Question:
Hello everyone! I'm a late '50's woman - my husband died 10 years ago. I was diagnosed earlier this year with H2. I had broken up with an Anesthetist I was dating who was a huge flirt and a cheat. I kept hoping we could make it work. He was up front with me about having H2. I decided he was someone I could see myself with for a LONG time - hopefully forever. 'Forever' turned out to be 1 year and 10 months. Too bad his true nature hadn't emerged at that point. Obviously I was just his 'good enough for the moment' woman. We used condoms when he had an outbreak and I never had a symptom. Still haven't.

After the breakup I found I could have a blood test to know for sure if I had it. Didn't want to start dating - even just as casual friends - without being absolutely sure one way or the other. Ignorance is NOT bliss!

I tested positive for H2 and my H1 results were unclear.

I've dated a few times since then. Only had to get into 'the talk' twice. The first guy also had H2!!! He turned out not to be someone I could respect or consider a physical relationship with however. The other had such potential. I'd only 'met' him a few weeks ago, but my husband had actually met him at a seminar many years ago and later we ran into him and we met briefly then. 12 years later - just a few weeks ago - we met again it it seemed destined! It was wonderful! Anyway, long story short. I told him last weekend about the H2+ test results. We went back and forth. He pondered, did some research and then I didn't hear from him for a day or so. Then last night he called and came over to talk and told me he had to back out of our relationship. Just couldn't do it.

I totally understand but am feeling completely rejected. How do all of you handle this? I agree that H is a great filter. To know for sure the person is really into you and not just looking for a convenient bed partner. Has anyone else noticed that women seem way more able to make this leap than men? My ex has been with 6 or 7 women since he found out he was H2+ and nobody's rejected him when they were told!

However, I keep feeling guilty even thinking I should continue to try to date in the hope of finding someone who might be okay with this. It's so traumatic for someone to get to a point where they can see themselves actually, physically with a person only to have this bomb dropped on them! I've been in very few relationships in my entire life. I met my husband at 15 and he was my one and only until his death. I know that I'm a person who could live alone for the rest of my life - but that would NOT be my preference. Does anyone have any positive experience in this area. I feel really sad, stuck and just unworthy of trying. It doesn't seem fair to pull another person into this type of drama only to have it all fall apart once again. Thanks so much in advance for your time and thoughts :)

Answer:
Hi nwisconsin,

I'm not sure if I can offer any advice here since a) I'm a man, b) I caught the virus when I was in my teens and c) I've always been a little less serious about the people I've told (I'm married now but when I told my wife-to-be that I had it I had no idea we'd settle down and have kids).

Anyway, my main piece of advice to you is this: never ever feel guilty about anything unless you've done something wrong - and you haven't. You've done everything right, you're responsible, mature and courteous to prospective partners and that's a rare thing in this day and age. I just wish there were more people like you in the world.

As for your concerns about 'is it fair to other people?' I would say that you shouldn't feel so responsible for them. Herpes simplex is a fact of life, and a pretty common one at that. Anyone who is sexually active should be prepared to come across it somehow sooner or later. So you've tested positive for HSV2? That shouldn't put you out of the running. Anyone who expects all his prospective partners to be 'squeaky clean' is, quite frankly, being unrealistic and naive. Everyone has a past, everyone has baggage. You have a perfect right to start dating anyone you like and the fact that you tell them you have HSV2 is courtesy enough. If they can't deal with it then that's sad but it's their problem. Don't emotionally blackmail yourself into a life of celibacy - I did that for years and it was the single stupidest thing I've ever done.

You're a wonderful person and you will find someone special, I'm sure of it.

CJ