Question:
I've known a girl for a week, she's everything I could ask for. She called me crying telling me her ugly history and the fact that she has genital herpes. She breaks out about 3 times a year and knows immediately before it happens. She also said her last two partners didn't catch it (although I don't know how she knew that).

Well, I don't know if I'm a jerk or not, so I'll let you be the judge. As far as I know, I'm not infected (I'll be getting tested though). This girl and I have not had any contact whatsoever. After she told me, I cried all night and day, I really wanted this to work, now this. I sent her a pathetic email saying how sad I was but I don't want to lose our friendship.

I guess I need to hear from people what they think. If I was to pursue this, I'm basically using condoms all the time right? Also, if I am diagnosed with HPV 1 or 2, can I catch either one if I only have 1 of them? Meaning, if you already have HPV1, can you also catch HPV2? Also, if you have a mild form of either HPV, can you get more worse by being intimate with someone who has a more severe form?

Thanks.

Answer:
I guess I need to hear from people what they think. If I was to pursue this, I'm basically using condoms all the time right? Also, if I am diagnosed with HPV 1 or 2, can I catch either one if I only have 1 of them? Meaning, if you already have HPV1, can you also catch HPV2? Also, if you have a mild form of either HPV, can you get more worse by being intimate with someone who has a more severe form?

Thanks. I take it you mean HSV (herpes simplex virus) and not HPV, which is the human papilloma virus (genital warts). Yes you can catch both type I and II herpes even if you have the other already, although, I would think you'd have less of a chance if your immune system is already controlling one of them well.

I believe any new exposure has a chance of creating breakouts, especially if it is at a different region of your body than where you first became infected. In fact you can spread your own infection around your body if you are not careful (for instance touching a blister and then rubbing your eye).

The way one's immune system handles the virus differs from person to person. Just because your partner may have frequent outbreaks, does not mean that if you catch it, you will too.

There's lots of things you can do reduce the chances of acquiring HSV, condoms being one of them. You should read:



Answer:
Thanks aloHa. From what she said, there are no external signs, only inside the vagina. So, I guess it could be HPV (not sure, we haven't talked since I found out Saturday night). I don't want to re-establish communication until I have all the facts. So far, nothing is favorable. But then I think, if so many people have it, better the devil you know (one who knows they have it and knows when the outbreak is coming) than the one you don't (one who is spreading it without knowing they have it).

It is a difficult decision to make, especially since I am compromising my health if I pursue this.

Answer:
Did she say HPV or HSV? There's a huge difference. HPV can go away for one thing...

Answer:
the simple fact that you two have only known eachother a week and she was brave enough and trusted you enough to let you "in" speaks volumes.
she feels safe enough with you to share something like that, and let me tell ya, that isn't easy. she's done the first step which is being honest and open with you, which is respectable on many levels.
the guy i am with now [who doesnt have herpes] only knew me for a week and i told him because i trusted him so much, and he wanted a relationship and telling him was only fair. we took things VERY slow [i'm talking snail pace here], so that we could see if it was something we actually wanted to go through on. For him AND for me.
i really must say that i comend you emailing her to tell her how important your friendship meant to you, rejection is one of the worst fears going through someone's mind when they reveal information like this, and that email more than likely set her mind at ease.
good luck. its a serious matter and i'm not trying to make it smaller, but it really isnt as life shattering as you think it is, and as long as you two are safe and remain friends thats all thats important.

Answer:
Also check out this handbook. It has some good information about transmission rates.
http://www.westoverheights.com/freebook.html

Does she know what type she has. There are two types. Type I generally occurs in the mouth but can occur genitally. If you have ever had cold sores your are pretty much protected from this. Type II generally occurs genitally but can, but rarely occur on the mouth.

If she doesn't know her type she should find out (she can get a blood test).

I'm glad you are getting tested. It's important to find out since at least half the people that have it don't know they have it, which is one reason it spreads. So the statement you made is correct "better the devil you know". If she takes daily suppressive therapy and you use condoms then there is about a 1% chance that you could get it, meaning that there is a 99% chance you might. Can you take that risk? I think those are good odds.

Why did you cut off communication with her? You might want to talk to her about the information she has and anything you find out.

Just curious how old you two are? If you think she is a great girl and this is the only thing tripping you up with her I feel sorry for you if you decide not to go for it with her. Finding a compatible person is really hard and if it's not herpes there will probably be other issues in a relationship that you have to deal with. So if herpes is the only thing, then I'd count yourself lucky.

But whatever you do, be honest with her. If you decide you just can't go there with her, be strong enough to tell her. As strong as she was to tell you. What makes people jerks is how they handle the situation, not what their decision is.

Good luck.

Answer:
Thank you all. I have re-established communication with her. She has replied basically telling me that she can't believe I contacted her because she never thought she'd hear from me again. I told her I've spent so much time researching this and wanted to let her know that I rushed to judgment. I even told her about this forum.

I told her that we are programmed all of our lives to stay away from STD's and avoid people that have it. When I reacted, it was my programming, that's it. I was totally ignorant and reacted as if she wanted to light my hair on fire. Her words about the shame and guilt that she's gone through most of her adult life really hit hard. I couldn't imagine... You have to lay your whole future on the line every time you tell someone you have this 'sex disease'. This has to be so difficult. I've really come to empathise with all of you.

