scared and new to dating with HSV, help!!
I've been seeing a lot of this guy that I really like. This is the first time in probably 8 months that I've felt like this when I kiss someone - I really like him! I just found out about a month ago that I have HSV 1, and although my doctor didn't say so, I'm almost positive I have it genitally. So...what the hell do I do?? I'm terrified to say anything to him. Of course, I know that I have to, and I most definitely will if/when we decide to sleep together. I'm so afraid of being rejected, or being looked at like I'm broken and dirty. Especially by someone I like. I know that having to tell someone I have HSV 1 isn't as bad as having to tell someone I have HSV 2; can I compare it to cold sores and tell him that I pretty much just get cold sores down south occasionally(which is what it's been for me so far)? The few bumps I've gotten didn't even look like cold sores - you couldn't even see them, I could just feel them! I'm on supressive therapy with Valtrex, and I'm going to order this DMSO stuff. I want to make sure I do everything possible to reduce how contagious I am, regardless of how things go with this guy. So, my questions...anyone know anything or have experiences they can share with DMSO? What do I say to this guy? What are the best things to do to keep his mind at ease and not freak him out and everything? I know to give him any info he wants. I need advice and support! Thanks to all who reply!!
I understand your dilemma. I was rejected after telling someone I had herpes. It was very saddening---because I actually got it in a rape. So I felt like I was being blamed for what a rapist did.
I saw on this site somewhere where this man said he didn't get told his wife had herpes until their wedding night. I don't know if there is an "answer" that can top that one---I mean what are you supposed to do? Go through life getting kicked in the stomach? I personally would insist on condoms and maximum precaution in any sexual contact, and I wouldn't tell him unless he asked. I think that's fair so long as you are 100% responsible. That's the way I see it. And its fair under the law.
The other idea I once had was I was going to exchange sexual history related medical records with the next person I date, or insist that they go with me to my doctor to hear first hand what this illness is about and what the risks are. This also ensures that you cant be sued (your doctor is a witness to your telling him).
That's my 2 cents. No matter how "wonderful" some guy seems, he's still just a damned man. And the truth is, that usually doesn't amount to much. I've learned to never have too high an expectation of anything like "acceptance" etc.
I think you should definitely tell him. I agree that telling him at the doctor's office is a good approach....or, you could do something not quite as intense. The first time I told someone I made no mention of having herpes at the beginning of the relationship but insisted that we both have full-blown STD tests when we moved closer to having sex. Once he got his test results back and they were clean, I told him my test results came back positive for HSV2. I then explained that I suspected I'd had it but the test results were my confirmation. Technically, this is true for me because I contracted HSV2 before there were tests and I never had the blood test confirmation. For some reason, delivering the news in a clinical context made it much easier for me. Also, everyone SHOULD be insisting on STD tests before sex anyway so this approach protects everyone involved. Good luck.
First, how did you find out you have HSV type 1? I was diagnosed w/ type 1 on my genitals about 8 years ago from oral sex (I never had a cold sore prior) and my dr did a culture test to be type specific. If you just did a blood test, its possible you've had a cold sore and don't recall.
I like going to www.medhelp.org for type 1 info. Its TONS better then any site I've found. I know for me, I don't relate to any problems/issues that are assocaited with type 2. Because genital type 1 is not on the site of preference you shed less and are less contagious and have less outbreaks. Only about 50% of genital HSV type 1 people have recurrent outbreaks and out of that 50% they generally only have 1. I had only 1- years ago. So I really would not waste the money and having your body get use to suppresive therapy (especially since if your type 1 you barely shed already). Also, if your partner ever had a cold sore (meaning they have type 1 on their mouth) then they cannot get it on their gentials (I should say there's less than 1% chance). That's a debate on these boards but that question has been answered by doctors on the site I gave you and my doctors have also told me. Before you tell your potenital partner- make sure you do have it on your genitals and if so have all the info on type 1 (not type 2) because I have found its very different. Yes- type 1 and 2 share I think 50% of DNA but there are differences- such as shedding, reoccurances, etc. Goodluck.
thank you sandy! i was told i was positive for type 1 and negative for type 2 through a blood test. my symptoms don't match up to type 2 either. i definitely have had cold sores before (not in probably 2 years). my gyno couldn't tell me if i have it down south as well because i didn't have any when i went in for my appt, but i don't know what else they could be. they're small, only maybe 2 at a time, and the only reason i know they're there is because i can feel them - i can't see them. so it's a very minor inconvinience. i'm taking a buttload of vitamins and taking valtrex as i said earlier. i just found out i have it a month ago, so i don't know how often my recurrences would be if i had any - i don't really want to find out! i don't have nay bumps now, so i can't find out if i have it down there. but what else could it be?
any suggestions? i don't want to tell the guy i have something if i don't, and don't want to say nothing if i do have it. should i just say that i may have type 1 genitally, but don't know for sure, but am taking the necessary precautions just in case? should i stop doing suppressive therapy and just do OB therapy instead (the last time i had an OB genitally, i had to do 10 days of 2 pills because it wouldn't go away!). and thanks for the site, i'm checking it out now! thanks for any responses!
