Question:
So thanks to a friend of mine I actually got a link to this website which to say I've needed it for a while now. I've probably had herpes now for almost a year. And it seems to just keep haunting me, I'm having real problems dealing with it. A year later I still feel ugly and alone sometimes. I keep going back to the guy that gave it to me because it's convienent and comfortable but he doesn't make me happy. But I guess I think I'm happy because I'm with someone who's like me and it makes it easy. I keep feeling disgusting and just a month ago I actually went out with someone who didn't have herpes. I was ok with it at first but then came to find he had some concerns he expressed about it and it made me not want to be physical with him at all and shut myself up and break up with him. I have a really hard time wanting to have relationships because of the fear of having one and then what if I transfer it? I could NOT live with myself! I always live in the pattern of I don't care about myself but want to protect everyone else. Protecting everyone else involves me staying away from guys who may treat me well because I dont want to give them what I have. The recent boyfriend I had told me he wouldn't care if he got it and that it'd be worth it. But I know from my own personal experience you can say that all you want but ultimately you'll regret it. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to love myself? On how to get away from the person that gave it to me so I can learn to live a healthy life? Suggestions on being with someone who doesn't have what you have? I will appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

Answer:
Hey there. First of all, I think we all know how you feel, even those of us who have dealt with and accepted our plight have up and down days ( I do ALL THE TIME!)

I too, tend to be a protector. but something you said concerned me. You think about protecting others before protecting yourself. That is wrong my dear! YOU should be the A number 1 most important thing to you! It is good (and admirable) to want to protect others and/or shelter them, but at the same time, you HAVE to help yourself and find inner peace and happiness. It sounds to me that you may have already had some underlying issues that need to be dealt with, and the herpes has just heightened this. I would STRONGLY urge you to get counseling. You deserve happiness and peace and love in your life. Sometimes it takes us longer than others to deal with this "stuff", and that is ok, but at the same time, your feelings of inadequency scare me, in that you be in relationships with people who are not worthy of you, simply because you do not feel worthy of THEM. Please please please, do not let that happen to you!!! you are not tainted or dirty.....you (like me) have a rotten little disease that many of us have.

I will tell you, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is NOT afflicted with this; we have a baby and a lovely life together. He has been my rock of gibraltar and keeps me calm and cool, especially during times that I am having an outbreak. It is actually a RELIEF to have him to vent to about it. I think my venting/bitching makes it go away faster! HAHAHAHA !

This guy who liked you sounds like a good fella. He cares enough about you that he was willnig to say "to hell" with your problem and try to be in a relationship with you. Talk to him again, take it slow. Tell him that you are still dealing with/healing from finding out you have it. I bet he will totally understand! All I can say is if you do become intimate, practice safe sex, and just watch for signs of a potential outbreak. Listen to your body! Like I said, my man and I have had sex (no condoms....we were trying to make a baby! :wink: ) and he is still ok. Now we use condoms again and I just try to keep in tune with my old body and make sure that I am not beginning to have an outbreak.

I hope you get help for the depression you have, and I wish you luck. Let us know if you talk to that nice man again! Good luck!