Question:
Hi, I recently began seeing a man that I really like who told me in the heat of the moment that he has herpes but has not had an outbreak in over a year. We went on to have sex shortly thereafter and we did use a condom for vaginal sex but he did perform oral sex without any type of barrier but because of his confession to me, I was afraid of the risk. I am confused about what my risk is to contracting herpes when either of us perform oral sex on the other. I think he will be agreeable to using a condom to protect me during intercourse but I just cannot seem to decipher enough from all of the online data to know when, if and how oral sex may be safe. Would you folks share your opinions and knowledge with me? I am interested in pursuing a relationship with this man and really do not want herpes to get in the way. However, I really do not want to contract it either. I am a forty-year old divorcee who just left a 20 year completely monogamous relationship so I really do not want to start over with an STD. Thanks for your time!

Answer:
i would like to hear the answer to this too.

Answer:
Someone else may have the data you're looking for on genital to oral transmission, but in the meantime I recommend you ask him to consider taking suppressive therapy. That will reduce any risk that does exist.

I am a man and honestly if a woman told me she didn't want to give me oral sex I wouldn't mind (and you won't be coming across as odd - some women just aren't into it and he should know that). Offer hand stimulation if you like: it can be much more exciting anyway!

Answer:
dangermouse: Thanks for the information. I read another one of your posts on another page and it is interesting hearing partners' perspectives. It would seem that either the fact of sharing his information or the fact that we seemed to get pretty close pretty quickly freaked out my friend because two days after our first and only encounter, he said he had to focus on his job and his child and just didn't have time for a relationship. Funny thing was during our intimate evening together he was talking about future time we would spend together. I don't know if it is a situation of him dumping me before he thought perhaps I would dump him, either way, I haven't heard from him in four days and that "I'm too busy" information came in the form of an instant message. He acted like he was afraid to talk on the phone and blamed time as the reason. Personally, I think he liked me and I think he is running, as much as anything because in his explanation he said "I am not running" even when I never accused him of it. Anyway, it is too bad but I have been thinking about what you wrote when you said that in spite of the infatuation you would consider the H as part of your decision whether or not you would get back with your friend, this time alone is giving me the time to reconsider as well, although I still really wish I could see him again. The research I have done makes it seem as if I CAN avoid contracting this if we are careful and he is deserving of someone to love him. Any thoughts or suggestions as to what I should or should not do?

Answer:
Yeah, all the info on oral sex is rather gray, or contradicting, so i don't feel comfotable giving any definitive answer. I suppose the best i can do is share my experience in that department, b/c I suppose that's what you're looking for in a forum...

I'm a 27/f and I was diagnosed with HSV II while I was in a monogamous relationship with guy who cheated. It sucked, but I moved on and statred to date a very sensitive caring person and I made the choice to tell him about my HSV II status about a week into the relationship, (things were moving FAST, emotionally--- physically we hadn't done anything below the belt). He was very sweet upon hearing the news, but did ask for a day or two to think about all of it, do risk asessment, so to speak. He took me out to lunch a couple of days later to tell me that he had read up on it, thought long and hard, and decided I was worth the risk. But we both had questions about Oral sex. So I went to my Dr. and he went to his--- to get tests and ask some questions. We still felt blurry about the whole thing. I felt comfortable going down on him, but we weren't sure about him giving me head, and I'm not the type to pressure or need something THAT badly. Anyhow, he eventully decided that he wanted to go down on me after coming to the conclusion based on his reading on the internet that it wasn't that bad of a risk, (and I'm on supressive therapy, Lysine pills, low argenine diet, B-complex supplements).

