Question:
Last night I invited a guy over and we ended up having sex. I told him I have herpes before we did anything, but he had never heard of it (his first language is not English, so I'm thinking he just didn't know of the English word for it). I didn't go into details with him about the disease, just told him it's an STD and that if he wanted to stop I would understand. But now I feel kind of guilty for not giving him more info. Where exactly does my responsibility end? Am I a bad person for not educating him about it before sleeping with him? I think I've made a horrible mistake by not telling him more, but it felt so awkward considering we we half naked and kissing. I just wasn't prepared for being with someone who didn't know what it was. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Answer:
Hi,

Welcome to our forum!Wow...you are really far away from most of us here! That's ok though 8)

Try not to beat yourself over this.We all make mistakes.The first partner I had to tell was from another country and English was not first language either.I did explain to him that I had an STD called herpes and asked him if he knew what that was and since he said yes I just assumed he understood what it was.Unfortunatly...I told him after we had sex(with a condom) a few nights earlier :oops:

I was really mad at myself for it.I knew it was wrong and I was really scared to tell him after that.So I sat him down and told him the truth that I thought I had herpes and was waiting for the test results and I explained a little about herpes.It was true I had not gotten the results back yet,but was pretty sure I did have it.he seemed ok with it,a bit mad and got silent for a few minutes but then forgave me for not telling him befor.

The next day though...when I told him the results were negative (I didn't have it) he was happy,but I told him I thought the results were wrong so we still had to be really carefull.I also gave him a brochure in French all about herpes.Thats when he got really mad at me and said I lied about what it was.I failed to mention it was a virus that lives in me forver.I really thought he had understood though.

We ended up breaking up....cuz I found out he was cheating and stuff not b/c of the herpes.

Sorry to have gone on and on but I wanted to share my experience with you.I'm really not proud for not explaining it to him though befor we had sex.Now I know better.

It's hard to start "the talk" but it really needs to be done.It needs to be done and not in a heated moment when your all hot and half naked b/c then your distracted and have a one track mind usually :) I'm not sure when the best time to have the talk is though.I find it best to practice what I want to say and have some brochures ready or some info printed off the net.make sure to tell ask them if they have any questions about it.

Good luck!

Answer:
Thanks for your thoughts. The man I was with the other night was not someone I am starting a relationship with, but rather a one night stand. A bad habit that I have always had, and it's why it was even more difficult to tell him. I know I should stop having one night stands (it's only my second since I got H in the spring) so I can approach the situation more honestly, but every once in awhile I slip and do something like this. I am only hoping that he didn't get it (we used a condom, but I know it doesn't guarantee anything).
Thanks for your understanding. I just hope this guy will be as understanding as you.

Answer:
Wow what a read... I can imagine what your feeling and surprised you took that risk... but everyone's different. I know with myself i could never do what you did... take that kind of chance and risk someone's health. To me I think that within my self ... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if i knowingly gave it to someone else... even if we used a condom. I'd be soafraid that they'd hate me.... there is also a moral issue here... that you can't not ignore.

Answer:
Well, mg, I'm not ignoring the moral issue. I believe I did mention I was feeling guilty about what I did. I know what I did was wrong, and I didn't post the message to have someone pass judgement on me. I can do that well enough on my own.

Answer:
I wasn't paiing judgement one you... sorry if you thought that way. I was commenting on my own thoughts on the subject that is all.

Answer:
I started dating a guy who i've known for a while and we ended up having sex prior to me telling him about having this. I told him the next day, and he was upset but ended up forgiving me for not telling him. We've talked about it a few times. He seems to have accepted it but I want to do everything I can to keep him from getting it(although he may have already). I have been ashamed of this disease since being diagnosed and have never, ever gotten it out. I am so happy to have found this place and to read your stories, advice, and questions. I've never had sex with anyone prior to telling them and I am so embarrassed to have done this to him so I know where you are coming from. Now I wonder if he is with me because he really wants to be or because he thinks that maybe he can never be w/anyone else again? Sorry, I didn't offer you any advice but know how you feel.

Jill

Answer:
i've run thru so many mental positions on this subject it's ridiculous.. like the angel and devil on my shoulder


cuz altho i'm fully aware of how i feel about having this and wouldnt wish it on another person, theres a part of me that realises i got this from my lifestyle and its an accepted risk that people who 'hook up' or have 1 night stands take... i mean, its a sexually transmitted disease.. if you're out fucking, you might take something home.. how it happened for me.. i ALWAYS wrapped up and i semi trusted this girl for some reason and didnt and boom.. only the 2nd time i ever trusted to not wrap up, and my outbreak is on the head so condoms would cover the shedding and thats assuming there WAS shedding at that point... i mean, people who have 'cold sores' kiss and do their deeds when its all clear, and they shed the same as us.. they dont feel the same morality that we feel as they also dont feel the social stigma we get.. i dunno, i can just kiiiiiiinda see how if there was no outbreak, the outbreak was in a condom covered area, you're using a condom, and it's someone who doesnt care and is on the field to play the game, how some people would/could pull that off... fuck, when i was in the dr's office freakin out how my life was over, he said use the rubbers and you're good.. there's info on the internet that says possible this that and the other, but the doc said "use the rubbers and you'll be fine" and altho theres a possibility of something, there is also a possibility of your brakes failing on the high way and your car becoming a torpedo of death.. but people drive everyday and say 'well i'm probably gonna be ok'

at the same time, i'm scared to touch my dick even when i'm not having an outbreak and i always sleep in boxers and i figure i'm not really gonna let anyone near my dick till I'M comfortable near it..

but really, if someone who doesnt know you wants to fuck, altho you know you have something, is it on you to fast forward the trust and expose things you woulda waited a month to see if they could handle? specially when they could very well have something too.. most of the time i hear people talk about 'the talk' its all about us saying 'guess what i got' but its never about how maybe they got something.. some people hide things, maybe thats why they're out having one night stands, cuz they're rolling dice too.. but either way its ALL a roll of the dice, and if someone wants to roll the dice, they will.. you can say 'i have this, dont fuck me if the possibilitys scare you too much' but they're just gonna go have sex with the next person..

i dunno, my mind is goin crazy.. there was this girl i was seeing for a month or so around november/december.. i last saw her like 2-3 weeks before i caught this from an old school fling while home for christmas, and i had to cut her off.. she went back home and i couldnt respond back when she tried to contact me... i was in the heart of being depressed over this and i had nothing to say to her that didnt break me up inside.. and this girl loved me.. BEAUTIFUL, caramel skin, sculpted body, looked like rihanna but with currrrves.. and she was sprung.. woulda married me if i asked her i bet lol.. i dunno about that but it was heavy.. i helped her with somethings and she really looked at me as helpin her change her life for the better and wanted to have me in her life.. shit was a little too deep for me cuz i knew it was only short term cuz she was gonna leave..

well she comes back on wednesday..

i know shes gonna try to see me cuz she probably wonders what went wrong cuz she'll probably have a hard time assuming i played her for a sucker and just ignored her after she wasnt around anymore.. beyond personal indulgence, she's a dancer.. so her body is her career right now, and if i damage the goods, i ruin her money..

i always rant haaaard when i come on this site.. i bottle it up all day around everyone else and you guys are like my faceless buddys lol

Answer:
You make a lot of valid points and sounds like your attitude it on the upswing.