Question:
Hi everyone. I just wanted to write about my most recent "sex and intimacy w/ herpes" experience. Not so much in the hopes the finding right or wrong in what was done or not done, but more so just to get it out. As I’m sure most of your feel there’s not a lot of people you can confide in regarding the condition most of us suffer from, but it definitely seems like this is the right place to discuss such matters. So on to my most recent experience with “Sex and Intimacy w/ Herpes”.

Here’s some background information on me - I’ve had herpes (HSV2) for going on about a decade and I have to admit it has had a major affect on me and how I interact with those of the opposite sex. For the majority of the time I had a girlfriend that supported me and was able to look past my condition. But as you know in life there are no guarantees and the relationship did not end up working out. We have been broken up for over two years and it’s been an adjustment to say the least to reinsert myself back into the dating scene. I’ll have to admit it’s very scary having to face the fact that anyone I want to attempt to have any type of relationship now with I must give them the “low down” ahead of time. With this said I went through a period of time where I would not allow myself to get close enough to anyone to even risk the possibility of them finding out about my condition and rejecting me. I guess you could say this was my way of not only protecting other people but how I dealt with the fear of rejection. But I figured out over time that this was not anyway to live.

So slowly I began inserting myself into situations with members of the opposite sex, allowing myself to get closer. But I was very cautious of who I would even consider dating. For me it was a matter of – did I think they had it in them to look past my condition and really appreciate me for who I was AND if they would keep their mouth shut if I decided to let them in on my “secret”. So in that two year period of time I’d say I’ve dated 2 people in the hopes of reaching a point where I felt comfortable telling them about my herpes and I’ve also had sex with 3 people, 1 of which I dated.

I realize the responsibility I have to others and that it’s necessary to tell them about my herpes before we engage in any type of intimate relationship, which is exactly the reasoning for isolating myself from the opposite sex. I have to admit that what we have to go through is quite a burden and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I guess you could say this is the cross we have to bear.

So with that in mind I always made a point to let my partners before we engaged in any real intimacy. Everyone was ok with it, except 1 - the one I cared for most.

I will admit I made a huge mistake with her. For the record let me state that I always intended to tell her about my condition prior to us having any real physical intimacy. Unfortunately that isn’t what happened. We ended up having sex (protected) before I told her. I’ll be honest – passion got the best of me. We started fooling around and the next thing I know we had sex (i had a mental lapse and simply got lost in the moment and forgot to tell her), then shortly thereafter the realization that I had just made a huge error hit me like a ton of bricks. But I didn’t want to tell her right after we had sex as I thought this would only make thing worse. So I waited until what I thought was the right time, which was a few weeks later. I originally wanted to tell her face to face, but over time I realized I’d have to do it on the phone. She lives quite a ways away from me and when we get together we spend the weekend together since it’s a long haul. My rationale behind this was that I thought waiting until one of us just spent a good portion of the day driving to see the other one and then dropping the bomb would have been a bad idea. I guess I didn’t want her to feel trapped with me.

Anyway, so I told her. And she has not reacted well to the news at all. The weekend plans we had made were off and she told me she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to forgive me not giving her the “choice” to be with me or not. I did my best to explain to her that I had planned on telling her ahead of time and that I wanted her to have the “choice” but I just screwed up, and that things went farther and faster than I had intended and that the next thing I knew it was too late – I had made the mistake. It has not mattered and it's making me feel like a slimeball even though I had good intentions.

Up until the point at which I had told her our relationship was perfect. We’d not had an argument, we had chemistry and it seemed that cared for each other equally and we were both about 1 step away from saying “I love you”. And then BAM it’s over.

I’ve tried my best to talk to her about it and reassure her that I was not trying to deceive her in anyway and that I waited to tell her until I felt the time was right, more for her emotional protection that anything else. None of that has mattered and she’s made it clear that it’s a no go from this point forward. She tells me she cares and that she cries constantly but she doesn’t feel the same way about me that she did last week and that she doesn’t have feelings deep enough for me to risk being exposed to my HSV2.

