a deep depression, felt guilty and not worthy of being loved. I did not have sex, date or even kiss a man for a year after that...

Two months ago I met a wonderful man, with whom I have a very open communication and great chemistry. I told him right in the beginning that I had GH. He took few days to think about it, and we talked about it at great length, and he was very supportive. I told him that it would be ok if stayed just friends, and I really meant it because I like him a lot as a person. I told him that I couldn't go through the same story again - for him to say yes and then no, and also that I would hate to have him infected. I backed out a little bit on the emotional front. He wanted to have sex with me anyhow. And we did, and it was special and he didn't want to use a condom...

And one week into that I get an outbreak. After not having sex for one year I guess it's normal. I tell him right away, and now it's his turn to pull out emotionally. We talk a lot and he suggests that maybe we should be just friends after all. He says he doesn't do it because of the herpes, he gives me other reasons, but it all happens while I am having an outbreak. Friends it is! I am dealing with the second relationship disintegrating at a sight of a pimple. We talk every day and go once for dinner as friends with no sexual context at all. After a week we both realize that we can't keep away from each other. We start fooling around again, but without intercourse, and on friends status. The connection between us is still there, and we are getting attached to each other. We have oral sex and lots of kissing and cuddling. Few times he rubbed against me and I got very emotional and started crying. It reminded me of the closeness that we had and the fact that since we are only "friends" now it won't happen again. And the thought of infecting him is just horrifying. I really want to be close to him again, but I feel that I can't ask for it... Today I got another outbreak, and I can't stop crying. I am afraid of telling him, remembering what happened last time. Don't know what to do and how to deal with it. I don't want him to see me like this, and the only way out that I see is to end our relationship. How do I keep myself together and not get so emotional over this? I don't like the situation I am in, but not having him in my life is a scary thought... I don't have the strengths to deal with the second rejection from him... and the third rejection overall...

Any advise or supportive words are greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
z

Answer:
zamzam,

For starters welcome and I hope this forum is helpful for you. It has been for me.

Perhaps sharing the details of your ob's is tmi for these men. It is one thing to accept a "what if" of an "unknown" but it is entirely different when one has to see the reality of how this infection disrupts your life.

What is apparent for me, living with hsv, is that not everyone has the same experience. If I thought I'd have one ob in a lifetime it would be no big deal to me. On the other hand if I thought that I'd be up against painful ob's on a regular basis I'd be pretty disheartened.

You've done the right thing by disclosing your status. I commend you for this. I do recommend, when you think there is an ob at hand, that you let him know that it "isn't a good time" and leave it at that. There is no need to elaborate on the details. If he pushes for details you could say it's female issues.

I hope that things get back to happy for the two of you. I know how hard this must be for you emotionally to keep getting the smack down when you're trying to do the right thing. I hope you can keep your chin up and be positive. Hsv should be only a small part of your life.

For those who are new to hsv the first year is usually the worst while your immune system gets up to speed. Most of us have infrequent ob's - some less than a handful a year. The key is your immune system.

Answer:
Thank you for your kind words Caliope!
The problem that I am facing now is that he wants to see me, and I've been keeping him at bay for the last two days. He knows my cycle and we see each other 4-5 days a week, so it's hard to blame it on "female's issues". I told him last night that I was feeling kind of flat, due to work related stress that I am going through. He wanted to see me anyhow and said that I don't have to be happy all the time and we should be able to share these things with each other. He is a really wonderful man. I know the minute he sees me, he'll know that something is wrong, he can read me very accurately. He is starting to feel that I am pushing him away without a real reason.

How long does it take to be "safe" to fool around after the outbreak? When the visible symptoms are gone, how many days is the virus still activated?

I feel that by me not telling him about the outbreak is similar to not telling him about herpes in the first place. I just want to be able to tell him and go on with our lives. But the fear of rejection is creeping up on me and making me feel paralyzed. It took me some time to view outbreaks like just a pimple that reappears from time to time, without affecting so much of what I do or how I feel. But being involved with someone opens a can of worms inside me and I get very emotional. I kind of miss my time of celibacy, since I didn't have to deal with these issues. I know it's wrong to think like that, but it feels like a safe place.

z

Answer:
sweetie you are pushing him away and instead of just being happy to see him it sounds like you are making everything about sex instead of enjoying his company. It's great that he is sensitive to your moods but you are the one who is in control of them and if your mood is the problem perhaps you want to think about things differently. It sounds like he really enjoys you and that it about more than your vagina.

Just because two people are sexually active does not mean that they must have sex every time they see each other. It is not unusual for either partner to have times when they aren't in the mood or they have something on their mind and sex just isn't convenient. It isn't a sign of rejection or a reason to give lengthy explanations for why you are refraining that particular day. If I am having some symptoms I just say "not a good day".

I hope you can become comfortable enough with yourself and your own body to assert that your own needs must take precedence at times and instead of having sex you can hug and kiss and cuddle without having to explain yourself. The point is that you should never need to explain yourself. That is what trust is about.

I throw out the "female issues" comment because most men understand that our reproductive organs are complicated. We have periods, we ovulate, we get minor irritations, infections and discomfort all from having internal plumbing vs. external. I'm trying to make you understand that if you make a big dramatic issue out of the hsv it could be tmi for him and it's perfectly okay to avoid sex without explaining the specific reason.

Further you don't have to be upset that you're having an ob' - it sucks, it's probably uncomfortable but you can make this as big or as small as you want. I guarantee that if you give hsv a lot of importance it will disrupt your life.

I am positive for hsv and my guy has not tested positive for it. He is aware of the situation and I take antivirals etc. to control ob's. We do not waste our precious time together discussing my ob's. Sex is important but it is not the only reason we spend time with each other. Heck sometimes I just want to sit and watch football with him.

As far as sexual activity following an ob. Usually the virus is present for several days before and after an ob. If there is still inflamation present it could be uncomfortable for you and could trigger more inflamation.

Answer:
What's making you anxious seems to be the thought of him rejecting you. Well you'll only be telling him something he already knows - you have this virus and unfortunately you do get outbreaks.

If he can't handle that then it's better for you to know NOW rather than in a few months.

It's easy for people to give you advice becasue they -I mean I - don't have the emotional attachment. But sometimes you need to just hear it how it is. ANd if this man is selective in when he wants to be with you - depending on whether you have a coldsore or not - then he's not the man for you.

I wouldn't criticise him for that, it just means it wasn't meant to be - and I'm sure it would be his loss.:D

Also, you don't HAVE to tell him. Your body, your privacy. So as long as you're not exposing him to an outbreak without his knowledge, then why feel compelled to tell him. As Caliope said - you shouldn't feel that you have to justify yourself. This is one of my faults - I tend to justify myself when I don't need to - so this rang a bell with me.:(