Question:
For my own mental therapy, I'm interested in hearing other's experience of their first day, second day, third day, week, month etc. after learning they were positive.

I find myself moving day by day and making progress at keeping my head from exploding, but I would love to hear from people what they experienced and how they continued to take steps forward toward dealing with the mental crap that seems to boil up uncontrolably after diagnosis.

My first few days:

I found out Tuesday. I had the strong impression how the results would come back.

When I saw the "positive" on the report, my eyes buldged, my heart pounded in my ears, and I couldn't think. I re-read everything 3 times and then just had to walk. No distnation, just had to walk. Literally it felt like a scene from a horror movie where the actor freaks out and the music and sound effects emphasize the horror of the moment.

My mind raced to how my life is over, my relationship will be over and I'll be alone forever, never having sex again and turning into some odd sort of hermit. I went to the bathroom because I thought I would vomit. Looked at myself in the mirror and saw horribly scared, agonized face staring back at me. My eyes welled up but I couldn't cry. I felt stuck, alone and like I was literally dying. I had to face people in the next 5 mins so I sat there alone until I could put on a pretend face. Nothing for the next hour penetrated my brain because the only thing that would fit into my head was the feeling of self loathing and disgust at having something like this.

That night I hit the web and spent hours looking through all the posts here. When I finally couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I went to bed, only to wake up 1 hour later with my heart pounding out of my chest and my brain scrambled enough to make me feel like I was going insane. I was up for the rest of the night.

Day 2 - I was a zombie most of the day and my only clarity was logging in, reading posts, and learning more. My mind when through the "maybe it's a false positive phase" and then chased itself in circles about "when and who" did I get this from. The support and feedback I got to my original posts helped keep me sane. I found myself on my knees praying for guidance. I found myself reviewing my life and how the new info changed my thinking about it all. Late into the evening I called someone for advice. There was no time to talk but we set a time for 24 hours later. A touch of mental relief, but still fear about all the bad things my mind was making up haunted me. Night 2was a repeat of night 1. I knew I was going to make myself ill if I didn't get sleep, yet, I was freaking.

Day 3 - I knew people were noticing how I lost focus during our conversations and often found myself looking down at my feet. I tried to keep on a happy and brave face. Yes, there were times I just felt like I wanted to cry it out. But I couldn't cry. Maybe it's a man thing or maybe it's a me thing. My mind kept thinking about "how could I have this", "how long have I had this", and I came up with a possible answer to who might have infected me based on advice and feedback I had from folks on the forum. Had my conversation with the person I called the day before for advice. Didn't get any advice really, but felt better and agreed to talk again in a few days. Was fortunate enough to query the person I suspected gave it to me. Saw her in a totally new light based on my lack of sleep and new perspective. I was surprised I didn't hate her. I guessed it was shock still. I also kept thinking if I got this years ago, I am the same person I was last month with the exception knowing one bit of information that I was using to drive myself personally crazy. Night 3, I slept for 4 hours and it felt like such a relief.

Day 4 - today - I had several meetings and conversations where I could focus on the work at hand and it felt like a relief to stop beating myself up so much. There were still some very dark moments while alone in my car driving, but it was a better day. I wonder now a bit if I'm in some self-delusional world or just starting to cope with it. I do feel like I have more clarity than ever on what's important in my life, who is important to me and a clearing of some of the mental cobwebs about "where am I going in my life". It's an odd sense of perspective in that some of the things I was concerned about seem so "high school" now. In other words, immature. I felt like any ego I had before had literally been burned out of me the instant I got the diagnosis. I found myself sitting still more today and enjoying simple moments. A little wistful and feeling a little bitter sweet. A little relieved too at having my mental self assault let up enough to see things around me again.

I had a flash back to a few years ago when I saw an elderly couple sitting on fully clothed on the beach together. It was clear they came to the beach not to swim but to experience it together. She looked ill, like she had cancer or something and moved very slowy with his support. They watched me and my two very young sons playing. When her eyes met mine, they were smiling and I got the impression she made the trip for one last look at the beach and was appreciating the moment, and me playing with my young sons, so much more than I could imagine. Seemed like she was looking at it from the perspective that it would be over for her soon. After remembering that I cried and I prayed. I was thankful that it's not over for me and that I have the ability, at least for the moment, to appreciate every moment more than I ever have before in my life.

I hope day 5 is as much of an improvement over day 4 was over day 3. I get the sense of "all bets are off now" in terms of what life "should be" versus what life "is". I still have lots of crap in my head and coupled with it now are thoughts of "improving myself" and that I can be an even better person with this new sense of perspective.

I think the shock is wearing off and the sadness is moving in.

Thanks everyone for their support. I would love to hear how others got through the first day, days, week, etc.

Answer:
I've written so much that its hard to go back to that time. You are welcome to check out all of my posts since march. I was diagnosed in January but, like you, I suspected I had something for years but the dr's were always puzzled and didn't test for herpes.

Initially I was in shock and in that stupor you described. I was worried about my current relationship and what would happen to it. I cried in the beginning but realized again, like you, that this is just a confirmation nothing changed except my knowledge of my own condition and the fact that I have to be responsible to protect others.

I found this site and learned that reading others experiences and comments and suggestions was therapeutic.

It's now 6 months to the day since my diagnosis and it isn't a walk in the park but I have come to terms with this virus and I'm gonna be happy and hold my head up and demand respect from others because I deserve it. I'll never hang my head in shame over this.

I'm actually a much happier person because I learned that I'm a survivor. I'm someone who has had some big crap thrown at me and I didn't fold. I'm getting through it and I'm gonna be okay.

