Question:
Hi all,

I have been going out with a wonderful woman for about 3 months now. Early on in the relationship, before things got sexual she told me she had genital herpes (contracted it about 7 years ago). She assured me that her subsequent partners never contracted it, but she doesn't know which type she has (I am assuming it is HSV-2). We used condoms initially at my insistence, but she said she was allergic to latex and plus didn't like the feel of them (when we switched to polyurethane). She wasn't in favor of me using them in the first place.

Eventually, one thing led to another and we started going without them (she is on the patch). A few weeks ago immediately after we had sex she said she felt a little too sore, and a few days after that she had an outbreak. We didn't have sex during the outbreak (and I was away on business) but I've been a little sore ever since (but no physical symptoms). She's been dismissive of my symptoms and doesn't think I have anything. Anyways, since then I've been freaking out a little and she says I've been distant. I asked her that I wanted to go back to using condoms and that has severely damaged our relationship. Perhaps to the point of no return. We did have sex a few times with condoms and I thought things were OK but she still gets emotional about it.

She now thinks that I find her gross and disgusting (which I don't). But I am going to get tested just in case I am one of those asymptomatic individuals. I have not told her this yet because it seems whenever I talk about it it just makes her feel worse. It's gotten so bad that she won't even kiss me. Her self-esteem is in the gutter right now.

I didn't any experience with this disease before I met her and I blame myself for not being more informed before things got sexual as well as going from condoms-->no condoms-->condoms route. I feel like a jerk for backsliding.

For those of you who do have HSV-2, is it common to try to convince those that do not have HSV-2 to go condom-less? And what can I do to convince her that she's not "gross and disgusting", other than to offer to intentionally infect myself at the next outbreak? (I'd really prefer not to do that). Not only do I fear I've destroyed this relationship, but I fear I've damaged her ability to have good relationships in the future. She's a great person and it hurts me that she's so hurt right now.

Answer:
1) let me say that it is cool you are not one of the many men who DO treat a woman as though she is a leper (and visa versa). I am sure in the past that she has had to deal with some real bozos who did make her feel gross and "disgusting".

2) It is your choice to not use condoms. However should you WANT to use them, and choose to "backslide" as you call it, then that is also your choice and she should respect that!!!!

I am appalled that anyone would NOT want to practice safe! I would never EVER put my partner and loved one at risk for this. IF he catches it, then at least we can say, hey, we tried! The times we DID have sex without a condom was solely to procreate and I made damn sure that I was not in the midst of an outbreak. (I never had them at all back then...that is another story).
So it disturbs me that she would be willing to risk things with you. Sounds to me like she is allowing her insecurities to hinder her better judgement. She should not put you at risk. I would never DARE ask this of any partner if the poly-condoms are working, than what is the issue? I almost feel like she intentionally wants to infect you (and NO you do not want this) so that she will feel better about herself. And if she is so foot loose to go bare back with you, was she as carefree with others? Has she had an HIV test as well? Have you? (sorry I don't mean to be harsh, but it is simply because I care and give a shit about people that I give some tough love, ya know!)

I would say go and get the test just for your own peace of mind. Tell her that you care about her, you do not find her disgusting, whatever, but this recent scare had you really thinking and YOU WOULD PREFER to be PROTECTED. IF she can't hang with that, well, then, you need to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't respect YOUR feelings. And she needs to stop with the old "woe is me, I have this, I am so gross, nobody loves me " schtick and be responsible.


That is my ten cents. As a person with HSV2, I would never risk passing it on to another person. And I would respect my loved ones wishes to be safe. :)

Answer:
Preach it Ouch.... I am amazed that:

A... she doesn't know which type she has.... huge....

B... will ask a partner to go with out condoms.... jeeezzz....

C... that she has no respect for the sexual health of her partner....

D... Ummm.... hopefully she advised you that she IS/WAS contagious right before the outbreak... so you were put at serious risk...

E... and finally... that she isn't insisting that you get tested before anyway....


:shock: :shock: :shock:

Answer:
I dont know you and i almost never respond to people post. However after reading your post i felt compelled to reply. This women is crazy. She has no respect for you or her own health. She should be the one telling you that you should wear a condom! I would check into her sexually history a little more. If she does not want you to wear a condom she probly did not want other men that she was having sex with in her past to wear condoms. Please get tested for herpes and HIV.

By the way i am a woman.

good luck

Answer:
this woman clearly has self esteem issues, which have NOTHING to do with you. She was like that way befor she met you and is now putting you on a guilt trip becaue you want to protect your health? how completly selfish! Her self image is so fragile that puting you at risk somehow makes her feel better. if you stay with this girl you will have bigger prolbems than herpes, you will have a needy selfish girlfriend who doesnt care about your well being nearly as much as she cares about her weak little ego. she should be happy that she found someone who cares and accepts her. After a year I use condoms EVERY TIME with my boyfriend. If we decide to stop using protection it will be a decision we will come to together and probably after we are married. If we dont use condoms I will go on supressive therapy to prevent transmission. Sometimes I feel bad about the herpes, it affects my self esteem from time to time and sure I'd rather not use condoms but I respect and love my man enough not to put him at risk.