Question:
I started dating this guy about two weeks ago. We talk everyday, hang out whenever possible, and are becoming very attached to each other. He knows I have a "personal problem" that I am currently dealing with, but he doesn't have a clue that it is genital herpes.

This is the first guy I have dated since I found out I have HSV (about a month ago). I want to tell him about it, but then again--I don't. Fear of rejection. I would never consider having sex with him, without telling him first. But I don't know how he is going to react. We work together, and that makes the situation really tricky. If I tell him and he is disgusted with me, then I still have to see his face at work-even worse, I don't want my co-workers to know. Ahh!

I feel like the longer I wait, the more time I am wasting. Wasting his time and mine. I'm not sure whether or not he will stay with me. I don't feel like I am ready to share it with him yet.

About a week ago I randomly asked him-"What's the one thing that grosses you out the most?" He paused for about 3 seconds then replied, "STD's." That was a shocker. It left me speechless, and then I just cried when I got off the phone with him. I'm feeling very clueless, and I need some help. When should I tell him? Should I wait til I'm ready? Because if I wait I feel like I am wasting his time. Please help!

Answer:
I feel like the longer I wait, the more time I am wasting. Wasting his time and mine. I'm not sure whether or not he will stay with me. No relationship is a waste of time. Even relationships that don't go very far teach you things about yourself, and put you closer to becoming the person who you want to be.

I don't feel like I am ready to share it with him yet. Then don't... As long as you don't put him at risk, he has no business knowing...

About a week ago I randomly asked him-"What's the one thing that grosses you out the most?" He paused for about 3 seconds then replied, "STD's." That was a shocker. It left me speechless, and then I just cried when I got off the phone with him. Randomly eh??? :wink:

Well, maybe this is what you meant in the other thread where you said you were dealing with ignorance...

If I was you, I would have said after he said STD's are gross "you think STD's are gross?" And if he said yes again, I would have said "Do you think I'm gross?" (see where I'm getting at?)

I'm feeling very clueless, and I need some help. When should I tell him? Should I wait til I'm ready? Because if I wait I feel like I am wasting his time. Please help! Wasting HIS time???? What about YOUR time? Maybe he's wasting YOUR time?

From what he said to you on the phone.. CLEARLY there are 2 possibilities...

Possibility 1: He REALLY thinks STD's are gross and nothing will change his mind... OBVIOUSLY a very ignorant thing to think, but if he thinks it... fine... Its not your job to change him, or whatever. If STD's to HIM are gross... The situation speaks for itself... You guys are not a good match. Break it off with him... Don't be angry, don't be mad, he has EVERY right to be stupid... If he questions you WHY... You have 2 choices.. either you tell him you have HSV and he already let you know STD's are gross, so why should you waste either of your time. the other option: IF he asks you why you are breaking up with him, and you fear telling him because you think he'd tell other people, then you don't have to tell him you have HSV tell him YOU DON'T TRUST HIM which is the HONEST truth!!!!!!!!! If he asks why you don't trust him, just tell him that from conversations you've had, you just don't get the feeling that you could trust him with personal parts of 'who you are'. And leave it at that.

Possibility 2: He said std's are gross, BUT he is a really good person deep inside, and just doesn't know anything about them and because he is a good person, he would respond favorably to being 'enlightened'. If you think he's REALLY a good person who by and large is not judgemental, and his comment about 'std's are gross was just his lack of knowledge' then you tell him you have HSV and tell him about it, and IF he is a good person, he would CERTAINLY not tell anyone else, and will probably stay with you.

Lastly... You could give it more time. Let him fall in love with you first. There is NOTHING wrong with letting someone get to know you before you bear all your secrets to him.


In a general sense... It seems to me your confidence is very low (and understandably) For every one of us, I'm SURE after we found out we had HSV our confidence takes a HUGE hit.

Going dating without confidence is like going skiing without skis... Its not IMpossible but its WAY harder and you fall on your face alot.

I'm not saying don't date... But I would say that you need to really focus on being more confident (again, this is not a cut, cause we ALL felt the hit to our confidence when we got HSV)

When you are more confident, you will be much more at ease dealing with these situations, and other peopls ignorance.

good luck!

fhl,

nik

Answer:
I am so afraid of exactly what you are talking about. I just found out I have this and the guy I have been dating told me the other day that he is terrified of disease and getting sick. He has been taking anti-anxiety meds to help with his abnormal paranoia. Great, I thought.

So far we have only kissed. I am keeping everything else at bay until I can figure out where this is going. Maybe you should too. Maybe you should try to get to know him better before you tell him. Mainly because you work with him and having this come out publicly could be devasting to you. I would just take things slow, really slow until you figure out if this might go somewhere. I have found that most guys appreciate that and find it a turn on. This new guy I have been dating certainly does.

If by taking it slow, you start to form a bond with him you will know. I think you will know when the time is right to tell him. You have to build a certain level of trust first. You probably don't know him well enough to judge that yet. Don't feel bad taking it slow. I slept around so much this last year because I felt like the guys I was with were expecting it. Sure they were, but did I form any meaningful relationships with any of them? NO! My experience is men always respect you more when you keep them at arms length. I have recently just come to this realization. You are not being a tease. You are just trying to figure out if he is worth sleeping with, right? There is nothing wrong with waiting. If they get bored with you because you aren't being sexual enough, then they weren't in it emotionally to begin with.

I feel for you, believe me, I do!

Answer:
I forgot to address the "he's grossed out by STDs" issue. I wouldn't put much thought into that. Everyone is ignorant about Herpes until they have a personal experience with it. That sentence just probably popped into his head and only means he is concerned with the issue, which is good for you really. Maybe he just wanted you to know that he was a cautious person, so you wouldn't worry about him. I am not trying to candy coat it. I just think you should wait to see if you really like him and tell him when you feel you can trust him. In fact, now you have an easy way into the issue, "Remember when you said STD's grossed you out, well...

A lot of people say stupid things at the beginning of relationships. I would take that one with a grain of salt.

Most people don't understand that Herpes is not that big of deal. It is very manageable. When people realize that, they are fine with it.

Answer:
the guy probably said STD, cause he wants sex and that probably something that would gross him out... and given your complication with work... why not stay friends and when you guys are "close enough" then tell him... but i agree telling him and working with him, and only knowing him only for a couple of weeks... there could be complication...


thats what i think anyways..