Question:
anyone else feel like a piece of sh!t? i sure do... i keep thinking about how good my husband is and how bad i am (or at least, how bad i feel i am), and how i don't deserve a mand like him. i feel like maybe i shouldn't have gone through with the wedding, knowing the things we were going to be dealing with, especially the things my husband was gonna have to deal with as far as living with me and having to put up with me and all that. sometimes i feel like i should just cheat on him so he can see what a horrible person i really am, but the thought of the look on his face if i did just devastates me, and i haven't even done it! i want him to see the real me instead of sugar-coating who i am. he's always telling me i'm a wonderful person, but i don't feel wonderful. he tells me i'm sexy, but i don't feel sexy. i feel like a dirty, worn-out whore, someone who doesn't deserve to stay on this earth and cause problems in other peoples' lives. does anyone else ever feel this way? as if the cost is just too high?

Answer:
I can't begin to imagine why you are feeling so negative about yourself. I could theorize but that would not get to the heart of the situation.

What I would ask you if I was a therapist and I am not is:

Do you know absolutely without any doubt that you are a bad person?
Do you know absolutely without any doubt that you don't deserve this man to love you?
Do you know absolutely what the future holds?
Do you know absolutely that you aren't sexy to this man?
Is it true that you ruin other peoples lives?

Be honest are those statements true? Do you have actual facts to back them up or are these the worst things you can possibly imagine?

What would happen if you didn't believe these things? What would happen if you let yourself believe something else? I think that those statements aren't true.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we hurt other people but that is part of being human. If you believe in a God, a higher being, who created us then you must realize he/she loves you just as you are and wants you to be happy.

Those negative thoughts make you hurt, they may make you cry and they may rob you of all of the good things life can hold for you. Let them go, let your husband love you and begin to love yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Herpes is just a virus it is manageable it doesn't control your life or your future. Things can and will get better.

Have you thought that maybe your husband does see the real you. You may be trying to hide it amidst your pain but you have someone who is there trying to give you love and support because you deserve it.

you can message me privately if you need to.

Answer:
Hi Jenhof,

I know exactly where you're coming from. When I was first diagnosed I went through shock, disappointment, denial and, like you, self-loathing. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid to catch this thing and now my life was ruined, etc etc etc.

But that was 22 years ago. Now I'm happily married to a beautiful woman without herpes simplex and we have a wonderful baby daughter. I know how easy it is to blame yourself for what's happened but that doesn't get you anywhere. I also know that these negative feelings will remain for quite some time and you will have to deal with them. The important thing is to talk with someone who understands, preferably in person.

I remember it took me a long time to get over the shock and get on with my life, but that was largely due to a lack of support. If I'd known about the various charities and support networks that were available at the time I would have been able to get over my angst much sooner and spent years living my life and liking myself instead of withdrawing and hating myself.

Caliope (above) makes a lot of sense. You're not a bad person so don't beat yourself up. Hang in there, you will be OK. Probably sooner than you think.

Answer:
thanks. i really appreciate the support i've found on here so far. it's been great! and i'm also glad when i get to help other people...

i'm married now, too, and my husband is a wonderful man, also without hsv. i look forward to kids, but my doctors aren't sure i can carry full-term, as i've miscarried six time in the last four years. it gets to me, especially since all my friends are pregnant right now, but i try to look ahead and think about a time when i might be there myself... it's hard, though.

gotta go to class...

Answer:
Hey jen....

while most people DO go through various stages of emotions when they initially find out they have herpes (anger, shock, denial, guilt) usually over time these feelings dissipitate.

But reading your post leads me to believe that their are BIGGER issues at stake then just herpes. Calling yourself a "dirty whore" and how you DESERVE to have herpes and how you should "cheat on your husband so he knows how horrible " you are speaks VOLUMNS to me and it has NOTHING to do with herpes. Maybe you are allowing herpes to sabotage your relationship. YOu need to get it together, go seek some counseling and be PROACTIVE about this relationship you are in rather than sit by, feeling bad and let your insecurities and emotions tear this relationship (and yourself) apart.

herpes sucks, but there ARE way worse things out there. Trust me. Such as manic depression, self loathing, self abusive behavior. use this to be YOUR wake up call. Please, get yourself some help, and pronto.

Answer:
it's funny... i was diagnosed manic-depressive about four years ago, and have dealt with depression for almost six. i've been a self-abuser, cutting myself and overdosing on pills for the same length of time. i'm trying to get help, but it's getting ever harder to trust. i know there are way worse things to deal with than herpes, way worse things than depression and all that, and i know i need to just pull myself together and get out of this funk, i'm just having a hard time, and it really helps to get it all down. i appreciate everybody's opinions....

Answer:
Aw Jen, I'm so sorry to hear about all the bad stuff in your life. It's hard huh?? Life... I'm in the process of finding a therapist. I've talked to one of my friends who was raped a couple months ago, and regularly seeing a therapist has helped her so much. I'm not saying everyone needs to do it, but we all need coaching in life at some point. It's not weak to ask for help.. in fact, I wish I had asked for help a LONG time ago.

Answer:
wow jen, i expected as much. (the manic depression.) The thing of it is: all the self mutilation (cutting) , drug use, suicide attempts and sabotaging relationships stem from manic depression.

I think you would be having these thoughts about your marriage (the feelings of worthlessness, not feeling like you "deserve" such love) would exist even if you DID NOT have herpes. Herpes is like the final straw, so to speak and I think that is it exasperating your illness.

So PLEASE do seek additional help. Therapy CAN do wonders. They might temporarily put you on some medication to help and it doens't have to be a lifelong thing. Might be prozac, might be another similar med, but it CAN help you.

There was a great book written a while back called "Prozac Nation" , it was even made into a movie with Christina Ricci. It is the real tale of a womans struggle WITH manic depression. Read the book, I think it might also help. But man, she went REALLY up and down, and lost friends, boyfriends, etc....all because of HER doing. The manic depression was causing her to have all these feelings, sabotage her relationships with both friends and lovers (and her family)....but I think reading this might give you a good perspective of what this illness truly is (assuming you have not read the book/seen the movie) and let you know too you are not the only one when it comes to this.

Good look to you. And please please please, get help. You deserve happiness.