Question:
I've been reading some of the responses to other threads and am impressed with the feedback I've seen, so please direct some more of the same this way..

I was just told, tonight actually, by a girl I have been seeing for a couple months that she has H. We have not had sex, though tonight came close, and I commend her for being upfront with me. The advice I have seen in other threads is spot on- you have to speak up. The other person will know you can be trusted. (She did not tell me in the heat of the moment by the way, which would have been disastrous).

Anyway, my concerns are these. As far as I know I do not have H. Obviously I would rather not contract it. That said, I also know that 50-80% of Americans have it, that many who have it never show symptoms, that many who become symptomatic have very sporadic and mild outbreaks, transmission F-M is less virulent, etc etc etc. Of course being in a new relationship with a beautiful woman my vision is not as clear as it might otherwise be, but I listen to all of you talk who do live with H and one corner of my brain says, well, what's the big deal?

Now the other corner of my brain is piping in with a more rational approach, mostly in consideration of future partners and the problems that an H+ person faces there. I read in this forum about the struggles that so many people face and heard tonight about the difficulties my date has been having over the past 2 yrs since she contracted the virus. Not a comfy spot to sit if you are not already in a lifetime commitment with someone. So one corner says what the heck, the other corner says no way dude.

And on a final note, to add another twist to the story, I have not used protection for 5 yrs (2 partners) after having attained proficiency in retaining my semen during orgasm. I highly recommend the books Multiorgasmic Man and MO Woman by Mantak Chia for more info. Certainly not 100% effective as a means of birth control, but it seems to be effective enough for me. Having to use a condom again is really not all that appealing to me. And transmission with a condom is still possible anyway, so is the hassle worth a less than perfect solution?

Advice?? Feedback??

Answer:
We think the hassle is worth it, but it's different if you already have it. :)

I really don't have much advice, but i would recommend getting tested. Ask SPECIFICALLY for an HSV test, because you may already have HSV-1, and you would be less likely to contract whatever your gf has, and chances are the outbreaks would be less severe if you did.

Good luck!

Answer:
Thanks Catiesmom for your reply. I think getting tested is a good idea.. who knows, maybe I already have it and don't know it?

The 'hassle' I was referring to by the way was the hassle of using protection, not the hassle of being in the relationship.

Answer:
Hmm... coming on herpes support forum and asking people who are HSV positive if dating someone HSV positive is right for you?

Your going to get some bias opinions here..... lol

I think the decision you have to make is "Can I spend the rest of my life with this person" and be harshly creul in your assessment of the situation. I don't mean based on this person having H but based on this persons other attributes. If you do eventually get H and you most likely will having sex with someone with Herpes. Then it will effect future relationships with H negative people. There is certain psychological impact that many would agree is greater than the physical impact.

Really you have every right to walk away. Its your god given right too. Free will...

Answer:
I figured the responses would be biased.. but I also thought in this forum I might get some input from non-infected men with H+ gfs.

Angel, your 'hold up dude' input is needed and appreciated. The devil's advocate replies, 'only 4% chance of becoming infected in a year if you are a healthy M and no sex during OBs." Plus all the threads in this forum from H- partners, both M and F, who have yet to contract the virus despite years of sexual activity with their partners. Thoughts?

Answer:
I'll throw this in.

To my knowledge my bf of 3 years has never had an ob of hsv oral or genital. He had annual tests for hsv and other STI's before we got together. I had regular STI testing also.

I had a small first ob directly after our first sexual contact. We both were tested negative at that time. We continued to have sexual contact for 2 more years not knowing the ob could have still been hsv. I then had another ob and a positive test result.

We do not use condoms (his choice) I use antiviral meds.

Answer:
Caliope, thanks. Did your bf ever get tested again?

Answer:
No but I can't have that conversation with him.

Answer:
To be honest, I am in you gf's shoes. I just told my bf that I had herpes and he stayed and still wants to be with me. We are still using condoms but he wants to stop using them. He was just tested and he's negative and I seem to be the only person focused on keeping him that way. Anyway, I'm not sure what advice you're looking for but the best advice I can give you is to SLOW DOWN. Obviously, I don't think that you should stop dating this woman because she has herpes but you have to really think about whether or not this relationship is worth the risk. If you two break up, this will have a big impact on your dating life.

Take your time, get to really know her and then decide. We are always excited at the beginning of every new relationship but you have to be smart about this. Since you haven't been tested, this would be a really good time to do so. I do have a question, since you no longer use condoms do you have all of the women you date get tested prior to sex? This of course is in no way judgemental at all. I am just someone who just tested positive for herpes and is now afraid of everything.