Question:
Hi all,

I am a new-to-being-open-about-having-herpes person. My name is Debbie, and I have herpes. (Hey! It's just like the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings! :lol: ) I contracted it through an ex-boyfriend who I dated for almost five years. He lied to me about his sexual history (having said that he always used a condom) and also told me that when he went to flight school, they tested him for everything and he came up clean. In any case, we were three years into the relationship before we had unprotected sex. It didn't take long to contract the virus after that, and I soon found myself, after he entered flight school, dealing with the agony of a first outbreak.

It was funny, because at the time I wasn't angry at my boyfriend. I felt strongly that you shouldn't blame people who are diseased, whether they do something to acquire it or not. I guess I have that attitude because of my education with regard to AIDS--I saw a lot of people with AIDS, who, regardless of the fact that they may have had unprotected sex, I felt didn't deserve it. Nobody ever deserves to be diseased, I reasoned, nobody would ever ask for a disease (nobody in their right mind anyway) so it wasn't right for me to angry, or to take the blaming route. With a disease, I felt, there is nothing to blame but the disease.

I realize now, --heck, even as I write this--that this kind of reasoning is wrong. I recently broke up with the man who gave me herpes, and I am feeling a suppressed anger swelling up in me. I feel so resentful! It makes me feel bad...I am not a resentful person...but I think I felt that I didn't have the right to be angry, to be resentful. I guess my first question would be, and this will probably sound so stupid, but do I have that right? How do I reconcile what I believe of diseased people (as being victims of a disease) and this anger I am now feeling? Because I feel that he should have told me more about his sex life. I feel that it was irresponsible for him to do otherwise.

And I guess I don't know how to cope with that. I didn't feel dirty for a long time, because I stayed with him and so the herpes business wasn't really an issue. When I had an outbreak, we refrained from sex. It was pretty much that simple. Now I just started dating another guy and I told him I had herpes--he ran pretty fast in the other direction. He told me he wanted to be friends. He's a nice guy, but now I am angry at him too. I feel like I was brave and I handled finding out about this disease pretty well--I even stayed with my ex- for another two years, and I never blamed him for giving it to me! I really had an amazing attitude about it. But with this guy who just ran away, I have feelings of resentment (resentment that I told him, resentment that he rejected me) but I also feel superior to him. I feel that I seem to be able handle issues--tough issues really well--and I find myself thinking (and please guys who read this--don't get mad at me for thinking these bad thoughts and stereotyping...I am dealing with anger here),
"what a weenie!" And my second thought is, "Are all men like this? Not as strong as women?" Because I feel that I am stronger...heck! I was the one comforting my boyfriend for giving me the disease when I found out I had it!

I don't know. I am struggling with lots of feelings here...trying to stay positive...trying to stay strong. I guess I am experiencing a welling up of long-suppressed feelings that I didn't want to admit while I was in my last relationship, cause that would have meant admitting it wasn't right for me. And that would have been too much to deal with at once.

Anyway, please men and women, reply if you can. I would like to hear some uplifting stories of men, perhaps, who stuck around? Of men who are responsible about their bodies and making sure it doesn't affect their partner? (One of the reasons I contracted herpes was because my partner did not want to go to the doctor. He did not want to go to the doctor to find out what these wierd blisters were on his navel because it would have meant the military wouldn't let him fly his jet for a few days.) Of men who put their partner's health first? And from women, how do you handle it? How do you deal with rejection? With what I consider an unfair contracting of the disease? How do you deal with the anger? Is it okay to be angry? How long does it take to go away? Is there anyone I can talk to about this? Does dating ever get any better?

