Question:
Hi everybody, this looks like a great place!

Alright, here's my story. I'd love some feedback on this issue since dealing with something like this is a whole new can of worms for me!
So, I've been dating a girl for a month or so and I really like the way things are going. She's bright, motivated and funny - a really great girl it seems. Before the other night we'd gotten physically close by kissing and stuff, and I performed oral sex one time.


So the other night we're in my bed and things are moving along when she says she has something she needs to tell me. It took her a long time to get it out (understandably!), and when she did I had the information that about a year ago she'd had a weekend fling with a guy who didn't have, but was about to get a cold sore. She also told me that since the initial occurrence (which she said was a nightmare) it hasn't come back even once. She said that she needed to tell me these things before we had sex because she really likes me and she'd hate for me to have to hear about it later and then hate her for not letting me know. I was pretty happy with how I reacted to her - I was very understanding and affectionate. I repeated over and over again how amazing it had been of her to tell me (knowing full well she could have easily NOT told me and then just said she didn't know she had it if it was ever passed on). She also told me something that I've since found to be a little less than true though. She said that it can only be passed on during an ob or within three days prior to an outbreak, and that otherwise sex with condoms is OK. We ended up having sex (with a condom, obviously) twice because I believed her. I now know that what she told me was true - but not the WHOLE truth - it CAN be passed on between ob's through viral shedding. She's a VERY smart girl, and I find it very hard to believe she'd be at all misinformed about something like this.


So my concerns are:
1. That she allowed me to perform unprotected oral sex on her before I knew of her situation.
2. That she didn't tell me the whole truth about the possibility of transmission (possibly forgiveable due to how difficult it was to tell me in the first place?).


I'm not really worried that transmission could have occurred as I know the chances of that are slim, but I'm more concerned from an honesty/relationship standpoint. I'm aware that this girl REALLY likes me and that telling me at all must have been extremely difficult, AND that she really didn't HAVE to tell me - so even though I have concerns about how she handled it, I have a great respect for the fact that she handled it at all.


Any opinions or advice on this situation are GREATLY appreciated!! After I sort through these initial issues that I have I may very well have some more questions for you all. Thanks so much in advance!

Answer:
For starters many people are grossly misinformed about hsv how it is contracted and spread. This is furthered by the fact that most people who are infected don't know they are because either they weren't informed by a partner or they thought they had been tested for all std's and simply weren't tested for hsv.

There are medications that cannot prevent hsv 100% but can reduce the chances of spreading it to someone and reduce the frequency of ob's. You may have seen the Valtrex commercials. It is one form of antiviral medication that she can get a prescription for to help protect you from infection.

Condoms will not protect you 100% against hsv. they can only protect the areas that are covered by the condom. Many genital hsv infections are not on the penis or the vagina but in the genital area.

Hsv is contagious during active ob's and during asymptomatic viral shedding.

Yes you could have contracted oral hsv from performing unprotected oral sex on her. If you did you could re-infect her or infect someone else when performing oral sex on them.

There is no cure for herpes.

Answer:
For starters many people are grossly misinformed about hsv how it is contracted and spread. This is furthered by the fact that most people who are infected don't know they are because either they weren't informed by a partner or they thought they had been tested for all std's and simply weren't tested for hsv.

There are medications that cannot prevent hsv 100% but can reduce the chances of spreading it to someone and reduce the frequency of ob's. You may have seen the Valtrex commercials. It is one form of antiviral medication that she can get a prescription for to help protect you from infection.

Condoms will not protect you 100% against hsv. they can only protect the areas that are covered by the condom. Many genital hsv infections are not on the penis or the vagina but in the genital area.

Hsv is contagious during active ob's and during asymptomatic viral shedding.

Yes you could have contracted oral hsv from performing unprotected oral sex on her. If you did you could re-infect her or infect someone else when performing oral sex on them.

There is no cure for herpes. I really appreciate your quick reply, but this is stuff I already know. I'm more interested in hearing responses to some of the concerns I expressed in my initial post.