This is very painful and out of all the people I’ve told I cared the most for her and I felt that she would have been able to handle it better than any of the others. I can’t help but think that maybe she didn’t care for me as much as I thought and that it’s not so much that she won’t be able to forgive me but it’s more that she doesn’t want to put herself at risk of being exposed to my HSV2; and the “not forgiving me” is just an easy way out for her.

Whatever the case, I’m devastated and very sad about this all. I feel my integrity has been questioned and I lost a relationship in which I had high hopes. I guess even when you try your best to pre-screen people it’s still a crapshoot. My fear now is that I will regress back to the point where I’ll isolate myself from the opposite sex again, eventhough I know that’s no way to live, but dang this is painful.

Well this is my story and I guess this just reinforces the fact that it’s very important to talk about it before sex; safe or not. Not only for their protection but also for yours so you don't continue to emotionally invest yourself in someone who's not going to reciprocate those feelings as soon as they know the truth.

So any feedback or responses are welcome; even the ones telling me it’s my duty to tell someone prior to having sex. But please keep in mind that telling her ahead of time was always the plan and things just turned out wrong. I’m only human.

Answer:
I'm so sorry things didn't go well for you. Maybe she'll do her own research and change her mind, but either way, it's never easy to lose someone you care about no matter what the reason. People can surprise us in very good and very bad ways.

No sermon here. Just sympathy and hope.

Answer:
Thanks Catiesmom I appreciate it.

I just wish I could go back and tell her so I would know for sure if it's my mistake that has destroyed our budding relationship, or if she is just waaaay to scared to be with me for fear of being infected.

It's tough for me to know because I would think if you have deep feelings for someone and they make an honest mistake it's usually much easier to forgive than if that person did something bad that was pre-meditated (like knowing but not telling for fear of rejection).

But when I put the shoe on the other foot I realize that it's very possible that she could view it as I put her in jeopardy and honest mistake or not, good intentions and all, it's just unacceptable.

Guess I'll never really be able to know. Oh well.

However, we chatted today and dang it if we still don't play well together once we got away from all the negativity that's been surrounding every communication we've had for the past week. I just have to keep reminding myself that just because we have chemistry does not mean we will be able to work things out.

Anyone ever just felt like becoming a monk or something?

Answer:
I'm sorry to hear about that.I'm about to go through the same thing.But my situation is alittle worse.(i THINK )i JUST FOUND OUT A WEEK AGO AND i HAVE TO TELL AN EX BOYFRIEND AND A NEW GUY THAT I JUST ENDED HAVING SEX WITH RECENTLY.eVEN THOUGH ME AND THIS NEW GUY PROTECTED OURSELVES , i STILL FEEL HE MUST HAVE CAUGHT IT.aNYWAYS, THIS HERPES CRAP SUCKS.mY EX IS THE ONE WHO I THINK GAVE IT TO ME BUT I THINK HE WILL JUST DENIE IT.i DONT KNOW.aNYWAYS,i THINK WE NEED TO GO WITH THE FLOW.i KNOW THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR US.bUT i HATE GOING THROUGH THE WONDERING HOW THIS NEW GUY IS GOING TO REACT.i JUST FOUND OUT MYSELF AND I CRIED FOR A WEEK.wELL JUST WANTED TO LEND MY SUPPORT AND TELL YOU i FEEL YOUR PAIN .aND THAT I'M SORRY.iF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK IM HERE.(:

Answer:
Trust and respect in a relationship are very important to me. If I were in her position, I would easily be struggling with your trustworthiness. I'd have to get past that before I could even consider the risk factors with herpes. I think it is totally possible that that is her reason for putting the breaks on. It would be enough for me.

Answer:
Thanks Jewel_07 and Claudia for your responses. Jewel_07 I appreciate the positive wishes as this is pretty tough time for me right now. I hope everything with your situation works out alright as well. I understand the feeling of apprehension of having to have the conversation with someone you care about. I went through it recently - the week before I went to the see the woman I was seeing. Best of luck to you.

