Question:
Howdy...

I am in an odd position. Since I meet this girl I've been researching info about Herpes. Apparently, a lot of my info is wrong but creates more questions for me.

I've known this girl for years, but we only started "dating" a week or so ago. Apparently, a one-night stand sometime ago had infected her. While at a club, and getting hot (kissing, feeling, talking about sex, etc) she tells me she has Herpes. Funny thing, it was one of the few things I remembered - but thought it was a stange dream of some sort (I happened to have been drugged that night by some unknown person), but she brought it up again while we were kissing another night.

So it puts me in a delima. The best thing for me to do is walk away. But I don't know where she is infected or type... But I do know she is sexually active... and that SHE told me she had an infection, bring truthful - has earned quite a bit of respect. (I love dancing and making out with her too heheh)

So how do I talk about this with her? What questions should I ask and how should I do so? While we haven't had actual sex (Oral or anything below the belt) - needless to say, this herpe thing concerns me. But if anything, I would like to treat her like a lady - safely.

Reading some of the info on this site (Articles, etc) its like 50% of Americans have HSV1, which severely reduces the chances of getting HSV2. I have an above AVG immune system... I've had shingles, once about 10 years ago (Doc said it was a type of herpes back then, which scared me for a day) but nothing points to that being anything like HSV AFAIK. I've had my share of one-night stands (which I don't typically care for) in which oral sex is performed (giving or recieving) without protection.

Talking about this over dinner, I know is perhaps not a good thing. So, I am currently thing about this talk in the car before or after dinner. I'm thinking more AFTER dinner and drinks - before going to a club. She still wants to see me, and I the same. I think that her being sexually active and yet tells me this, that she IS able to have sex.

I am all knew to this... only about 5 days I was told again that she has this infection.

Answer:
Things I wanted to add:

I think the talk we need is both for "technical" and emotional, in that what and where the concerns are (type 1 or 2) and if its oral - then the kissing never should have started, but I doubt that. Also on technical is what works, that is still sensual.

I have my concerns, as the only time in my life I have had STDs was over 10 years ago, which took a shot and a week to get rid of. But I want to be respectful of her emotions.

1 - Walk away, be friendly - don't do anything more with her.
2 - Enjoy her company as a person, engage is light safe sex.
3 - Still enjoy her, but include regular sex.

I want her to enjoy what I do.

Light sex to me is anything above the waist (not oral). But when I am making love or even casual sex to someone, I like to do everything for that person. This includes fingers, nose, lips etc... as I am rather sensual in bed. Not being able to do such things, I am afraid maybe a problem. And using toys is not a problem with me.

I want us to both have mutal fun of some sort - with very minimal risk.

Answer:
Realistically the only way to know the extent of your friends infection is to ask her about her experience.

A high percentage of the population has been exposed to oral herpes infections which is commonly hsv1. It is also quite common for couples to engage in oral sex practices without considering it sex or to consider it acceptable casual contact. This increases the odds of contracting a genital infection. It also opens up Pandora's box and exposes many to hsv2.

Have you specifically asked your dr to test you for both strands of hsv? If not you may want to request herpes specific blood testing.

Here is a link that may answer some of your questions.



Answer:
Well, where to start?

Let me see if I've got this right... you've known this girl a long time, but only recently began to get physical and date. It's obvious you'd like to have sexual relations, but you never mention wanting a 'relationship' other than going out to have a good time. You indicate that she's still sleeping around, which doesn't seem to bother you, so that also leads me to believe that you're not emotionally invested. If those are the facts, you'd be doing yourself (and maybe her, as well) a favor by walking away.

BUT... if it's a relationship (emotional as well as physical) that you're seeking, you need to know what her status is before you can make any intelligent decisions on neccessary precautions. Does she have oral or genital?

If it's genital, yes, it's possible to still have sex, but the risk is always there. Of course there are things you can do to minimize the risk (abstain during ob's, use a condom, ect.) but be advised that there are no guarantees. In the end, it's a crap shoot. Are you willing to take that risk? Only you can decide that.

If she has oral, it can be transmitted via oral sex to your genitals. A lot of people get genital herpes this way. It can also be transmitted by kissing. The virus has to be active for transmission in any way, but it's not likely she'll always know when it's active. Not every period of viral activity results in an ob. Ocassionally, though seldom, there are no symptoms. That's why the risk of transmission cannot be entirely irradicated.

The fact that you had shingles once will not protect you from the herpes virus. I'm not trying to scare you, although I probably have. I just want you to understand that no matter what type of herpes she has, there is some risk involved for you. She did the right thing by informing you beforehand of her status. Now it's up to you to decide how important this relationship is, and how much you're willing to risk.

Also, as Caliope pointed out, you should be tested. It would be a wise thing to do.

Answer:
Before I forget - If a person has HSV1, doesn't the antibodies help prevent HSV2? It seems that I have read that somewhere... but I am a bit on information overload.

