Question:
Ive been lurking here for sometime now reading hear and there... I see a lot of the same reactions from people: anger, hate, fear, people scared that they will be alone the rest of their lives, people afraid to date because they know the moment will come when they will have to confess, intense pain, loneliness and many more. Ive always been extremely afraid of contracting an STD, i dated my last girlfriend for almost six years but she was just not as outgoing as me. Anyhow after the split i met the most beautiful six foot talk brunette you will ever see in your life! She loved animals, could dance in ways that would.. ok never mind, excercised everything, we started running together every day talking about life and what not. she was 19 or 20 when we met dating a 35 year old rich guy (unlike myself poor college student) We starting hanging out all the time, going dancing together, perfect right? Never can be... we drank pretty heavy a few night and kissed and what not but she would always cry.. one night she started crying and just praying for a new body... i knew something was wrong but i wouldnt believe it, we had started dating in the mean time (broke up wit ex) and finally one night she told me... i held her while she cried for hours... i was scared too, i didnt know anything about it, she had given me oral sex a few times.. but she laughed at all my questions and explained she didnt have it in her mouth (it still worries me) anyhow six months later we split and a few weeks ago we started talking again after a semester break.. i love this girl so much, we are so perfect together but i dont want to live the rest of my life with that problem ( heck i could end up getting it anyway with my luck) but she tells me she is on Valtrex (vitamin V) and says as long as i wear a condom its fine, she hasnt had an outbreak in 1.5 years but its just so hard, it makes me sick to my stomach but errrrr....

any help? or advice? im so lost! sometimes i think i could deal with it but then i see how much pain some of you go through and this girl soooooo beautiful outside and even more so inside! Im afraid one day if she left me i would have such a hard time dating again... its a lot easier when u could probably be a model for her than it would be for me!

its so sad that this is such a widespread problem but no one knows about it until its too late and some people are angry and make the problem worse! i see so many people 15-20 years old... i know one guy who has it and keeps and giving to freshman girls in college...its horrible!

Answer:
your post is my worst fear....not someone just straight out rejecting me. I am 23 and have had it for a year. I guess I can sympathize a lot with the girl you are talking about. It is so hard for me when any guy looks, smiles, or flirts with me....makes me want to die just knowing I could never even bring myself to tell someone so I just don't let myself get to know guys in that way. Anyway, my worst fear is to let myself meet someone....have them be crazy about me and then tell them and have them feel like you do. But in fairness....if I didnt have this, and the situation was me in your place I would feel the same exact way. Being so young it really is like taking a chance to give up your life (the life as you know it now) and take a risk of getting it. Like you I would not want to take that risk if i didnt have it because who knows what the future holds and if it would even work out in the long term. That is why if I ever break up with my current boyfriend now I see my life as being alone forever....b/c I would not expect someone to take that risk for me because I hate my life now that I have this and would never wish it upon anyone. I would not be angry with someone if they chose to leave...just horribly sad and hurt, but I wouldnt think they are mean or a bad guy for not risking it. I know this is not the most positive response of encouragement but it is your life and in all honesty I feel for the girl more than I could ever explain, but it's your life and you have to decide if she is worth it. If you like her that much you could give it a try for fairness to her. You dont know how hard it is to be a decent looking girl and know that guys will always want to date and meet you but that it doesnt matter any more because almost all of them would run for the hills if they ever knew....or if not run, then feel just like you do. It sucks either way.....to be in your situation or hers...but more so for her....she will always have to deal with this happening to her. I hope no one on here is mad at this post because it is not more "pro" dating her despite her herpes but this is your life... dont feel pressured. Follow your heart and really decide if you could be fine having this if you happened to get it because despite precautions, there is a chance you could still get it and you have to be ready for that. There is a chance you will not catch it though if you are careful and take precautions. It is important however to ask her where she experiences outbreaks because if it somewhere other than where the condom will touch or go, then a condom will not protect you from getting it from her. For example, I do not get typical outbreaks....just a rash in the pubic hair region and because of that, condoms will not protect someone from getting it from me. Also, giving her oral sex you will have to use a dental dam to ensure that you will not get it. You could do it without one but there is a chance you will contract it that way. People say the risk of getting HSV2 from someone in your mouth is not very high but it is still a risk. If you love this girl and want to be with her and she loves you then follow your heart but it is your choice. Sorry I couldnt just give a simple response but I look at this objectively for both sides. Good luck! wish you the best if it works out...keep us posted

