Question:
Hi,
New here. I am deeply in love with a man that needs a lot of help. We met 3 and half years ago and it was unique and beautiful. We are both in ours early forties now. Life was not easy on him and I had a pretty challenging life myself too. Right after we became intimate he told me of some ' bumps' he had in his lower abs. At that time I had no idea at all of what was that and he also was clueless. We thought it was some kind of skin irritation or infected ingrown hair. I was so happy that I met him that I never could imagine what was to happen. The ' bump' episodes came back with time and we realized we were facing something more serious. We both researched a lot and later we were led to believe it was genital herpes. When that happen, I was extremely worried and confused. I never had any history of this in my life and never experienced any sympthoms of any sort. He told me he had NO SEX for 8 years prior to meeting me. To be honnest, I felt scared and really thought about breaking up with him. I then realized that I was truly in love with him and more than anything I wanted to stay by his side and seek for understanding and help. We faced many ups and downs. He is very strong on natural heatlh and refused to seek a doctor. So he went through several alternatives treatments. Some of them brought relief of episodes. I read all I could find about HSV2. To this day I never had any sympthom and last year I went to see my own doctor(gynn) for routine tests. I had an open conversation with my doctor who explianed this issue to me in details. He did suggest to encourage him to seek conventional medical treatment for its good results. He used accyclovir for 5 days in January this year and we did note improvement. Now, the whole realtionship has suffered. It was pretty damaged. He is in deep depression and I simply cannot help him anymore. He balmes the whole world and the fact that I stayed by his side does not help him to want to get over it so we could find a way to cope with this and move on with our plans. We never moved on to a committed relationship. Sometimes I feel like he blames me inside. I feel quite lost and hopeless. I love him with all my heart still. We have had good phases and very bad ones too. Recently he had another episode. He feels dirty and angry( as he says). He is into a very deep depression and I cant help him anymore. I begged him to seek medical help and counseling. I feel very worried about him. For a long time I felt ' guilty', but after I talked to my doctor and understood the problem I didnt think it was impossible to get over it. I have heard of many people who could get over it with time. The only thing I wish is to see him happy and positive again. Unfortunately we are not together anymore and I am trying to pick up my pieces after 3 and half years of broken hopes. It has become for me impossible to be around him without getting very hurt. He is in my thoughts and prayers every single day. When I found this website I felt like writing hoping that other people who also cope with partners like mine could share with me some thoughts.

Answer:
I am sorry you are dealing with this, but you have tried as hard as you could to help him and like any other problem, people cannot be helped if they dont want to help themselves. I was also wondering if you have been tested via herpes specific blood testing to know if you have it also, but are one of the millions who is without visible symptoms. Either way, all you can do is let him be and if he needs you then you could try and offer support but it is a very hard thing to experience....more mentally than anything I think. It is a very upsetting thing. I also was wondering since he is so into alternative medicine if he has seen or is seeing a naturopathic doctor, as there are many amazing remedies out there to help with the depression he feels as a result of the disease. I am currently trying this method out and while I still have my continuous symptoms, the remedy chosen for me has helped me a lot with feelings of disgust, depression and anxiety surrounding myself and having the disease. I was ready to end my life, but with this I have hope. Thought Id mention it as a suggestion he could try, even if you are not with him anymore....it might save his life. PM me if you are ever interested in talking more.

Answer:
I am trying to understand...

Did he get HSV from you or did he already have it? Is he having a hard time because you didn't reveal your HSV status and he now feels betrayed?

Do you have HSV and if so did you know about it before exposing him?

Answer:
Im sorry I was not clear. I did not have HSV I or II before meeting him and so far after 3.5 years I still dont have it. At the time I literally had no clue he was having a HSV outbreak and he ddint know also. We both thought it was something else and I was never worried because I had no reason to be. Later, we found out that it was HSV II and at this point I did not ask if he brought it or not. Yes I was scared and confused for his health and our future together because I wanted a future with him and aslo because I did not have much information on HSV myself. After 3.5 years of dealing with this and researching all I could, I am now only worried about his deppression thats all. I Thought that in this website I could find people who are dealing with this issue too and would want to share HOPES and information too, not blames.

Answer:
Understanding why he is depressed is important. Some people can't handle the thought of having an incurable contagious virus, some can't handle the thought of being betrayed. He seems to fall into the first category since you clarified that for me. I can relate to his situation in that I had abstained from sex for a long time and like him I am also into health. Someone who is always thinking about improving themselves and staying healthy is more likely to become affected and depressed, than say someone who sleeps around a lot and leads an unhealthy lifestyle.

Basically I was trying to figure out... what is it about HSV that is making him depressed? Because his options are more limited now? Because he thinks he can't have kids now? Because he's afraid of infecting you/others?

Also be aware that HSV tends to be the last straw for some people, and if a person is profoundly affected by HSV, likely they had a lot of issues before they were infected and the HSV was the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. Maybe he needs to talk out all of his issues with a professional, his HSV AND the other things that lead up to him to becoming so affected by it.

Hope I am making sense.