Question:
I've been with my girlfriend now for quite some time. I first met her in September of 2005, and we waited about three months before having sex. We were being careful, not rushing into anything, but being sure of ourselves as we went along. We allowed each other the possibility of meeting other people for a few months, until just about this Easter when we decided that we were a committed couple. So, we were having sex for a few months before we decided we would close the door on the possibility of other people.

(We were sexually monogamous during these first few months, just not 100% committed.)

So, three months of no sex, about three months of sex just trying on the idea of being committed, and three months of sex being in love and committed to each other.

Now she has just told me she has herpes, and I am really pissed. I am angry because she did not want to trust me with this information before now. And the only reason she told me was not by her choice, but because it came up in conversation, and she found she could not lie about it when the topic was broached.

I asked her if she had herpes - not seriously, because I assumed she would have told me of any STDs - and she found she had to say "yes".

If it had not come up in conversation, she would not have told me until or unless I had an outbreak. Maybe not even then - I don't know.

I am angry because even before we felt 100% comitted to each other, she chose not to tell me. She felt it was OK to expose me to infection even though she knew there was a likelihood that we would NOT end up together.

She felt comfortable with exposing me unawares, comfortable with the idea that I could carry it unknowing into my next relationship if things did not work out between us. This strikes me as a very selfish thing to do!
She did not want to threaten the relationship early on with this information, she tells me. But this makes me angry that she did not feel I could be trusted with this information, angry that she did not feel as if I had a right to include this information in my decision to be intimate with her!

So, it's not the presence of the virus that bothers me, but the lack of honesty on her part. Her attitude, at this point in our relationship, is that since we have decided to be together, what does it matter if I am infected or not?

I feel betrayed that I have to start to deal with this now. This is something I should have known long ago, and I feel as if it's set us back quite a bit as far as trust and honesty go.

She has always been SO upfront and honest about everything in her life that that is how I always thought of her - direct, honest, forthright. Now, after this, I feel as if I don't really know her.

Sigh.

I love her, but I feel that her choice to keep me in the dark was a purely selfish one, and I find my love somewhat frayed by her non-disclosure. It is safer to tell me now, she thinks, because now it's "too late", but instead of finding comfort in that thought, I find her attitude disturbingly cynical and manipulative.

"Don't tell him NOW", she thought early on, "...wait until he's most likely infected, then it will be too late for him to make up his own mind about it".

Don't I have a right to be angry?

I have not experienced any outbreaks, by the way, or symptoms of any kind, so it's quite possible that I am not infected despite so many months of frequent sex. If I'm not, I'd like to do what I can to remain uninfected and continue the relationship with this woman I love.

Any thoughts on this? What is the "ettiquette" in disclosing information about STDs? Isn't honesty the best policy? How does an infected individual think their partner is going to feel about having news like this sprung on them after months of intimacy?

Answer:
I started to write a post to this....and then it erased...maybe a good thing, because I was not very nice in it.

HOWEVER, I will say...she SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU! As soon as you two knew you were going to be sexually active, she should have told you. This is a shady, callow, cowardly thing she has done by NOT saying a damn thing. How terrible. And I know many folks on here would say "oh, but telling is so hard, the stigma, the emotional diress..blah blah blah blah blah ad nauseum". Bullshit. She should have said something long ago and I agree with you that it was manipulative that she DIDN'T tell you.

This is why herpes is one of the fastest growing/spreading STD out there...because people are NOT telling.

I can understand and empathize with her in that telling a potential partner is difficult. it sucks. BUT it is only fair to the person you are with to be 100% honest, rather than risk THEIR lives at our whim.

I will tell you a quick story: My man I am with now....we were dating, had sex in the heat of the moment. (protected) and I DID NOT TELL HIM. In the moment, I felt wonderful. The next day, I felt like SHIT. I came onto here to LEARN ABOUT telling a partner (I dated, but didn't have sex with anyone until I met him...so I never had to tell). I called my best friend. I musteredup the courage and ate a BIG hunk of humble pie. Once I told him, it was such a relief, and I told him that I absolutely understood if he didn't want to be with me, if he was mad at me I deserved, etc.

Fortunately, he was totally cool with things. HE was WORRIED I called him over to break up with him. And while, sure, he was upset about the H, apparently he had done some reading up on STDS at some point in his life so he knew a little bit about it. He was just happy that I was honest with him and I didn't wait around to tell him. He knew we would have to be careful, and a few extra precautions were neccesary, but other than that, he was SO SUPPORTIVE. Like you, it was not the virus he was freaking about. He was more pissed at the ex who gave this shit to me. *(another swell charming fucker who thinks it is ok NOT to tell someone...hoping I would stay with him once I had virus too...nay, I dumped THAT sorry suckers ass!) My man has been my rock...my savior, and I am SO glad that I swallowed my pride and my fear and I told him. I am SO glad that I didn't live a lie. One time was bad enough. God forbid should he and I ever break up (don't see that happening! :D ) I will NEVER EVER have sex again and NOT tell the partner. Not even in the heat of the moment!


So...back to your case...hell ya, you have the right to be mad. ABSOLUTELY! She had lied and betrayed your trust. Screw her fear and all that...she played russian roulette with your sex life.

NOW it is up to you to decide what you want to do. You say you love her, and I am sure you do. You must decide if this relationship can be salvaged from such a big deceit. It all her other qualities are GOOD qualities and you can overcome this lie. You are right, the herpes part is the insignifigant part....it is the betrayal. Do you think you two can bounce back from this betrayal. OR is there always going to be in the back of your mind "hmmmmm she lied about this REALLY big issue that one time...what else has she lied to me about...or, what other information is she withholding?"

You know the lady best....so it is up to you. But you asked about protocol. She should have told you upfront. And , at the very least, in the very beginning of your sexual relationship.

