Question:
My new (soon to be, possibly) girlfriend and I are looking EVERYWHERE for information on the prevention of transmission. I have it and she doesn't. There's not a lot out there on the net about herpes as it relates to lesbians. We're hoping to find another couple [or couples] that can share their personal experiences with transmission prevention.

We've just had our sixth date and we're both afraid to kiss. It has had the added benefit of allowing us to really get to know each other without physical intimacy clouding the situation. So that's a plus. But we don't want this fear. It's built up a huge brick wall between us. And oh yeah, she's the first person I've seriously dated since my divorce.

Any experiences with asymptomatic and dormant HSV positives (carriers) and negatives in a gay relationship that is at least 6-12 months long? We'd like to hear more personal experiences than clinical suggestions. We're both terrified of being physical with each other and need some practical "we've been there" advice. All we can find is cut a condom in half lengthwise and apply it to the area before oral sex takes place...and even then it's not a guarantee. So we're left wondering if we should just be friends or have a sex-less relationship. :cry: :oops:

I've started a Lez Herpes support group with Yahoogroups and one at the Gay and Lesbian community center here locally in Charlotte, but there have been no bites as yet.

Thanks for any help you can provide me with.

Answer:
Hey,

Well I don't know how much actual advice I can give but I can give a "been there done that" scinario and some support...I'm 24 and a half, lesbian also, my best friend of 2 and a half years is bi, and last Sept we began dating. In about end of Sept beginning of Oct it became intimate. Well, I have oral herpes (thrush.) I did not know this at the time, and L and I did The Whole Nine Yards except, fortunately for her, we did not do any oral sex. It was the first lesbian relationship for both of us (even tho I've always known I'm gay!) so we took it slow and enjoyed each other's company.

Anyway...We broke off the romantic part around Christmastime and now we're back to being best friends. Well then I found out about the oral herpes thing, and told her, and it turns out that she has cold sores anyway (and has had them since way before we were together) so it didn't matter to her that I'd inadvertantly exposed her to HSV...It would have mattered if I'd done it maliciously but she knows I'd never.

So, I guess that wasn't much help, I was just trying to be supportive cuz most people I've met here are straight, however...I guess what you and your gf need to decide are:
If she's willing to be exposed to hsv
If you can maintain your relationship on a non-sexual basis, holding hands, etc.
If you want to date awhile longer and then re-evaluate this whole thing.

Some people think HSV is no big deal, some people get zoster and have to be in the hospital, for most people it's somewhere in the middle. You two have to decide where it will lie in your lives.
Take care, and email or IM me if you want to chat.
-Christina
Chrisishere443@aol.com

Answer:
My apologies for responding and not being lesbian (although the men I've met recently may change my mind about that.... :roll: )

Antopia has alot of "alternative" people, and forgive me if I'm clueless, but there was a thread on the message boards about oral sex using dental dams and other various "ways around"...

transmission stats I have found relate only to male/female genital relations.... asymptomatic shedding is responsible for transmission +/-3% over a year woman to man, +/- 6% man to woman - I would assume your percentage would be aaround 6%, due to the nature of womens bodies.

As far as kissing goes, my cousin has oral HSV. She is on her second marriage, has had a few long term boyfriends - is a very affectionate "kissy" person - and has not transmitted it to a partner orally or genitally because she does not kiss when she has symptoms - period.

So the real question is - how in tune are you with your body for symptoms - are you on suppressive therapy to reduce risk? and more importantly - will your partner assume the risk.

safe smart sex will protect your partner - and the possibilities of her getting into a car accident (God forbid) is far greater than contracting this through smart sex.

So forgive my hetero opinion - check out antopia - they are cool about all of this - no one is afraid - they don't even really talk about it - but the message boards always had people there chatting.

Good luck!