Claudia you bring up a good point and a perspective that I guess I have a hard time seeing. I've had HSV2 for so long and have not hand anyone reject me because of it that I guess I just assumed that it would be understood that the mistake I made was not out of deception but just a huge, but honest mistake and we would try to work through it. The last thing I thought would be questioned would have been my "trustworthiness". I'll be honest with you that's 1 part of all this that hurts a ton, because I hold trust and honesty in such high regard.

Since my last post I've come to the conclusion that it's time for me to accept that this is over between us and the only option I have is to move on with my life. At this point I guess what I can take from this is a few very important and painful lessons.

But I do feel if she was the "one" she would have been more compassionate and not have dropped my like a hot potato like she did, and we would have attempted to work it out. I guess a "glass half-full" way of looking at this is that my herpes will weed out those people who aren't right for me. At some point someone will love me for who I am - good and bad - and I don't really need to be wasting my time with those who don't have the capacity to do so.

Answer:
Everyone is different in how much of a trigger they can tolerate. I have a low tolerance for any sort of deception or untruthfulness, but there are other "flaws" that I can tolerate a lot of that others can't, and maybe they can ride out a couple slips-ups without too much trouble (I'm not even sure I wouldn't try to work through it if I got the vibe from you that this was a one-time slip up). But everyone is different.

There are always lessons for us out there, an we definately all need to find partners who accept all of us, as you say, the good and the bad. Good luck to you.

Answer:
just an update...

this relationship is done. she will not have anything to do with me. even though i know i made a huge mistake, i have never had anyone treat me so coldly. i actually feel like i was used. i am angry at myself for letting this happen and i am extremely angry and hurt by the way she has treated me. i don't care if it's right or wrong for me to feel this way, because these are my feelings and i have a right to have them. but i cannot beat myself up over and over again like i have been doing as it is tearing my life apart. i feel every positive thing i have done to learn how to cope and live my life is crumbling before my eyes. all my hopes and dreams that i had with this one - shattered.

i feel that even a little compassion from her could have went a long way and i got absolutely none. when i fell from grace in her eyes i fell hard and far. every conversation is one sided and i pleaded and tried to explain the situation to her every which way from sunday as compassionate as i possibly could have... but in the end - nothing but cold.

i couldn't help it... i finally got mad and expressed my feelings about my anger to her and we just ended up pointlessly arguing... she only sees this as black and white and that's her right but life is rarely black and white. so with that said i told her i never wanted to see her or talk to her again and to have a nice life.. and maybe try to walk in someone else's shoes for once and try a little empathy.

I deleted everything from her - every email, every photo, deleted her from my life... did this today..

i will have enough trouble forgiving myself for what i did and terrible decisions i made, decisions i honestly made to protect her, but wrong still. i do not need someone who is going to treat me coldly and like a leper to constantly remind me of the mistake i made. i guess i'm just used to people being empathetic, not being treated so poorly.

i'm sad and upset at myself, but i am extremely angry at her... however she thinks about me i know in my heart of hearts i try my best to be the best person i can be and i deserve someone much better than her.

it hurts and i feel stuck in the friggin pain but maybe eliminating her totally from my life will help me move on.

oh btw... she was tested and came up negative... but in her eyes i shouldn't have done it, so i have been damned.

i'll be honest with you... the thought has crossed my mind that i should not have told her, that in the end i would not have infected her. right or wrong those thoughts have crossed my mind.

Answer:
birdman5555 - I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I don't have to agree or disagree with what happened to recognize that you have a right to feel the loss of this situation. I'm sure I'd be hurt if it was me.

I had to tell my partner of my positive test result several years into our relationship and his first response was that he loved me but we could never have sex again. It was immensly painful to hear those words on the back of such a shocking test result. I was surprised when after several weeks he called me back and begged me to find a way for us to work this out. Clearly he has been exposed and I had no reason to believe that we'd be together 9 months later.

As far as her negative test result I would not necessarily consider it an accurate result if it has been less than 12 weeks since you had sexual contact. She could have contracted the virus from you but may not have sufficient antibodies to register in her test. Not everyone has an initial ob.