My ignorance guided my reaction. I sent her a long message stating my fears and wanted to know the facts promising to scrutinize each item carefully. She said that she has HSV II and knows when it's coming on so starts treating it immediately. Her ex never got it and he gets tested regularly. Also, she told me that she does get external breakouts, not just internal (all genital of course). She says they are mild and infrequent due to the L-Lysine supplements and various vitamin/mineral/herbs she takes. She can sometimes prevent the the external symptoms, or at least minimize them.

I know she risked a lot to tell me this information and I owe her to find out everything I can about it before rushing to judgment like I did before. Like I told her, 99% of everything I know about her is right and wonderful, it's the 1% that scares me. Once the scale tips, I need to choose that direction. I hope it tips that small 1%, it sure seems the right path to take.

Even if it hurts, I want to be completely open with her. I'm doing my best to overlook the physical and see straight into her soul. I've invited her to stay with me a couple days to see if this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not about the sex anymore, it's about the love and a soul to soul connection. If that's there, everything else just seems to fall into place.

rappaccini's.daughter: Thanks for your words. It's so wonderful to hear that you met someone and he was able to look past this condition. I'll tell you the truth, the 'let's be friend' email backfired bigtime. In my opinion, those words should never be spoken, ever, when you break up. I've heard them before and NEVER liked them. Now here I am telling someone the same thing... she definitely didn't want to hear that her destiny wanted to run away but just 'be friends'. The reason for the email was to keep her in my life, I truly didn't want to be apart from her even though I didn't think we could be lovers.

amy3: I will definitely look at the handbook, thank you. I don't think she takes daily suppressive therapy, but if she's willing, I'm willing to help pay for most or all of it. Quite seriously, I know the odds are against me, but if what's good about her turns out to be everything I ever wanted, then the scale tips in my favor either way and I accept the life I've chosen wholeheartedly. I will practice safe sex and help her eat and live healthy.
I am 36, she is turning 35 soon. And yes, I've been, sometimes brutally, honest with her. I want her to know everything I'm thinking, no holding back.

Answer:
wow, that is awesome. I totally commend you for taking the time to DO the research on this particular STD. For your sake as well as hers. I also want to commend you for being so honest with her. (as she has done with you) as this will save you alot of heartache down the road as well as doing the "what if" game.

Remember that it DOES take alot of guts to tell someone you have this disease. It is a lifelong sentence, and it doesn't help that society looks upon us as though we are lepers. We are also usually are harshest critics, and at times, feel unloved (especially in the beginning when you first find out...oy vey!) She respected you enough to tell you her status, and I am glad that you respect her enough to learn more about HER (as well as this virus which plagues her.....you CAN work through it.)

I think it is awesome that you are willing to help with suppressives, should you both decide to take it to the next level. I wish there were MORE men in the world as caring and compassionate as you have been.

I am one of the lucky ones who also found a good man. I was SO afraid to tell him I had this crap. But once we sat down, and I did, I was SO relieved! I was crazy about him the moment I met him, and I can safely say that he felt the same way. When I told him I needed to have a "talk" with him...he was worried...cuz he thought I wanted to break up with him!!! How funny is that!!!? He was concerned that I had the H but not freaking out. Apparently he has done some studying on STDS in his own time, as he too is an evolved person. The only time I have ever really had bad outbreaks was when I was pregnant (apparently the horomes and the stress, etc, can cause this to happen.) It is wonderful to be able to tell someone close to me , Hey, I am bummed, I think the herps is coming for a visit....and he keeps me calm and level headed. (I still freak out all the time, but at least I have him as well as here to bounce things off of, ya know!!?!?)

Something else to consider: Herpes IS an STD that does not go away....kinda like being caught with the hand in the cookie jar if you will, so it forces one to be brutally honest with themselves as well as those they are intimate with.....think of all the STDS out there that CAN be cured with a shot or pill, whatever...makes it a little easier to lie or tell a fib doesn't it? What I am saying is, there are SO many folks out there with STDS or who HAD them....they might have just got "lucky" and obtained one that was curable. Next time they might not be so lucky. I worked at Planned parenthood many years ago, and you would not BELIEVE the people who would come in with VD, etc....not once, but SEVERAL times! They just didn't learn!!! Over and over again. And these were people of all walks of life....people you wouldn't "expect" and who put on all sorts of airs, and drove the best cars and had the best clothes etc. Yet, here they were, time and time again, with the new STD of the week. These same people looked down at someone who had HIV or HSV.

I am sure they eventually learned the hard way. I don't know, I had to get out of working there, as I got too frustrated with ignorant people. THAT is a whole different story! :twisted:

Answer:
Thanks for your words and stories ouch. We have been getting along better than ever. She has lifted this great weight of telling me off her shoulders and I have accepted things as they are. She's too great a girl for me to let some skin condition get in the way of our future. She's even starting a strict diet and supplement program to accomodate my fears. Boosting her immune system and keeping healthy should keep the outbreaks to a minimum and the chances of me catching it less.

If I do end up contracting this stuff, I am fortunate to have found such a support group online. Of course, my girl would be my support but it's nice to have such a community.