I am most certainly NOT a doctor but I'm going to say you don't have HSV-1 genitally. When I had my first outbreak and my one reoccurance it started out with a bump (like a blister) and it opened up. If its just a bump then I'm going to say its not HSV. It is EXTREMELY hard to get type 1 on your genitals when you already have it on your mouth because your body already built antibodies against it. I've only had 2 sexual partners- my boyfriend that gave it to me and my husband and my boyfriend and I has sex during the healing process (careless yes but he figured he gave it to me why not) and my husband and I had sex during my 1 and only recurrent outbreak (we're married so we both don't feel we need to be careful). Both of my sexual partners have had cold sores and neither of them have ever got it on their genitals (you would think since we were sexual active at that time they would have).
Yes, I would advise you to stop supressive therapy. I know when I was first diagnosis- I freaked out and I wanted it and my doctor at the time said no- its type 1 you probably won't have outbreaks and if you do suppressive therapy then if you have an outbreak it might not work plus like I said type 1 sheds less, if any so you don't have to be concerned about shedding and passing it on. She told me to just take a multivitamin (whcih I do). Like I said in 8 years I had 1 reoccurance 4 years ago. I'm sure many will be upset to read this but I've spoke w/ many doctors and they have all told me I need to stop reading about type 2 and look more for type 1 genitally because there are differences. Legally, you don't need to tell a partner about being type 1 postive (type 2 you do) however, I don't encourage that I think its mean. But I guess if I was you I'd be hesitant because I don't think that's what you have. If you do I think you should be honest and say you took a blood test and it came back type 1 positive. Mentioned that you have had cold sores so that could be it. Then explain the differences of type 1 vs. type 2 - less shedding (if any) and less outbreaks (if any). Goodluck!
sandy - thank you thank you thank you! yes, i'm definitely still confused. i'm going to stop doing suppressive therapy and start with OB therapy (if needed, of course). i definitely don't want valtrex to not work when i need it because i'm treating myself improperly(my doc didn't tell me to do suppressive therapy - i know, i shouldn't have done it). after reading your posts and reading the info on the site you gave me, i feel much better! yes, the few bumps i had never opened up or anything of the sort. i think i'll just tell him that i've tested positive for the virus that causes cold sores. in your opinion (because i know that none of us are doctors), do you think that's a good idea - an honest thing to do? i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. how do you even mention the word "herpes" without making it seem like you have the ebonic plague? hahaha. in your opinion, would it be dishonest to say that i've tested positive for the cold sore virus, and only mention the word herpes if he asks what the virus is called? i apologize for all the questions and long posts - i really appreciate your answering them. you've been so, so helpful! hearing your experience with the virus and your partners helped immensely! considering i've always had HSV1 orally, i guess there's a good chance that that's not what it is. but then what is it? i tested negative for everything else! oh well, time will tell. thank you so much and i look forward to hearing from you!
two more things:
i plan on seeing this guy tomorrow, and GOD the sexual tension is building! if possible, i'd definitely appreciate an answer soon!
more importantly -
let me know if this analogy seems accurate or feesable to you:
let's say i have a cold sore on my lip. being that it is extremely contagious during an OB, if i touch it, i can transfer it elsewhere on my body. so, if i touch my lip, then touch my arm, there's a chance(though slim) that i could get one on my arm, and possibly get one in the future(not sure about that part). similarily, if i touch my lip, then touch my vagina, i can get one there as well, for the same reasons that i may get one on my arm, or leg, or stomach, if i touch there after touching the blister. but of course, the blister would choose to form on my vagina because it's moist. does this seem logical to you, sandy?
I'm so confused by your responses now!! :D What makes you think you have type 1 genitally? What made you take a HSV test? Just asking... I know you said you see bumps but getting personal here (answer in your head) do you shave in that area? Could it be razor burn? Could it be an infected hair folical? If the bumbs aren't opening into lesions than I would say its not HSV of either type. But more importantly (since I am not a doctor) have you seen your doctor when these bumps have been there to ask him/her? I was disagnosed because my dr did a culture test on the lesion during my inital outbreak so thats how I knew I was type 1. If your dr has never seen the bumps and they are still there make an appointment (prior to speaking w/ your boyfriend).
I honestly don't know the answer to your second question, sorry. I can only assume that if you had an active cold sore and you touched it without washing your hands then its possible you could get transmit it but again I don't know.
If your Dr sees your bumps and says yes its HSV-1 then just sit down and explain this all to your boyfriend. But I guess if I was him I'd rather know yes or no then maybe I have this maybe I don't. If the bumps are gone and your doctor never saw them and never said you had it genitally I would be very hesitant on telling someone thats what I have because how do you know that- especially since you've had cold sores. I would be honest and say I took an STD test and it came back positive for HSV-1 which is commonly cold sores but it can be on your genitals. However I've had cold sores so I beleive that's why I tested positive.
Also, if you still have these bumps and haven't met w/ your doctor yet I would refrain from doing anything with him sexually. The stories I've read here about partners not telling another partners and infecting them is just robbery- its wrong. Let me know...
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