I just can't stop crying
He was my boyfriend for 8 months and it seemed to good to be true...
That's because it was.
One day, I got a call from his cell phone. When I answered, a female voice responded. She said she was his girlfriend of two years and wanted to figure out what was going on. We talked for over an hour and figured out everything. She had gone through his phone. He was sleeping with dozens of different women.
There is so much more to the story... but the long and short of it is that now I have genital herpes.
I suppose I should be grateful. I had been sleeping with him unprotected for MONTHS. The outcome could have been much much worse... it could have been HIV.
But I still can't get through this.
I just want to cry all the time. The emotional devastation of being completely screwed over is bad enough, but now, to make matters worse, I have this life-long scar to live with as a constant reminder of what he did... and what I allowed him to do to me.
I can't even look at men. I am 24 and attractive, and men do look at me and do try to flirt with me, but the playful happy attitude I once had has now completely vanished. I feel awful all the time... when men try to talk to me, I turn into ice because I know that I can never be involved with anyone ever again. I am sure that men must think I am a complete bitter bitch, but the truth is that I do not want to put any other human being at risk. I do not want to make anyone else feel the way I feel right now. No one deserves this. It's not even that I couldn't have "that conversation" with a man... it's that, even if a man was willing to take the risk for me, I would not be able to put anyone at risk. I feel dirty and awful all the time. I sporadically start crying throughout the day. I just don't know how to cope.
I know I can never have children because of the risk of infecting my unborn baby. I feel like my entire life has been ripped away from me. I hate that so much of my own personal happiness was centered around my sexuality; I never realized how important my sexual health was to me until it was gone.
ok first- ur life is not ruined.
2nd- hes a ass
3rd- u can and WILL find someone better, it might take some time, but will happen.
4th- u can have a relationship- and sex, just need to protect ur self -condoms- and be smart> if u have a ob, no sex
5th- u can totally have children, delivered vag, or c-section. they test u alot during the prego time, and if ur herp is active> its rec. that u have a c-sec, if not, its all ur choice.
I know exactly how you feel .......had this a little over a year and still feel like you do. If someone would be able to accept this and be willling I would not be willing to let them take that risk. I would die if I ever gave this horrible shit to anyone else. I am 23....got this last year 22....sucks to be young and I feel just like you do. I know its not healthy to be a hermit but for me it is easier than having to interact with men in situations like you explained because it is only a constant reminder to me of how my life as I knew it is over. I never thought Id want to run from a cute guy trying to flirt with me.....if you ever want to talk more then you could send me a personal message.....not sure how to do that as I am new to this site as well.....Joined a few days ago. Im here if you need me.
i can relate completely..
i dont wanna sound egotistical, but girls go a little silly over me sometimes, and now i feel out of commission... worst part is, if there was a beautiful girl who had this, she'd feel the same as me and we wouldnt approach each other as being sure the other would have too much going for them to want to be at risk to this virus... i'm on my last day of my valtrex today for my 7 day first ob treatment, and i've had to turn down sex almost every single one of these days, making it even harder to get over this initial shock...
feel like i went away for christmas and never came back...
but, it is getting better, mentally at least... only symptom i still feel is my lymph node is a little swole, my piss still hurts sometimes (but thats cuz i got weird about pissin since it hurt i didnt wanna do it a lot and subconciously shut er down a little.. drinking more water+going whenever i feel the slightest whim too has made it stop hurting at least for yesterday and today) all the bumps have pretty much disapearred cept the one the doctor roofed to test me, and thats just a little red dot that i'm waiting to disapear...
i guess the best advice i can give you is dont freak out too bad yet, cuz you dont know what it holds in store for you.. this is just the first, you have no idea how good or bad it will be, so relax and just do your best to make sure its ok (eating right, vitamins).. i'm still smokin weed everyday, i dunno how that'll work for me but i changed my diet completely and i take like 6 pills a day now lol.. just do whatever you need to do to feel like you got it covered and then feel as good as you can about that fact... nothin else you could be doin, if there is, do it, then just relax...
until theres a cure, theres no cure, plenty of time to deal with this when it needs to be dealt with, for now just do what you can do today, and thats keep your head up...
my boy said 'i dont know how you didnt go crazy' and the only reason cuz it would be that simple.. its either keep it together, or fall apart... stand up, be strong, and hopefully with time there really is a cure/vaccine/prevention tool... till then, your best move is to keep smilin and find happiness in other areas of your life... sex is huge specially at this point in our lives, specially for me lol, but fuck, theres more to this shit then bangin one out...
we gone make it
you can and you will have another relationship!!!
I am so sorry that this guy treated you this way!! It really makes it hard to put yourself out there. I understand your concern of not wishing this on anyone, but be honest and tell that someone, when the time is right. They can make their own choice!! My husband did, does not have it AND we have a beautiful healthy baby boy!!
it will just take time
Thanks for the encouragement... it just feels SO hopeless right now.