Answer:
I am completely new here myself and can't give a lot of sound advice as of yet with this std. I do understand your fears of contracting the herpes virus as I have always been extremely careful with protecting myself, and I do understand your sincere feelings for this girl. Life is full of chances, gambles, would of could of's and circumstances beyond our control sometimes. I found out earlier this week that I have contracted the HSV 2 virus after being mis-diagnossed for a Urinary Tract Infection. My husband had been sleeping with prostitutes and co-workers through our whole marriage and he is covered in it. I did not know he ever had any outbreaks or had the HSV 2 std and he claims that he never knew he had it either. I am very angry with him and his infidelity, but what is done is done. You have a very hard choice in front of you and I can really relate to the previous poster and the girl that you are dating now. None of us want to be alone, but none of us want our partners to contract what we have now because it just plain out sucks to put it mildly. I wish you the best of luck and I wish you peace emotionally and mentally because it can be draining having to make such a big decission. Take care! :)

Answer:
I know this is a particularly hard decision in your life. I think there are some things that you should really think about:

1. how do you feel about this girl (without or without her condition)?

It seems as though you really care for her, enjoy her company and if she was not in the situation she is in, it would be a no-brainer! :grin:

• "beautiful six foot talk brunette you will ever see in your life!
• She loved animals, could dance in ways that would.. ok never mind,
• exercised everything, we started running together every day talking about life"

2. Contracting - "i dont want to live the rest of my life with that problem" Who does!!
I am hoping that most people do not ever want to contract or, those that are not complete assholes, would not want to pass it along!! You need to decide if you are willing to put your health, future, etc at risk. Sorry to say and it seems as though you may already be aware, but there is really no way of knowing that you are always having "safe" sex, even when it is wrapped up!!! What about the people that lie, like your friend. I am not saying that just because it is possible for it to happen to jump into the lion's den. All I am saying is you can never be 100% sure of anything.

3. LOVE - what would you do for love? Some would die for the ones they love!
you say you love this girl and sounds like there are even more things that you love about her. Love is something that is very hard to come by. You can date and have people that you get along with great, but if you put all that together and then throw love in there, AMAZING!

• "i love this girl so much,
• we are so perfect together
• this girl soooooo
• beautiful outside and even more so inside!"

4. Future - something to think about...
everyone has a future! each day we wake up and make decisions, small or big, it affects our future! in the early years of adulthood; one's future usually consists of day to day things; eating, drinking, friends, clothes, hanging out, school...nothing to serious. but as time goes on, you get older, people start to plan for their future and who/what is in it; wife, children, home, etc. How do you see this, well her, fitting into your future? Lots of people may think that their life is over, once you contract an incurable disease. But it is really not, it is only the beginning of having to be RESPONSBILE about your life decisions and those around you. Be honest, considerate, caring and respectful enough to tell those you care about, about the situation, or in your case, your girl friends situation. It was extremely hard for her tell you but most of all it was brave.
Telling - this is almost a topic in itself!!
*****Tell, don’t tell, when do you tell?????******
Of course it is best to tell!! When do you tell? That is hard to say. Tell them too soon --> decisions can be made before investing too much time, this can be good/bad. Tell someone later after a relationship has developed --> the person has gotten to know "you" and does not react judgmentally but yet, if it is something one decides they do not want in their life, there is so much more to lose.

People can carry on relationships for years and never (or as far as they know never) give it to their partner. You just need to be responsible, consult your doctors, take precautions and communicate. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is very important!

Deciding - :confused:
There is nothing wrong, shameful or bad about choosing to or not choosing to seek a relationship with this girl.
The decision is easy and clear cut for you. Say you decide NOT to be with her. You end your relationship with her, then what? Move on? Remain friends? Easy for you....
What about her? Now this is something she has to live with the rest of her life, with or without you!! And each time she finds someone, tells them and they bail, it only hurts more, becomes more discouraging and more frustrating! She will wonder if she will ever find someone to accept her for her!! This is not your concern, but if you decide to end things, keep this in mind....in mind to the extent of HOW you end things and understand what she will be going through.