Here's what happened... The relationship actually burned out after a couple of months. We both cared deeply for each other, but we weren't right for each other and I suggested one day that perhaps we'd be better as friends. A little bit after that, he went back to the Dr. to be checked specifically for HSV (I or II). Duriung that visit he learned that he had not been checked for HSV the first time he got an STD work-up--- because it's not in the "batch" of tests when you ask for an STD work-up, (I hate that this information is not out there for people, well, maybe it is, but no one seems to be hearing it). His results were positive for both HSV I & II, which is interesting, b/c I'm actually only HSV II positive, (I is oral, II is genital, although either one can appear in either place, apparently-- but the statistics of prevalence in that is almost non-existant--- anybody out there that has that kinda info, I invite you to please share). Since this was actually the first time in his life that he was being tested for HSV, there was no way to tell whether he had caught from me or had had it before. I, of course, blame myself, because it's the most logical thing in my head. And he was amazing--- He originally thought that he might be initially upset or angry with me if had he caught it; but the circumstances, (not knowing if he had had it before & me telling him WAY before we ever had any risky behavior)... left him actually more concerned about me spiralling into depression over this, (I can tend to do that). He felt that he had made an informed decision. We always used condoms, I already mentioned earlier the various medicine I take and diet I follow for this, and we engaged in unprotected oral sex.

I realize my story may make things even foggier, but if you take anything away from it, please get tested and find out your HSV status, a lot of people are HSV + and have no idea.

Best of luck to you and I hope this was a little helpful.

~Belladonna

Answer:
Here's my strange story.
I've always gotten canker soars since I was a kid. After I gave birth to my baby, the canker soars started coming more and more often. I messed around with someone, who I had previously had sex with in the past, and he never gave me anything, and I gave him oral sex on one occasion after I had my baby. About 4 months later I had an outbreak of soars in my mouth that were so bad I went to the dr. over it. He put me on valtrex for them. But they still kept persisting, and he gave me a blood test, but not for a full year after my oral sex encounter. I tested negative for herpes1 and 2. And that was last year. This summer I got a horrible case of canker soars along with a soar throat for 3 weeks. I went to the dr. and he took blood again, and this was 1 year after my last blood test which was negative, and 2 years since my last encounter which could have put me at risk. And I now tested positive for herpes 1 and 2. I have had soars only in my mouth always. I don't understand why it would take so long to show up in a blood test, if it were this person that gave it to me. One year after the encounter it shows up negative. It took 2 years to show up in a blood test!! My dr. says herpes1 showed up stronger than herpes2. Any helpful infor?? Or the big question here is- is it possible that I just have herpes 1, but a blood test for some reason could look like I have both types?

Answer:
dangermouse: Thanks for the information. I read another one of your posts on another page and it is interesting hearing partners' perspectives. It would seem that either the fact of sharing his information or the fact that we seemed to get pretty close pretty quickly freaked out my friend because two days after our first and only encounter, he said he had to focus on his job and his child and just didn't have time for a relationship. Funny thing was during our intimate evening together he was talking about future time we would spend together. I don't know if it is a situation of him dumping me before he thought perhaps I would dump him, either way, I haven't heard from him in four days and that "I'm too busy" information came in the form of an instant message. He acted like he was afraid to talk on the phone and blamed time as the reason. Personally, I think he liked me and I think he is running, as much as anything because in his explanation he said "I am not running" even when I never accused him of it. Anyway, it is too bad but I have been thinking about what you wrote when you said that in spite of the infatuation you would consider the H as part of your decision whether or not you would get back with your friend, this time alone is giving me the time to reconsider as well, although I still really wish I could see him again. The research I have done makes it seem as if I CAN avoid contracting this if we are careful and he is deserving of someone to love him. Any thoughts or suggestions as to what I should or should not do? It sounds like this person has played you. He acted like he wanted a future with you during your night together, then he tells you just the opposite. I think it would be in your best interest to try to forget about him and get over it. He is obviously one of those peope that says one thing and does another, and he will eventually really hurt you, way more later than he already has now. So, move on- you don't need those kind of head games.

Answer:
Belladona and Summer, thanks for sharing your stories with me. I still am at a loss for how this is going to turn out. My friend and I are emailing and IM'ing daily but have not seen each other since that night. I don't know if we will see one another again but I wanted to be armed with information in case we did. Relationships are just brutal sometimes. Thanks again.

Answer:
i get cold sore on my lip once a year or two SINCE A KID. the last time was OVER a year ago. never caused a problem before with EX wife or lengthy relationships. NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD IF NO RED BUMP

spent 4 days with girlfriend FIRST TIME. had a lot of sex. (SHE lost count at 50 O's). a week later she has primary hsv1 genital ob. a LOT OF PAIN. i still have no symptoms.