I would really appreciate any and all advice.

trying to stay positive,

the-new-to-being-open-about-herpes-person,

debbie :D

Answer:
Debbie,

Your post was so touching and honest. Thank you for that. I am currently waiting on the results of a blood test I took, so my HSV status is unknown. I will say that coming to this message board has opened my eyes in a myriad of ways, and even if my results are negative, I wouldn't think twice about dating someone with HSV. I say all that to say that you will find someone who will accept each and every part of you. My best friend who was HSV2 and gential warts and she's been in a relationship with her boyfriend, who is HSV2 negative, for almost four years now. A lot of the problem with herpes is plain and simple mis-information. A lot of people don't realize thow common the disease is, and that really it's just a skin disorder. Most people have no symtoms and don't care to get a blood test to find out their status.

I'm sorry that the guy rejected you, but that's his problem. I know you are feeling vulnerable right now, but there is someone out there who won't care about the fact that you have herpes.

Take care

Answer:
Debbie,

Because you're going to be "telling" now and haven't had to face that before, I'll start with some statistics to help you out. If you are on suppressive therapy (400 mg. Acyclovir 2 x a day or Valtrex), use condoms during sex, and avoid intercourse during outbreaks, there is a 98% chance of your partner NOT gettting HSV-2 from you. So, slim chance of transmitting. Very reasonable risk. About 25% of us have HSV-2, but only 10% have been diagnosed. The other 90% don't have symptoms they recognize and are merrily spreading herpes without a clue that they have it. Tell the next guy that 1 out of 4 women he meets has it but that most of them don't know it, and they SURE aren't doing anything to protect him. So, he can pass you by and walk right into it on the next encounter. This is a fact. To learn more about herpes, go to:
http://www.westoverheights.com and read or download the Herpes Handbook. You'll be glad you took the time.

Back to anger and other issues. Because you were in a LTR with your BF, you passed over the initial emotional issues surrounding a herpes diagnosis. Now, you are experiencing a delayed reaction. Anger, denial, depression, a sense of immeasurable loss - all are real emotions many people diagnosed with herpes face. Counselling and support groups can help a lot. If those things aren't working for you, a lot of people try short-term antidepressant therapy. There's nothing wrong with that approach, especially if you find yourself isolating or wearing your pajamas much too often. So, your feelings of anger are perfectly normal, because now that you are in the dating mode again, it's like a new diagnosis with new diagnosis emotions.

Take it one day at a time and recognize that you are a unique person with a lot to offer. Herpes really isn't a big deal. It's just a social stigma we deal with, and that stigma is based on ignorance, not reality. Hang in there and keep asking questions and get support!

Answer:
It's my understanding that yes men are weenies! they say yes, yes, everything's fine and then something bad happens, and they run! Say goodbye to that one because if you got the flu he would run away.

My reasoning is that men are colonizers, they seek out new countries, bring their traditions with them and are always looking for fertile ground. Women tend to protect what they have. At least they are conditioned to be happier with themselves if they do. Men are taught to bail out of bad situations to protect themselves, maybe to colonize new countries?

Take heart, that your ex boyfriend did not give you HPV, herpes does not cause cancer. Most people I have met have herpes, or if they don't they don't seem concerned about it-unless
it's a weenie!

fiestygirl

Answer:
Hey debbie,
I just got diagnosed two days ago with H. I started dating a new a little over a month ago. I told him today what happened and he was shocked. Apparently on his trip to baltimore for a wedding he slept with someone. I wasn't so shocked...thanks to other charming men. And lucky for me, I got her herpes. He had no symptoms when we had intercourse and still doesn't. When I told him today, I didn't feel angry at him, I didnt care that he slept with someone, and I didnt even blame him for this.
Now that the talk is over I am angry, but primarily I think that my lack of emotion means that I've accepted my infection. So Im hoping the same is for you, because this makes things easier. You begin to feel in control and that you can manage your infection. At first the overwhelming "what ifs" torture you. I had to wait two excrutiating days to find out my diagnosis. Until you do extensive research, youbelive you lovelife is over and that children are out of the question. Now I feel stronger and I respect myself more. While I agree with you that nobody deserves an infection, It was my fault for not being honest with myself. I felt invinsible. Afterall, why would I get an STI??? Well, I learned my lesson and a much bigger one than that of safe sex. Now I care about my body. This is the only one ive got!
I think we can all agree that the majority of guys suck--big time. They lie and do anything to get their way whether or not they intend to. At least now we know to be more cautious and protective of our bodies and minds. The good ones are out there somewhere!