Sharing....
A little about me (as if this was not already long enough). I have herpes, have for many years now. No one can ever imagine what you go through!! The hurt, pain, anger, physical pain, disgust, embarrassment, confusion, etc.!!! In the beginning, there are so many feelings going on you really don't know how to feel. But there will come a time in your life (yes it will come), when having herpes, is now part of you! Yes, it is much more difficult than having to live with a mole on your face or a embarrassing family member you don't want anyone to know you are related to. But it does become part of your life, you learn to live WITH it. You learn about you, your habits, your body, how it effects you, your family, your lifestyle and you manage!!! There are times, years later, that I sit and wonder......how/when did this happen to me? who (that son of a bitch) could have done something like this to me?
For me, I don't know who/how/when I got it. okay, well I know the how. :) But all of those feelings come back again and remind me of one of the hardest times in my life that I had to overcome!! And of the road that lies ahead!

The difference --> choice. It sounds like she did not have a choice, you do. It is part of her life now...do you want to make it and her a part of yours?

I want to tell you that if you love her, then LOVE HER! But I don't know what is best for you, only you do. Hope I was able to help.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer:
Sounds like true love to me. I would get educated about how to prevent it, and consider a serious relationship together. Maybe go to counceling together about it.

Being an older person I can tell you... if I didnt have herpes, and I was truly in love (meaning knowing the person for at least a year to determine this), I would go for it, responisbly of course. True love is hard to find!

Answer:
Ok what is it with you men? The only reason you don't have HSV right now is because you've been lucky as all get out. Now you meet somebody WONDERFUL, who is willing to risk complete rejection (perhaps even more so than you would if the situation was reversed given the informal male-female disclosure "stats" on this site), loss of privacy, and I have heard this before---not wanting to live the rest of one's life with some viral illness. But I swear, what I want to know is, at the end of your sterile, perfectly safe, STD free life, what will the pictures on your wall say? Will there be any pictures? I mean on the deathbed, are all the STD-free people who met WONDERFUL people w/ HSV they just couldn't consent to be with---and think about that, there's a whole lot of of people who don't even make it that far to even meeting somebody worth writing on a message board about--a whole lot of people are just settling because they don't want to be by themselves---but on the deathbed, will you look back at it all and think, "Gee, I sure did avoid that Herpes. Life was GREAT! WELL DONE!" It's not going to be the anthem of your story. And if it is, it means you had a boring story. It's like you are preserving your perfect little STD free (or so you believe) genitals for the RIGHT person who presumably will also be STD free? Can you count? 1 in four women has HSV. Think about that the next time you're on aisle 7. You are going to confront HSV. The question is, whether you will be conscious of it, and/or whether the person you are dealing with will be so honest as this.

And the whole thing about, what if this relationship doesn't work--then how will I date after that. Geez, it's like you're going into it with a divorce lawyer on call, alreadly planning for failure. I'm all for avoiding unnecessary risk. But love is the number one good reason to risk anything in this life as far as I'm concerned. That's what makes the worst day at the office bearable; the saddest parts of life--loss of aging dear parents and other major transitions, not permanently overwhelming. And sometimes, I do think to myself that if HSV is the show stopper for somebody dating somebody in this day and age with all the bullsh!t that the life experience can throw around--it makes me think that this person has really not been exposed to much, i.e., is already living in some unreal place where it doesn't rain, everybody's rich and ma is goodlooking. And these people are not--in my experience--terribly interesting, even to themselves, and certainly don't bring the kind of life armor to a relationship that relationships greatly benefit from. If you just want an okie doke relationship, I guess those are easily available, and heck, you need not bother with HSV to have one. But personally, I want a relationship to blow me away---I'm talking WOW. I think life is too amazing at any moment if in nothing else, its sheer potential, to settle for okie doke. And the truth is, I know for a fact that I could marry a quadraplegic. Because I've met 2 who were funny as heck, cute as hell, and a complete joy to be around. They were way past okie doke--even though I'm sure many females wouldn't necessarily be excited about somebody in that state.

