Question:
Dear all,

Hello there. I want to relate to you some news I have and ask some sincere questions. I am asking a lot of people, and most of my (educated) friends told me not to worry about it and not make a big deal of it. Many sites I have found online said that I MUST make a big deal of it. I am posting this online now in the hopes that I will find a variety of educated, understanding, and friendly answers. I know I will. :)

I recently got my tests back for herpes, at Whitman Walker clinic in DC. Now the test was a blood test, and I think it was actually testing for the antibodies (I could be wrong, though). The HSV-1 test came back positive. The HSV-2 came back negative.

Now to my knowledge, I have experienced NO outbreaks in my life. I had chicken pox when I was younger, and I thought that was a mild form of herpes. If I had that, then that explains the antibodies, I think. At the time I was tested, I DID feel itching down around my genital area, but no signs of outbreaks, sores, or blisters. The doctor who examined me at the same time said it looked more fungal and not like herpes at all. True enough, the itching went away very soon.

Still no outbreaks have happened on me, and I can't find any visible sores. If I have any abnormal symptoms of anything, they are as follows:

1.) swollen throat glands (a couple of doctors in the past saw this, and I had a throat culture done a few months ago. Nothing abnormal was found.)

2.) whiteness on the back of my tongue (the doctor saw this too, but is this aptly normal? I thought it was the result of bacteria.)

3.) occasional phlegminess at the back of my throat (this isn't really that much of an issue. again, it feels more bacterial than anything else)

Should I be concerned or worried? Or are my friends right and should I just calm down and go on with my life? I promise to talk to my personal doctor about this at the end of November during my physical (and maybe get another test).

One friend who has HSV-1 and DOES have outbreaks told me that I seem to have a strong immune system, a weak strain of the virus, or something else that doesn't seem much to worry about.



Now the second issue, concerning safe sex.

I understand that it is very very easy to transmit HSV-1 and HSV-2 through kissing, and genital contact, respectively, even when there are no symptoms.

I have heard that most people in the world have HSV-1 (the statistic I'm hearing is 80-90%. Is that reliable?). HSV-2 is less common, but still rampant (statistics, anyone?).

I am a gay male who prefers to avoid anal and oral sex, and go mainly for frottage, which involves penis-to-penis contact (I sometimes like penis against the buttocks, too, without penetration, though).

Now this kind of sex sounds like a breeding ground for herpes, especially with asymptomatic viral shedding. I have been thinking about this for a while, and it seems that there is NO form of safe sex, even if I used a condom (as the shedding can occur in other regions around the genitals). Using a condom during frottage sounds a bit overprotective, too, but I completely understand its upshots.

All this pretty much comes down to the fact that now I feel VERY nervous about being intimate with my friends (whom I like to share frottage with every now and then). I don't want to hurt any of them or infect them with anything. A few are very understanding of me, and some are also telling me not to worry about this so much.

I can't live in a balloon for the rest of my life, but I also now understand why so many people are advocating abstinence. Is that the way I should go?

I write this because, honestly, I love sex (in frottage form, I mean). I am a very touch-oriented and sexual person, and my best friend has told me that I am my most confident and satisfied when I am being sexual/sensual. For me, sex is an important aspect of communication and, more importantly, love, that is perfected when done correctly, honestly, and safely. If I lose sex, I feel that I will lose a great chunk of myself.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be a good, safe person. I thought that my practices were safe, but it seems that even they were not.

I am welcoming all comments and remarks, whether encouraging or scolding, to this dilemma, because I want to make an informed, confident decision, so that, even if the worst happens, I can say, "I made a decision based on lots of research and soul-searching, and I accept the consequences." I want to be a good person even in the midst of a stupid mistake that I make.

BTW, I also want to say that I don't shun ANYONE with an STD, but like most people, my worst enemy is me, and it's hard not to see myself in an idiotic light when diagnosed with an STD. (why it's easy for others, I don't know...sounds very hypocritical).

I'm sorry for blabbing, but this is obviously an important issue for me, and for my friends whom I love dearly.

Please reply if you can. Take care of yourself, and lots of big warm hugs. :)

Svankmaj

Answer:
Sweety I can relate....
Im in a relationwhip with a man that i adore...ive had herpes for three years, been dating him for about 3 months and told him 2 weeks ago..we had been fooling around, however without sex....i thought i was ok...we dont know if he has it..and we re both trying to stay calm, but both a bit frustrated bc we cant seem to get clear answers this issue...

I also dont want to feel like im wrapped head to toe in latex before i can be physically intimate with someone....oral sex with a condom? dental dams? id rather just not do it...as much as i love giving oral...it makes me feel alien...and i feel like even using protection is not enough protection...i think the only way of feeling ok is in feeling some sense of certainty in not passing it to my partner...for now, im just scared to do anything other than kiss him...it makes me feel so goddamn restricted..i hate this...

by the way, ur sytmptoms dont sound like anything to worry about...the phlegm and throat situation...i wouldnt worry...my soreness felt like i was hit with the flu