Keep positive! Life goes on and life is great!!
Thanks for sharing your story,
Izzie

Answer:
hi debbie, i'm Lauren....

i found out my case around a week ago and the tears are burning my cheeks as i type this. my mum is my best friend, shes been as supportive as she can but ive been looking for people to talk to who are just like me. ive cut myself off from the normal world now, looking at my birthday photo's only last month i was healthy and clean of this virus. now its with me forever and i'm a dirty dirty person. yeah, i look lovely when i'm out nice high heels lovely dress but underneath all my lovliness i'm infected with herpes.... i know i should think about all these cancer, aids, burns victims but does or will it ever sink in? i would love to find a support group where you all sit in a circle.... i'd hold the nearest person so tight and just cry through my broken heart. please help me debbie. what do i do now

Answer:
Debbie and Lauren and all other women out there:

Lift up your heads and be proud of who you are--a beautiful person and a part of this universe. You simply have a virus that so many other people have. I have HSV1, but I also have cancer, which is in remission. I also have to tell a potential boyfriend about my cancer--many people can't deal with that either. But who cares? You just go on and live your life and take pleasure in all the things you have always enjoyed. The right person will come along--believe me. All those who run are not the right person. And ladies, finding a man doesn't have to be your goal in life. We are not defined by the men we date or sleep with. We are strong and beautiful women, in our high heels and under our skirts!!!

I wish I could be with you both to hug you and tell you that there are worse things in life and that it's up to you to live a full and productive life--your happiness and your orgasm do not depend on a man! Be happy and be beautiful!!!!! I love you both! We shall prevail!!!!!

April

Answer:
I understand where you girls are coming from. i am in the same boat. hte difference is, i am the one that is running. i have H, i dont want my friends to know, and especially the ones that u care about. i am going to be honest and tell u that i am a bright girl, but i made some mistakes in my years (not that i am old, just 18, almost 19). i was with my boyfriend for some time, and i believed that he loved me, he told me that he did not have any diseases and that he was clean (i believed him). then he cheated on me, and well, we called it quits. about a couple of months later, i started to see another gentleman (out of spite to prove that others love me too), and well our relationship moved rather fast and within a couple of months, we had slept together (mistake). here is my problem. i know that one of the two gave it to me, i just dont know which one. i think that it was my ex boyfriend who cheated on me b/c he had a bad reputation in town, but i dont want to blame him for the chance it might be the other guy. i told my best friend (who was a guy, and i know had more then just friend feelings for me..he told me), and well since, he has stopped speaking to me, which tears me up even more. this has all happened in less then a year, so my emotions are like a rollercoaster right now. i have run from a really great guy out of fear of telling him b/c i will hurt him and he will run or/and he will tell others that i have H, and i dont want that either. i am scared, confused, upset at myself. i am still a happy woman, i have fun, i laugh i smile, i live life... i am not dead, i just have a virus. i just want to not be scared of the virus. i am ready to find that one special person, but i dont want anyone to know (even tho they have to know to be w/ me), so i am kinda in a pickle to, and would appreciate any advice too ladies!!!!

betty!!

Answer:
hi April... thank you so much for your reply. i'm sorry to hear about your condition. its so nice to know that someone/people are listening and theres no shame or embarrassment because we're all the same. for me, i feel relaxed and secure. its early days, hence the tears and anger and ive just realised ive got a small patch of H on my thigh, which the internet confirmed. i know its not not half as serious as some cases, such as yourself but its so hard to sink in. i nearly burst into tears reading the replies because you guys actually care, thats so lovely to me. ive decided theres going to be one man in this world who i'll tell, and hes going to be the man i'm with forever because hopefully he'll accept me. until i find him, i'm going it alone. i dont parade my emotions around, at work and out and home i'm a happy girl. i let it all out on here. thankyou for being there. much love xx