Ever since I broke up with the bastard, it's like droves of men are approaching me... not literally, but well, here's a break down.
My ex boyfriend called (the guy I dated before the ass hole came along) and was saying that he was glad I finally dumped the loser and wanting to know when he and I were going to give things a second chance. Thing is, I broke up with my ex for the bastard who cheated on me and now I realize what a HUGE and AWFUL and STUPID mistake that was. I never cheated on him, but when I met the ass hole, everything just seemed so perfect, and me and my ex had been fighting (nothing serious, just stupid shit) and instead of sticking by him like a real woman and working it out, I broke up with him and started dating the bastard... who wound up fucking me over 8 months down the road. Now I have no boyfriend AND herpes... it's almost comical. (Sorry, I know it's not funny but I have to either laugh or cry and I just don't have any tears left)... anyway, now this AMAZING guy is willing to give me a second chance after the shit I pulled and I can't do it because I don't want to infect him.
We had talked about STD's and things in the past and he had always said, "If you had an STD, I would still love and accept you... you get it treated and we'll go from there... as long as you didn't cheat and AS LONG AS IT ISN'T HERPES... cuz that shit can even burn through a condom!"
Sooo... I already know exactly how he feels about herpes. There is no point in having "the talk" with him because I already know what he'll say and the worst part is, he's calling every day, wanting to hang out and spend time together. But I know spending time together will end up in us getting back together which will lead to sex... so I know I can't do it. And I am too ashamed of my condition to tell him WHY, so he just thinks I don't like him. And I want to tell him... I want to say, "I want to be with you again but I can't and here's why..." but I just can't... so I have to let him think I just don't like him... and seeing the hurt in his eyes is probably the worst part.
I've also had dinner invitations from a male friend of mine and a male co-worker who both said, "Now that you're single, we can get to know each other better..." and I have had to shoot them both down because I couldn't bear the thought of infecting them. I hate having to say no to them, and what's worse, I hate seeing the looks on their faces when they feel like they've just been "shot down." I wish I could tell them WHY I am shooting them down, but I just can't do it... because telling them the truth would absolutely kill me.
I know that there is so much more to life than sex and I have a lot of other things going on... my career is going well, I have great friends and family, etc. But I'm 24 years old... some day I would like to get married and have children and now I feel like I won't ever be able to.
I haven't even told my friends. The only person in the world who knows I have herpes is the fucking ass hole who gave it to me. Which means I have *NO ONE* to talk to about this awful horrific situation I've found myself in. I hate myself and I REALLY hate him. I hate him so much I want to burn his fucking dick off. And if I knew I could get away with it without getting arrested, I swear to god, I would.
All of this rage and pain inside me can't be healthy... I am not normally like this... I know I sound like a complete psychopath right now and I *HATE* that. I used to be such a happy, healthy person... is this just a testament to my own weakness? I never knew how weak I was until something like this came along. Now I feel angry and hurt all the time and I just keep crying and crying... I think I belong in a psych ward.
Well I|don't think you do know what your ex thinks about you having herpes - it was a hyperthetical situatiuon he was referring to ie you didn't have herpes then so who knows what he would say if he did know. If he's prepared to forgive you for leaing him to go out wiht someone else, then I guess he may love you. If you don't feel the same about him - and it doesn't sound that you do if you would go on dates with other men if you didn't have the virus - then I'd be careful about how you treat him. Don't tell him just because you think he's your best bet.
Anyway, as far as the anger goes, you're right it's probably not healthy long-term, but totally normal. And sometimes you just have to release it - maybe not by castrating the ass hole - although that's a very comforting image (!) - but go for a long brisk walk, clean a cupboard, shout in the middle of a field - whatever it takes.
Good luck to you
You've made a good start to working through the anger, by posting it on this board. Well done.
My main point though is, I'm HSV-, but dated a wonderful woman who happened to have herpes. She had attacks every month or so for the 18 months we were together. Although I was apprehensive at first, I learned about the virus, and that the risk of transmission could be drastically reduced by her taking suppressive therapy, by us using condoms (we used male and female condoms alternatively), and by avoiding sex when she sensed an outbreak coming on. With all that in place, they say that out of a hundred couples, at the end of a year of sex, only two will have had the uninfected partner catch the virus. (Watch this space though, because often on this forum people correct stats posted by others). Anyway, the take-home message is that I dated a woman who had a severe case of genital herpes, and yet by the two of us being smart about it all, I remained HSV-. And that's during the honeymoon period of relationships when we all have sex as much as possible (believe me, after the first few years, you have sex a lot less, so the risk of transmission goes down accordingly!). I would go so far as to say that it became a bond between us - our little secret.
So please remember that guys are out there who will happily take this journey with you. I'm one of them!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I don't think I will ever be my "normal" self again... the thought of dating and having to tell someone about my H just absolutely turns my stomach... but it helps to be on this board and know that I'm not alone.
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