Question:
hi all. I'm new to the board but I have been dealing with having herpes for over 10 years now. I am not sure what's taken so long for me to get on here, but here I am now.

I think it's great that there is some sort of forum for people to talk about the virus and how it's affected them and since this is not something you can really discuss with just anyone. I guess that's what drove me here - I think after 10+ years I am finally ready/need to discuss the virus that has completely turned my life upside down. I make a huge point not tell anyone that I have herpes and because of that I really feel it affects how I interact with others; especially members of the opposite sex.

I lived with someone for close to 6 years and she was totally accepting of me and me having herpes, but we are no longer together. But as I re-insert myself into situations where I am interacting with people that could be possible dating candidates I am finding that it is affecting the entire dynamic of the relationship and how the relationship is formed. What I am saying here is that as I get to know someone I am always thinking these things - when is the right time to tell this person? can I trust this person? what happens if they reject me (after spending all this time just trying to get the relationship to a point where I feel I can trust this person and I feel this person would care more about me than the virus)? will they feel that I deceived them by not telling them earlier on in the relationship?

always knowing that in the back of mind that I am going to have to tell someone that I have herpes is a bitter pill to swallow and lately I have been wondering if I should just tell everyone I know that I have herpes and just totally own the fact I have it. That seems like it could be very liberating to me..... but it's kind like jumping off a diving board - there is no stopping once your in the air. has anyone ever done this? how did it work out for you?

I have been burned in that past by telling people whom I thought were my friends, but they went behind my back in no time to spread the gossip (but we were all really just kids then and I no longer live in the state). But being burned and going through the experience of that has also played a role in just how tight I keep my mouth shut about my herpes as well.

I am ready to move forward with my life and I realize that I have never effectively dealt with my herpes and I don't think I can truly move forward until I can come to terms with it.

Hopefully this forum will/can help me.

Answer:
:evil: I had the same experience with gossip and busy bodies in a small town..very cruel and humilating..I totally sympathize with you.
You know having to deal with herpes in a new realtionship is sooo stressful and emotions run high.
I don't think there is a magical, painless moment in which to inform your significant other of your status.
In my case, I had to have "the talk" with two bfs at different times in my life. I told each of them before we had relations..BUT after we were emotionally bonded. They were initially shocked and then bewildered because they had already fallen in love with me. Because I got herpes from rapist.. my bfs reacted with immediate righteous indignation that quickly turned into pity. It broke their hearts.
On the bright side birdman, one of those men became my husband. We were married for 15 years. He never worried one damn minute about catching H from me. His attitude was.. If it happened..it happened.. there are worse things in the world to have. He even told me he would rather have herpes and be with me than not have herps and live without me I admit he is an extra special person Interestingly...We never used condoms..I never took any meds..only abstained when I was symptomatic. He would clean up real good right after a session. When we divorced he got blood test that came up negative to both types.. WHEW! we were blessed :wink: We had two healthy children together as a result of my informing my OB doc about my herpes BTW..women are NOT routinely tested for herpes in their prenatal work up..I am a strong advocate to change this..but that's a topic for another forum.
3 years plus and..I'm still with the second bf. He has a somewhat different attitude about the whole ordeal. He was a little angry with me for waiting until we were serious about each other to inform him. I admit I stalled for time because I didn't want to lose him.. With this dude.. my reluctance to have "the talk" and the herpes itself have put a strain on our realtionship. So I guess my timing was all wrong. However..he is mostly supportive..dosen't make me feel awful.. but I think subconsciously he worries about it..and I can pick up on that vibe. Anyway, he knows I've had H for a long time, believes I am capable of managing the disease to the best of human capacity. I take suppressants now to give him some extra reassurance.
Well there is no way to predict how people without H will react immediately to the news.. or if they stay around... how they will cope as your partner in the long term.
You'll just have to hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst.

Answer:
Some people are mean...just ...MEAN! I know that sounds so childish, but there is no other words for me to say it...MEAN!

I am fortunate that the few people I told have never told anyone else or gossiped behind my back. What a shitty thing to do, but eh, it weeds out who your REAL friends are. Painful sure, but you are probably better off without those "friends".

It IS so hard to get back into the dating game. God, before I met my current boyfriend, I dated some guys and what I found was this: Just because I have herpes, doesn't mean I have to date some dumb ass schmuck!!! And boy, are there a TON of schmucks out there! (as well as a ton of lame ass bitches! right guys!) So I guess what I am saying is: I always felt it was bad to settle....I STILL feel the same way. Herpes has not changed that. If anything, in some ways, it kept me more honest with myself. I looked at men differently. Do I REALLY want to pursue this guy? I mean he is good looking, but dumb as an ox, or cold, or a playa, or whatever (add adjective here!) :lol:

Because once you DO become romantically involved with someone, chances are it will lead into an intimate relationship....THEN it will be time for "the talk." And that is never easy, but it doesn't have to be so hard either.

I think just date some nice ladies....and ask yourself the same questions you would ask even if you DID NOT have herpes. Is their an attraction? Do we like the same thing? have the same beliefs? Does she make me laugh? Do we seem to compliment one another? IF so...move on with dating....once things start to get a little more hot and heavy, sit the potential lover down and talk to her. I found having the talk at home, in the living room, all nice and quiet and calm, worked best for me.

And you know what? Once I told my man my hsv issue, he just looked at me like "oh, that is it!?!?!" I worried so badly about nothing! Apparently he was well read/educated on STDS (his mom worked at a hospital and when he was a young man sat him down and had her own 'talk" with him! hahaha) He was worried I was going to break up with him, and THAT was why I was so serious. I bawled like a big ole baby afterwards, because 1) I was so relieved 2) I was so happy and 3) because he is such an amazing fella and he is MINE!

he was the only person I had to tell, so I guess I got lucky. I told the cad who gave me this little gift and he tried to make it like i was the one with the problem he was 'clean". (whatever....THAT is a whole different yukky story, and I want to keep this positive.)

So ...It is tough, there maybe some misses in there, but there may be that one good "hit" too. Take things slow, and enjoy yourself. Enjoy just good old fashioned dating and flirting. (I think I was a southern belle in a past life....I loved dating and "flirting with beaux!) No need to rush into things, including sex.

I sure hope things work out. Dating is tough enough...meeting people is really tough. Having this little "albatross" makes our plight that much harder. But I think you will be ok!!!!!

Answer:
oh and PMP...PLEASE keep fighting for doctors (esp OB/GYN docs) to do routine testing of HSV in women. I agree 100% that this should be mandatory. Especially for pregnant women. Could save some folks alot of pain and heartache. What can I (we ...all us women) do to change this!?!!? I am game! :D