I guess it depends on your view of the whole life experience...(I think that's what I'm trying to say).

Answer:
...It is so hard for me when any guy looks, smiles, or flirts with me....makes me want to die just knowing I could never even bring myself to tell someone... Whoa, sweetie! You're getting way ahead of yourself! Tell someone? You just met the guy! Would you have thought this way before you got herpes? Remember that you're a beautiful woman, whom a man is approaching- he should be worried about you accepting him, not the other way around.

...Being so young it really is like taking a chance to give up your life (the life as you know it now) and take a risk of getting it... Who's giving anything up? I was 18 when I got this, I'm 21 now and haven't given up a damn thing, and don't plan to! I'm always meeting new guys, I just can't jump into bed with everyone (not that I would want to). And when a man is just so lucky that I offer him not only my magical wonderbox (herpes or no), but my love and companionship as well, he's insane to turn it down.

...You dont know how hard it is to be a decent looking girl and know that guys will always want to date and meet you but that it doesnt matter any more because almost all of them would run for the hills if they ever knew.... No, snap out of it honey! First off, that's not what always happens; from what I've read on this site and from personal experience, I can say that's not even what usually happens. Guys want to date and meet you? Date them and meet them! Go have fun; think about it, how many guys have you been on dates with? And how many of them did you fall in love with? If you're like me, not many!
Some people think you should tell right away, which is fine if it works for them. There's no right or wrong answer. Personally, I don't tell until I've decided that I really like the guy and can see myself in some sort of a relationship with him. Should I worry about leading him on? Some say yes, I say hell no. I don't want to put my business out there unless it's for someone who's worth it. And if he goes running for the hills, well that's just another broken heart. My hearts been broken before (before herpes, and after herpes- although not for H reasons), I'll bounce back. We're women, that's what we do. He goes running, well he can kiss my ass!

And next time you're feeling that "life is over" walk down the street: 1, 2, 3, Herpes! 1, 2, 3, Herpes! 1, 2, 3, (points at self) Herpes!

My apologies for the profanity, where have my manners gone? :rolleyes:

Answer:
loving the 1,2,3 herpes idea... !
only got diagnosed today but already feeling better mentally... don't reckon I'll go round telling the whole world just yet but apart from the excrutiating pain, discomfert sitting down and aches and pains I'll just take the prescribed pills and hope it doesn't last too long, if I get recurrances I'll deal with it. It might be a pain in the ass (literally) At least it wont kill me. It's not going to stop me doing anything, although obviously I'll have to think a little harder and more carefully about sex, who with, when and what to say but hey, that can't be a bad thing. The more open everyone is, the better sex you have in my opinion. besides, I've got the chicken pox virus hidding away inside somewhere (also a herpes virus) and more than likely a variety of other random things that I'll luckly never know about. It's just unfortunate that genital and herpes arn't words that really sound that nice. In fact I'm not too keen on the word genital anyway... why the hell didn't someone give it a nicer name! sorry going off on a tangent there still a bit shocked and tired from just finding out.

Answer:
loving the 1,2,3 herpes idea... !
only got diagnosed today but already feeling better mentally... don't reckon I'll go round telling the whole world just yet but apart from the excrutiating pain, discomfert sitting down and aches and pains I'll just take the prescribed pills and hope it doesn't last too long, if I get recurrances I'll deal with it. It might be a pain in the ass (literally) At least it wont kill me. It's not going to stop me doing anything, although obviously I'll have to think a little harder and more carefully about sex, who with, when and what to say but hey, that can't be a bad thing. The more open everyone is, the better sex you have in my opinion. besides, I've got the chicken pox virus hidding away inside somewhere (also a herpes virus) and more than likely a variety of other random things that I'll luckly never know about. It's just unfortunate that genital and herpes arn't words that really sound that nice. In fact I'm not too keen on the word genital anyway... why the hell didn't someone give it a nicer name! sorry going off on a tangent there still a bit shocked and tired from just finding out.