Question:
I was diagnosed with HSV recently and am moving through the process of accepting it and hopefully moving forward. It's been really difficult, to say the least. Long story short I contracted it with someone who was an asymptomatic carrier. When I discovered I had it I had a culture and blood test and both confirmed I had type 1. When I told him he was in shock, was quiet and we talked about it. I think he was in denial and not sure where he is at the moment. We talked the first few weeks and he seemed communicative and supportive while we were waiting for his tests to come back. After both tests were in, all signs pointed to us.

After dealing with the physical symptoms (which were so unpleasant I will not recount them) I am finding that the emotional factor is harder to manage. I find myself crying alot and feeling hopeless. I saw him one more time and that seemed to be fine, but he doesn't really call me. I'm in this terrible purgatory wondering what he's feeling - he has not been communicating with me and I guess I expected him to be more supportive. I get plenty of support from my friends, who have been amazing. But he hasn't even shown me he's capable of being my friend. Before this incident, I think we were on our way to a blossoming relationship.

Any thoughts on this? Could he be feeling guilty because I got this from him? Why doesn't he speak to me? I can't really think of how I feel about him b/c I feel like I'm dealing with this alone and he hasn't really been there for me. I've been thinking of writing him a letter. What to do??

Answer:
He may be afraid of the emotional fallout from this situation and not know how to communicate with you. I imagine that he is faced with the realization, the same as you, that this is a point of no return. Once you know that you have hsv you can't be ignorant of its impact any longer unless you are one of those people who just pretends nothing changed which not many of us can.

Unfortunately that is just my theory. I don't know the guy. I do know that we women communicate differently and we usually have an easier time expressing our feelings with words and actions. Maybe you need to be the one who reaches out. I know that is hard because you are genuinely hurt both emotionally and physically but it sounds like he didn't have any idea he had hsv or was passing it on to you which could lead to some heavy duty guilt.

So look in your heart - you thought there was a relationship blooming there - maybe he thought so too and with this out there he may not legitimately understand what you are feeling - he could feel that he's been shut out too. If it is worth it to you you might want to take the steps to try to have those conversations. If it works out you still have him in your life if not you're in just the same place as you are today.

Herpes is hard but there are plenty of us out there who have it. There are also many wonderful people out there looking for someone like you to love and to be loved in return who won't let herpes be an obstacle.

Answer:
Men do find it hard to communicate, they go on shut down,when i have asked my husband about why he sometimes does ths he says he just doesnt know how to help and make me feel better.
I think writing a letter is a brilliant idea, when i am talking, i cant always get it across how i feel and i am just not understood, so i write to my husband,and i get how i am feeling out that way.
When i was first diagnosed (about 4 weeks ago)feels like a bloody lifetime!!! i went through so many emotions icould be calm one minute, suicidal the next wanted a divorce later, etc...I sat down and cried whilst writing a long letter and told him how i felt,how i loved him but at the same time couldnt stand him and that he had hurt me by passing this on to me, it all came out which was really good therapy,it worked i had finally without shouting(which i think he had closed his ears to me,anyway!! as it was all the time!!)

So give it a go, you are both in shock at the moment.
good luck

Answer:
Thank you for your kind words Caliope and UK girl. As much as I would like to call and/or write him a letter, i don't think i'm quite ready to do this yet. Truth is, I've been dealing with HPV for most of my adult life and it all feels very overwhelming at this point. I totally understand that STDs are not life threatening, but I also know that having Herpes in addition has just added another complicated layer...

And although I do try to empathize with his side, I simply don't know what he's going through because he is not telling me. And the fact is we weren't that far into the relationship. I guess I expected him to behave in a more supportive way... I don't know... the way I see it, is no matter how guilty you feel, if you cared about the person, you would try to communicate. I realized I don't want a partner who acts like this in hard times and am starting to feel resentful b/c I feel like he gave this to me and abandoned ship. I do not have the feelings of blame until I think about his reaction. I understand it was a completely unfortunate incident bc I do truly believe he did not know he was a carrier. And also again the fact that we used condoms. No one ever thinks that you can get this stuff via oral sex!

