Question:
I told my boyfriend of 5 years that I contracted HSV and to my relief he loves me enough to stay with me. BUT and this is a big but, he is afraid to have sex with me. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but lets face it…it’s a large factor in a relationship. So I don’t know what to do. I have explained to him that it is very possible for us to have a healthy sex life without him getting HSV. He will not listen that or he is just too scared I don’t know what to do to make him see that sex is still a option.


PLEASE GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTION ON HOW TO RESPECT HIS CHOICE WITHOUT GOING INSANE FROM SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.

OR HOW TO CONVINCE HIM THAT IT IS OK

Answer:
My bf said the same thing but after a week he came around. He wanted to make sure that I did everything possible to reduce the risk of spreading this to him.

It is really helpful to provide facts about transmission and how to reduce the risk.

Antivirals and condoms can help reduce the risk. We wash right afterwards and my bf is really receptive to when I say it isn't a good time and doesn't push it. I also take vitamins etc to strengthen my immune system and work out regularly to stay healthy.

It is never a good idea to have sex if you think you are coming down with the flu or an illness and the same goes for him because it is when your immune system is working on other things and an ob can show up.

You said you've been together for 5 years. Has he been tested to see if he already has it? This would remove the issue for both of you.

Answer:
I feel your pain my boyfriend of 13yrs is now afraid of me, when i told him he was like its okay that he wasn't going to leave me and that if he has to use a condom he would well, its been a mth since i found out and we have only been together once since then, we used a condom then and he was so uncomfortable, and its been a mth since we had sex. We don't even talk about sex any more.... I hate this so much because in a way i can understand but on the other hand im so sad about this, because if he loves me the way he says he does than well you know... so in this situation a girl has to do what a girl has to do and thats go to the top drawer of the end table and make sure you have plenty of fresh batteries. Its not the same but it will relive some of the stress belive me.....

Answer:
Wow... I am in a similar situation. I've been with my bf for just over 2 years now. We went on a "break" in Aug. I ended up meeting someone and got GHSV1. When my bf and I got back together I had to tell him what happened. It was horrible, and it broke a lot of trust. At first he was very hesistant to be physical with me, and pushed me away sexually several times. It's been a month now, and he finally understands the virus, and I think he's come to terms with it. We are not at the same sexual level we were before because we now have to use condoms, be more aware of transmission, etc. His desire has decreased and I feel rejected a lot. I am hoping in time, this will change, but I think this is just a normal aspect/phase. He claims he still loves and wants to be with me. I guess time will tell whether we can reclaim our sex life again. The first time I told him he was really weird the first time we had sex. He washed himself, didn't want to touch me. I felt horrible and dirty. Now though even though the quantity has decreased he is opening up a little. It's amazes me though that these men claim they love us, yet are unwilling to be intimate with us just because of "H"? I think honesty and being open is the best policy. I think he respects that I told him, and he knows I am concerned about his health, etc. which makes him a little bit more comfortable. I am in a similiar situation tho and it does hurt. :(

Answer:
There was a guy I dated for half a year, I helped him went through his open heart surgery. His family, friends were not even there, only me took days off from work and slept on the hospital chair besides him. Even though we went through all this, he still won't be intimate with me afterwards, even when I was perfectly fine. When I asked him, he said, "Do you want me to get herpes?!" I left him not long after that. I am now dating one that doesn't hesitate to be close in many ways.

Answer:
I got HSV2 from a man with whom I was in relationship for a long time (>8yrs). He didn't know what the sores and blisters were, thought they didn't mean anything and had sex with me in the dark during an outbreak. It has ruined my skin which has torn with sex ever since - having sex feels like with every movement I am being sand-papered. The eroded, papercut and split areas bleed and take days to heal, all the while, you can imagine how it is with the toilet. This started in 1999. I have been to several specialists and even used clobetesone but there is no improvement. That man stopped having sex with me several years ago and I left him last year.

My new boyfriend was tested and didn't even have type 1, let alone type 2. I told him everything I knew (quite a lot - eg the studies in Steven Sacks etc) and told him he couldn't come near me until he went to the VD clinic and spoke privately and alone with a venereologist about all his questions and to hear the latest (not much more than I had told him). He did and after some deliberation he chooses not to have sex with me. I never pushed him - just waited patiently - and what could I say, except "good call". I take valtrex just for the cuddles and heavy making out. I don't know if my skin has improved bc its been years - but am even a bit glad I don't have to face the possibility that it has not, any time soon. You might wonder why I am even intersted after the years and years of terrible experience, but one still has a libido. every time I tried it over the years, I was praying a miracle had happened and that the damage had stopped as quickly as it started. I have even said to him "If we try, and nothing has changed for me, I won't be able to do this again (or maybe just sometimes, very quickly). And you will worry for months - and for what ?"

So, althought it is very hard and hurtful for you, I can only say your boyfriend has the right to feel whatever he is feeling, and he also has the right to say no - until he is ready to say yes (if ever). I would rather someone waited until they wanted to be with me with all their heart - no reservations whatsoever - and they were sure and happy and filled with love, than pressurising themselves into something that frightened them and seeing their frightened, regretful or even disgusted face afterwards. or seeing them run for the bathroom to wash and checking themselves a lot for signs. I'd rather not do it at all.

I can't blame my boyfriend for his decision bc if I had known the truth about my ex (and been able to see into the future at what would one day be mine forever), I would have refused to have sex with him too. How can I blame anyone else for not wanting what I have to offer ? I didn't want !

On a more positive note, try these people - they have really good notes for partners you can print off or email him the url. http://www.herpes.org.nz/patient/relationships.htm

Good luck :)

Answer:
I have explained to him that it is very possible for us to have a healthy sex life without him getting HSV. He will not listen that or he is just too scared I don’t know what to do to make him see that sex is still a option....HOW TO CONVINCE HIM THAT IT IS OK Well, it depends what you mean by "OK" and "having a healthy sex life".

There is very little new research since Dr. Steven Sacks died and the oldie-but-goodie study with the couples where one person had it and the other didn't still stands, according to my venereologist.

When couples <where one was affected and the other was not>
avoided sex during outbreaks / risky times ....

Man had it, girl didn't: 18 girls caught it per year
Girl had it; man did not (your situation): 5 men in 100 caught it per year.
(Yes, its wonderfully fair, isn't ?)

Condoms halve this risk.
So do antivirals.
Valtrex hangs around in the body better than Acyclovir.


How well have you ensured his risk is as low as you can make it ?
Maybe 5% per annum chance is too much for him.

1. Are you on antivirals ?
2. Have you discussed permanent condom use ?
3. Have you discussed no unprotected oral sex - ever ? (this means using dams, cut-open condoms or non-microwaveable saran wrap)
4. HAS HE BEEN TESTED ? Maybe he has it anyway - 80-90% of infected people don't know they are and almost ALL people catch it from someone who will swear on their mother's life they are "clean". (Imagine if everyone knew - imagine the reduction in new cases !)

Good luck and do let us know how it all goes :)