Answer:
k, rick, lots of this people on this board are very morally correct and overly paranoid and highstrung, myself included... that doesnt mean that cuz you found this circle of people talkin about it that everyones sayin the same thing... the only thing thats keeping me from doin what everyone says i should is the 'what if' factor.. some people dont know this factor exists or the reality it holds.. basic deal is she could be smart as fuck and not know anything cuz this is a managable skin disease.. thats why most people that have it dont know, cuz everyone thinks herpes is some cauliflower dick shit and its just some bumps.. people think 'that cant be herpes, i'd know if it was herpes' but it is..

only thing i'd have the beef with is the unprotected oral, but thats also up for grabs, cuz most people say that if you have it downstairs it wont transfer to the mouth.. this is cuz a) most already have hsv 1, and b) the belief that types are area specific.. now theres info out there to proove everything right/wrong anyone ever thought , so who knows, but she probably was acting on what she knew

and/or what she knew that made life at least semi liveable... its like if you're an and1 basketball player and you got mad skills and you get in an accident and end up in a wheel chair.. cant you at least play wheelchair ball? no more crossovers and 360 dunks, but maybe a simple chest pass for a layup?
all i'm sayin is there is a risk in anything.. at least this girl said 'yo, i got this, everything SHOULD be ok' which is all anyone can ask for.. cuz when you fuck aaaanyone, know that everything is that far away.. it can ruin sex. but it shouldnt, cuz at the end of the day its a managable skin condition..
we ride elevators and all they are is strung up boxes of death..

shit happens.. at least you got a heads up.. decide whether or not you wanna stick around.. youre PROBABLY good right now..

be smart, ask next time.. i always never asked just cuz i hadnt been checked, i knew i was good but i couldnt proove it.. then the ONE TIME, ONNNNEEE TIIIIMMEEEE i didnt have a magnum with me, i hit this girl from high school, wake up the next week with burning pee...

all in all, what i learned is that our society is fuckin like jackrabbits, we all wanna get laid, but no one wants babies or stds and the shit is happenin.. cold sores on the mouth are a piss off but are more of a social situation then a medical one.. as long as you can trust the persons logic, you should be ok to be honest.. that being said, i trust almost no one of the opposite sex.. specially not now lol..

ask if you got lied to or if you got not fully informed..
that should decide how you feel about the situation

Answer:
Rick - KWEST gave the information straight and I like to present it as if you can read between the lines and have done your research.

So I'll simplify what I said. She may not have known how easily it is to transmit hsv to you or others. If this is true do you blame her? I don't know if she knew she was purposely exposing you during your vacation down the hsv oral slip and slide. If I did that to you you can rest assured that I knew you were taking a risk and I let you do it because I was selfish at the moment, wanted to get some and maybe secretly hoped you'd get it so you wouldn't walk.

btw oral hsv can cause encephalitis and viral meningitis and is not so benign as many would like to believe.

My guy does not have hsv. I found out after he and I had sex for 2 years that I was positive. Major bummer. We have never used condoms this could cause some major guilt but can't undo the past. Would I want to infect him no. Have I ever in the heat of the moment wished that I didn't need to concern myself with hsv. Hell Yeah.

If someone didn't want to be upfront about std's and discuss options or risks of getting fancy with me would I go for it and not tell them? Maybe. But now that I know how this works I realize I played std roulette and I got hsv it could be so much worse it could be hiv. Do I trust new guys I meet? NO WAY! You can't tell someone has a disease by how they look or how smooth they talk. I will not be so trusting in the future and just because she admitted to having hsv doesn't mean she doesn't have something else.

I initially didn't want to be so blunt. There are a lot of people on here who don't think they'll ever find a partner again because of their hsv status. You prove that there are guys out there who are willing to go there even if the girl might not be a keeper.

Does that better answer your question.

Answer:
dont fault her for it.

i dont know, maybe the oral.. i wouldnt have let that happen without disclosure first personally, but you have to understand how hard this can be. saying SOMETHING means she cares, she wants to do the right thing. saying everything is even harder. and in our position, even a smart girl may read things favorably. i know i have convinced myself that since i have noticeable outbreaks when i have them, and i am aware of my body, no shedding is going to get past me and affect anyone i know.

but i also know that probably isnt true. that there is no 100% way to be sure.. but one makes it a lot easier for me to live and try to love people.