You might want to have some blood tests run to see is you have HSV. May as well check for everything while you are at it. (especially if you HAVE had unprotected sex.) Hopefully, since there were no signs and/or symptoms you will not catch this/don't have it. I am hoping for your sake.

Sorry that I am such an old crummudgeon about this....it just really hit a nerve with me.....I wish you good health and good luck!

Answer:
I agree that it was totally wrong for her not to disclose earlier. If it were me, I would tell a partner before having sex even once (heat of the moment aside-- it's understandable to be swept away).

Luckily, I am in a committed relationship and I haven't had to go through this yet, but who knows, such situation might be in my future and I know it will be scary and take courage. But it is a disservice to the other person NOT to give him or her that information, so that he can make his own decisions about the risks he is comfortable with, etc.

In fact, I think that's why I have this disease today. I wish that my bf had told me about his herpes before we had unprotected sex. He claims that he did not know he had it until I got it, but I have trouble believing him... he seemed very nonchalant about my preliminary H diagnosis, before he had been tested, and yet thought he knew a lot of information, telling me how so many people have it [I for one did NOT, as my initial test came back negative and only the one-month follow-up was positive, after the antibodies had developed] and you can get it from doorknobs [WRONG].

Answer:
It's all about balancing a "need" to feel accepted and loved (through physical intimacy) and an impulse to tell the truth / not to harm anyone. Some people are more needy than others, and so are less likely to tell. Your girlfriend needs to be helped to feel less needy.

Answer:
i was sort of left in the dark with all this stuff
my family sort of encouraged me not to tell anyone ever
and that i was digusting
so no one knows apart from my mother
ive been trained that way i suppose
i feel sick that it is outraged this much
i must be a piece of shit by this stage
im now realising you're supposed to tell
even if you use protection and dont have outbreaks
but im too scared to at this point because ive been with my b/f for a month now, what if he goes off like that dude^^
and tells all his friends and my life is ruined even more

No one has ever spoken of stds in my life
apart from on this site in america or something

Answer:
Musicbee, you are not disgusting. You are a person who happens to have a virus called HSV.

Answer:
Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 2:29 pm Post subject: scared

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i was sort of left in the dark with all this stuff
my family sort of encouraged me not to tell anyone ever
and that i was digusting
so no one knows apart from my mother
ive been trained that way i suppose
i feel sick that it is outraged this much
i must be a piece of shit by this stage
im now realising you're supposed to tell
even if you use protection and dont have outbreaks I am sorry your family made you feel this way. YOU are NOT a disgusting person for having this virus. Nobody deserves this virus, not the most innocent virgin and not the most promiscuous person in the world. It is a shame that you family made you feel this way and told you to keep it a secret and never tell anyone. The did you a great disservice in that manner, but I guess they were only trying to protect you, as parents are apt to do.

Yes, you should tell people you are intimate with, but don't beat yourself up over it, if you truly believed you were being "safe" by using condoms and because you didn't have outbreaks. You were misinformed, to be sure, family and doctors should have given your more information and not scared you into thinking you should be ashamed and hide it. That wasn't fair to you. But at least, now you know and you can educate yourself here on this message board and there are many good links to teach you about herpes too.

As for the current boyfriend, if you really care about him, and he seems to really care about you, then tell him right away. Explain to him calmly about your fears, your misunderstandings, etc. You never know, he might be very cool and very understanding, especially if you tell him about your fears and how you were misinformed about herpes. SO MANY people have herpes, and we are not bad people....we are normal people who just happen to carry this crummy virus in us, and we need to learn how to deal with it.

I hope all goes well with the "talk" with the boyfriend and I hope you are feeling better. :D

Answer:
Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 2:29 pm Post subject: scared

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i was sort of left in the dark with all this stuff
my family sort of encouraged me not to tell anyone ever
and that i was digusting
so no one knows apart from my mother
ive been trained that way i suppose
i feel sick that it is outraged this much
i must be a piece of shit by this stage
im now realising you're supposed to tell
even if you use protection and dont have outbreaks I am sorry your family made you feel this way. YOU are NOT a disgusting person for having this virus. Nobody deserves this virus, not the most innocent virgin and not the most promiscuous person in the world. It is a shame that you family made you feel this way and told you to keep it a secret and never tell anyone. The did you a great disservice in that manner, but I guess they were only trying to protect you, as parents are apt to do.

Yes, you should tell people you are intimate with, but don't beat yourself up over it, if you truly believed you were being "safe" by using condoms and because you didn't have outbreaks. You were misinformed, to be sure, family and doctors should have given your more information and not scared you into thinking you should be ashamed and hide it. That wasn't fair to you. But at least, now you know and you can educate yourself here on this message board and there are many good links to teach you about herpes too.

As for the current boyfriend, if you really care about him, and he seems to really care about you, then tell him right away. Explain to him calmly about your fears, your misunderstandings, etc. You never know, he might be very cool and very understanding, especially if you tell him about your fears and how you were misinformed about herpes. SO MANY people have herpes, and we are not bad people....we are normal people who just happen to carry this crummy virus in us, and we need to learn how to deal with it.

I hope all goes well with the "talk" with the boyfriend and I hope you are feeling better. :D
Yes thankyou I ended up explaining everything and he said he'd be there for me, I was really over joyed and suprised that he wouldnt think of leaving me. I said id understand if he wanted to etc. It has made us closer:) I feel a great weight lifted off me thanks

Answer:
See!!!? That is terrific!!! And I know what you mean, the feeling of relief....as well as having someone to help you fight this virus....When I am feeling bad and having an outbreak, it is so nice to know that I have my boyfriend there to back me up and pick up my spirits.

I am glad that you have such a good, supportive companion. Good luck to you both. :D