Anyway, even beyond the guy, the core issue is not about him at all. That was just a small part in which I don't know how to deal with. His rejection of me makes me feel extremely insecure. I thought I would come here to see if anyone had any similar experiences. The bigger issue is how to move forward with both. I have developed a real fear of intimacy because of it. Been through therapy, etc. Not sure what else to do at this point. I just want to stop crying about it!

I know it's all a matter of perspective but why does it seem so hard to get a grasp on that? You'd think the 2nd time would be easier but in fact I'm find it's harder. I got the HPV from one of my first partners and this now. In between those 15 years, I've never had unprotected sex. It all just seeems so unfair.

Answer:
:lol: :lol: Please try and be strong, my first husband was a real womaniser and he was the first bloke i had slept with he passed on to me many std's including HPV he then brainwashed me into thinking i had caught this off a toilet seat, i know you might think this funny and it is now i actually thought i had slept walked and slept with me nieghbour!!(that bloke really screwed my head up)he used to play terrible mind games with me, but it was only seeing a contact tracer at the clinic who sat me down and told me you dont get these off a toilet seat, that the penny dropped(yes i was niave and totally in love!!)PRAT more like!!

Anyway finally divorced him years later! and am with husband no2 who is brill, and he passed GHSV1 to me 4 weeks ago from a coldsore, ironic really,I feel like an std dumping ground, and the one thing husband no1 didnt give me no2 did!!!
Really dont think i will chance it with marrying again if this doesnt work!!

I know your mind will be all over the place, i was 18 when i was diagnosed with HPV and i am nearly 40 now and i dont give it a thought, so i am hoping in time i will feel this way about herpes, dont write him off just yet, men dont deal well with problems they just hibernate!!!

take care

Answer:
Serendip - it is perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do. You are not required to do anything about this guy unless you want to. I also don't blame you for feeling badly about how this is affecting you - for goodness sakes you are important too and deserve all of the support and understanding that can be mustered. It is good that you are identifying that you're not ready to reach out to him. You need to put yourself first.

I think the hardest part about a second hit is that you may be disappointed in yourself - you did use protection and you did that because you were taking responsibility for yourself. That's a big blow to take. Here you did the right thing and it backfired in more than one way. Do you think that is what makes this so hard for you right now?

I don't believe it's your fault and you deserve to let yourself off the hook.

As for your guy he sounds like most men I know who are just plain afraid of how you will react so he's sticking his head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge reality. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. Does he deserve to hear how you feel - YES. I think someone should march right up to him and tell him he blew it. He was not as responsible as he should have been. He needs to know that his behavior has a negative impact on your life and not just physically. He violated your trust and that makes it hard for you to trust others. Did he maybe have some physical symptoms of hsv once upon a time? Probably and he ignored them or didn't know what they were and instead of seeing a dr and asking or getting it checked out he stuck his head in the sand and promptly forgot. Am I being harsh. YES. But I think you deserve to have someone stand up for you. Will he act differently if he really knows how you feel - It is likely he will but right now no one is pushing the accountability in his face so he doesn't have to do anything.

I'm sorry you are hurt by this. I am sorry this is weighing so heavily on you. You deserve much better than this.

Answer:
sorry girls but your putting all blokes into one basket.

i deal with problems head on - by talking about them, i was like that before i caught HSV and am still like it now

i didnt just wake up and have this - i caught from a girl who i found out later knew she had HSV - but decided not to tell me.

i didnt get a choice - but i dint go screaming at people and blaming everyone else.

ive not slept with any girls since who didnt know about my condition - i didnt bury my head in the sand either.

please dont think "all men are the same" or i cud just think "all women are slags"

which i dont.

Answer:
Really sorry didnt mean to offend and yes its wrong to say all blokes SORRY!!!

Answer:
lol - i wasnt "offended"

just annoys me as some women seem to just blame men for everything.

the men who gave it to you caught it from a woman.

the attitude some men have - is down to thier upbringing - men are ment to get on with things, no go crying about it.

im just saying thats all.