Question:
I'm going on a 4-5 day trip with a guy. I was tested in May last year and only found out in January that it was positive (my doctor never called me with the results). I have only ever had one known outbreak (last May) and am trying to figure out how I should tell the guy that I'm going on vacation with. I would NOT consider having unprotected sex with him, of course, but I have no clue where the relationship might go (though from the sounds of it, it could continue and turn into something serious). I know I need to tell him, I'm just not sure when. Before we book our trip (we haven't yet)... before we EVER have sex while we're on the trip, or after the trip when I'm more certain of where our relationship might go? I know I need to tell him........ but if I tell him on the trip then it could get really weird. If I tell him before he could totally change his mind and our relationship would never have a chance.... and if I tell him after then he could possibly be really pissed and upset (and infected).

Is it true that even condoms can't protect you?????? If so, this disease is realllllly scary... FOR EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.

How do you tell someone this? I was sort of dating a guy last summer before I knew I had it and he told me one night while we were wasted that he was infected. He just sort of said it... and I felt really uncomfortable and never wanted to have sex with him... though we tried once and he couldn't have sex with a condom... go figure.

So the question is more how to tell him. I can't write it in an e-mail... and I hate to tell someone this over the phone but he and I live 1000 miles from each other and haven't seen each other in years. So I would have to tell him on the phone... He's very mature so would deal well I think but he's also sort of on the conservative side. He would most likely not be interested in being exposed to herpes...

What could I do beforehand to make sure that the virus is supressed?? Are there other things you can do before sex that would help reduce transmission?

Answer:
Another idea on the trip....

We have a three week time frame in which we can go. Since the trip will only be 4-5 days, I could look at the calender and plan it during the week I have my period!! Then we couldn't have sex... it's something I can never fathom doing during that time of the month... and then I could see where our relationship is going without worrying about telling him/stressing our potential relationship.

Does this just sound crazy?

Answer:
Is it true that even condoms can't protect you?????? If so, this disease is realllllly scary... FOR EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.
Condoms do not protect against herpes. It's transmitted through skin on skin contact and a condom only covers so much.

What could I do beforehand to make sure that the virus is supressed?? Are there other things you can do before sex that would help reduce transmission?
There is nothing you can do to keep your partner from getting it if you are shedding viral cells...and you don't know when you are shedding them and when you aren't. There is no way to tell.

You just have to tell him. There is no way you can expect to have a relationship with somone without telling them. It's not fair to him to go on vacation with him if you don't tell him beforehand. He is clearly going to expect sex on this trip...who wouldn't.

I know I need to tell him........ but if I tell him on the trip then it could get really weird. If I tell him before he could totally change his mind and our relationship would never have a chance.... and if I tell him after then he could possibly be really pissed and upset (and infected). You owe it to him to tell him before you get on vacation. You should have told him in the very beginning when you saw things getting more serious. If you have any respect for him and expect this relationship to go anywhere you have to be honest. If you tell him after, he's more than likely going to get pissed off. I would if I were him. If you go on vacation and keep making excuses why not to sleep with him, I would imagine that he is going to wonder what is going on. If you just go ahead and sleep with him before telling him, that's sure to piss him off and possibly infect him. So, you just have to tell him, and you need to do it soon. He may leave and he may not, but you at least have to give him the chance to make up his own mind.

Answer:
I dont think your idea of planning the trip around your period is that bad of an idea. maybe try and not focus so much on the sex. If you guys really like each other you should go on the trip. It might give you a good opportunity to see how well you get along, give you a chance to get to know each other better, and help you to find out if there is any real relationship potential befor you even decide you want to have sex with this guy. you are not obligated to have sex with him just because you are on vacation together. you can even tell him on the trip that you would like to get know him better befor you become intimate and that you hope he's not dissapointed in taking things slowly. I used to worry so much about how I would tell every guy I went out with. Having herpes has helped me to really evaluate the person I am dating and the potential that is there for a real relationship. I had to get over the idea that every guy I went out with needed to know about my herpes right away. I am not interested in having sex with every guy who asks me out. most of them turn out to be tools eventually anyways. you don't owe him anything at this point. you should see how things go and if you really like him and want to be with him then tell him about the herpes, of course, befor you sleep together.

Answer:
The other twist to the story is that we have had sex before... we've known each other for years... and dated two years ago VERY briefly. This was before I was infected. So I know that sex will be expected on this trip.

I just want to find a non-threatening, open, educated way to tell him the truth... BEFORE the trip. The honest truth is that not only do I not want to infect him and possibly really piss him off, but more importantly, I don't want to waste my time with someone who can't/won't deal with it.

The more reading I do on this disease, it's possible that most people have it... most humans on earth... it's so easy to spread and it hides itself well. HSV1/HSV2, scary, yes... but so prevalent that it's almost like "ok, so?" It's not a SERIOUS health threat to the majority of individuals (except to newborns if Mom is having an outbreak at birth)...but in the end, it's a skin disease. It's the stigma attached to it that really gets to people. I've only ever had one problem with this thing in the past almost two years and, according to research, the number of outbreaks goes down over time...

I'm not at all suggesting that I wouldn't tell the guy. I'm only sharing my own experience with it and the fact that I haven't felt stigmatized or paralyzed by it and just sort of feel like it's part of reality. I've felt this way since I found out... since I THOUGHT I had it. There was an afternoon when I first found the outbreak, that I knew I had it, that I felt sorry for myself and felt like shit about it. But I just made a choice to not let this thing control my feelings... I guess it's easy for me to say since I haven't told anyone yet... We'll see what happens when he says no thanks and moves on...