This information is also helpful to me, for interactions with people in general. As I've read in other posts & articles - its only recently that I've learned that OBs are not required as has the medical community. But that couples have spent years together without knowning and spreading the infection.

----

On the subject of the girl. Very passionate kisser. We both agree, we like what we do with each other. But I doubt its oral hsv as I believe she wouldn't have allowed kissing... but it WILL be something I will ask.

When I refer to "sleeping around" - I'm not talking one-night stands. We've had good nights with each other without going home with each other or other people. I actually haven't seen her for almost a year (we both had long-term relationships with someone else for 2+ years) and we both "got hurt" at the same time... we were actually turned on to each other before, but never went beyond a dance here or there. We both are not into "deep commitment" at this time. There are a lot of things I Do like about her, emotionally, personality and physically... more so than my last ex of 2 years ever reached. (I still have some feelings for the X, but she severely broke my trust & heart). Its a shame we didn't get together years ago.

If she was just "a lay", I would not bother with this.


So what I need advice is how to talk to her about this (sober), but I'm not sure where to begin or start. I think a lunch (if possible) would be good - but then go somewhere for privacy (a park I think is cool) to talk. This is akward for me. I would like to walk away. But what I know and think of her and the posts from others her, she is otherwise a very healthy young strong woman with feelings - she doesn't deserve a shut out.

And as you say, writercll "you'd be doing yourself (and maybe her, as well) a favor by walking away." Very true... but it is emotional, and it even scares me that I have such emotions at this time. But this is very early like in any NORMAL DATING relationship. Because of our schedules (family, weddings, work) - when we first meet (again - she was oh so sexy), our first "date" was supposed to be in early NOV. But everytime we meet, we end up talking, dancing etc... and we've had 3 dates before NOV and already more lined up and set. When I was with a pal at another club meeting ladies - I was thinking of her from time to time. ARGH!

We need to have this talk, as we're still texting like there are no issues.

I'v read about "bathing after sex" - which is something I have done whenever possible anyway since I was a young person, so perhaps that is one reason I've stayed uneffected for far. Also what kind of medication she is taking to reduce infection risks (Quite a bit of ads and some posts about meds and herbs on this site).

Thanks for your inputs. I think on how to approach this is the biggest hurtle. Trying to be respectful, tactful, serious yet caring in the same sitting. :(

Answer:
You'll probably hear different stuff from different people but one thing I have read numerous times on this site alone is of people who contracted oral herpes also known as coldsores or fever blisters as children and didn't think much of it and later in life when they contracted genital herpes (which can be hsv1 or hsv2) and it showed up in their bloodwork.

The vast majority of people don't think twice about the risk of coldsores becoming a genital infection and this doesn't stop them from performing oral sex without mentioning it first.

I would perhaps consider that someone that has had coldsores their entire life and has built up an antibody response is probably going to have less of an initial reaction to a new infection in the genital region or even perhaps not get any symptoms that clue them into the fact that they are infected. But this is my opinion.

I base the above opinion on the fact that our immune system is our number one defense against viral infections and once your body has developed antibodies to a particular kind of virus it knows what to do to fight it off. If it encounters that virus again it simply sends the known defense. Of course the two strands are not identical but they are similar enough to be named hsv and the body recognizes the similarities and can respond quicker to it than it would if it was a completely foreign pathogen that it did not recognize.

What if you already have hsv? Does this make a difference. What if she has hsv1 genitally and you have hsv1 orally? If it is hsv2 will you walk away? Most people only know where they are infected because they have had an ob. Some had a coldsore as a small child and cannot remember it.

If she has already mentioned hsv then picking up the discussion in the near future would be acceptable. By taking the conversation one step farther you are making it clear that you considering something more than making out at clubs. Just because you have the conversation does not mean that you are committing yourself to anything. You still have free will and discussing your sexuality is a mature way to make choices you are comfortable with. If you have the discussion and later decide you don't want to go there what have you lost?

What is wrong with asking her to coffee and discussing the hsv? You can mention it in the car before or afterwards. It sounds like you have a strong comfort factor going and if you have questions from our site here take them along and ask away.

Good luck.

Answer:
Thanks again, Caliope.

A bit off subject... but I was thinking of things while I was doing a workout.

Considering the number of infections and that its isolated to the infected area, there should be more that could be done (cure, preventions, etc) Things came to mind...

- Band-aids or simular. If an effect area is typically small, should that work? Or someone makes/invents a latex bandaid that could be slapped on. Takes a few seconds (depending on location of course).

- Lasers?! Considering that they are used to destory tissue and nerves... why not destory part of the nerve leading to the skin surface? (but if the body is building up hsv, a release is needed). Seems to be some articles on it.

- And there are clinical trials for a new vaccines, but of course that doesn't do much for those who alreayd have hsv. ;(

Hey, this is one thread about artifical sweetners causing OB in a lot of people... interesting.

Gotta go...