Answer:
I like this:

"I'm actually a much happier person because I learned that I'm a survivor. I'm someone who has had some big crap thrown at me and I didn't fold. I'm getting through it and I'm gonna be okay."

I'll read your posts. Thanks.

Answer:
Those early days were a nightmare, you do not think rationally,every emotion is extreme, you don't want to live but you don't want to die either.
I took to sleeping on the setee, as i thought i would contaminate my husband, so he slept next to me on the floor, as i wouldn't move, it was a very sad time.


"If only" was my every thought,i was not shocked when the results came through, i believe that is when the healing process started, i have it, now what do i do about it??
Sink or swim???

3 months on... I am still here,but realise nothing is going to make this go away it's not my every thought,i am still the person i was, just wiser and stronger.

We all have one go at this life,it's up to us to make the most of it, if we had good times every day we wouldn't appreciate it, so to have bad times makes us realise life is good,nothing lasts forever sadness, tears and laughter.

Life is a learning curve,we will be better people for having adversity thrown at us.
We wont die from this,it will bring us down from time to time, it will make us look at how we treat our bodies, what relationships we take up.

I would rather not have this, but it's here and here to stay,so just going to get on with life,if i hadn't of got this i wouldn't of met such great supportive people on this site,so every cloud has a silver lining!!

Answer:
Night 4 - I slept about 7 hours. Woke up late and felt 1/2 normal finally. It's more like the mental beating I've been giving myself was starting to wind down.

Day 5 - There have been spikes of sadness today but I've continued to be able to enjoy and appreciate life more. I found myself giving encouragement and warmth to others when I saw they needed that little extra support. I can only figure that since I'm so sensitive to silently suffering at the moment, my heart reaches out to help others. Not focusing on myself helps too.

All day today and yesterday, I kept wondering about every little itch, scratch, poke regrowing hair(I groomed myself 2 weeks ago) and sweat trickle. I stopped myself for being such a hypochondriac and refocused my attention.

Late this afternoon, I received as much confirmation is possible, given the intervening years, that I was the second one in our relationship that was infected. It felt like within a few moments, 1/2 of my internal aguish fell away like the calving of a glacier at ocean's edge. I got it from the mother of my children and the relief comes from the fact that I was in a committed relationship when I caught it from her rather than being the one who gave it. It removes a lot of the guilt for me because I don't feel at fault and I know how it happend in the middle of a "true love" relationship.

I can't be mad at her because I have so much love for her and the children we made together. Knowing that I've had it for years without knowing it, also allows me to relax about what to expect going forward.

Given where I am now, the help and support I've received in the last week from the members here feels a bit like emergency steel support girders put in place to help keep a skyscraper from falling in on itself. With support I probably would have fallen down as a person, and spilled my internal anguish and angst all over the ones I love.

Posting here and reading what people say is a bit like therapy to me and I appreciate it. I'm hoping that someone else can benefit from me sharing as much as I've benefited from others.

Not that I am an expert at relationships, but I do want to give a bit of male perspective to the women here who may wonder about their relationship with their male significant others. As a man who caught it from a woman during a true and committed relationship, my love for her completely and absolutely outweighs the fact that I caught it from her. Time has faded the misunderstanding of her not clearly disclosing it to me but even then we were 100% completely in love. It is possible that I am a completely absolutely unique man in this regard (I don't think so), but I can't find any anger in my heart toward her.

I would expect that if your relationship is strong and full of love, talking to him about it might not be so bad. If the relationship was in trouble before, then this may just be another brick in the wall, but not the brick that started the wall.

I'm feeling oddly blessed and thankful right now. Not blessed at finding out I have it, just blessed about how things are in all areas of my life and how it's definitely not "over" as my mind so skillfully and artistically conjured up the worst case scenario. Maybe tonight I can get a full night's sleep.

Answer:
Night 5 - slept 6+ hours. Woke rested.

Day 6 - Today was the best I've had in 2+ weeks. I spent most of the day doing father's day things. Barely had the moments of sadness and was very busy preparing for the next week of work. I still felt sexually "dead" but not the same feeling of taintedness I had before. It's still sinking in that I've had this for years without knowing.

Still feeling the personal clarity and had more thoughts about why not to beat myself up(posted in "newly diagnosed" section).

Kind of feel like my self inflicted mental trauma is winding down. Thank heavens.

Answer:
Beating yourself up is futile. When the rest of the world is happy to do it without an invitation it makes no sense to punish oneself.

So much of what we believe is based on very little truth and on considerable fear of the unknown. It holds us hostage and makes us miserable.

When those thoughts arive question them.

Question - why do I believe this? is this really true? do I absolutely know that this is true? where would I be without this thought? what is really true?

If it hurts it might not be true. what is the truth if it is not what you fear?

Answer:
i was diagnosed on May 1st, 2007. i was and still am devastated. this past week, through the weekend and today are horrible for me. i am mad, sad, depressed, angry, sore, exhausted. i am taking all of the recommended vitamins and herbs, cut back on my alcohol intake, get 6-7 hours rest each night (even though i do not feel rested when i get up). i have my period and feel like i might be having an ob, but cannot bring myself to even look. i have nobody in my life that i have told about this, so it is me, myself and i and this forum. i do feel better after reading some positive posts, but still hate and struggle daily with virus. i will pay for the rest of my life for trusting somebody who obviously is not trustworthy otherwise i would not be here today.:(

Answer:
bluefrog - yes you will have this for the rest of your life but you will not necessarily pay for the rest of your life. There is no reason to believe that you will always be alone or that these ob's will always be as bad as they are today.

I am betting that a year from now you will be an entirely new person with a much brighter perspective. For the time being you are learning to deal with something new and unpleasant but it won't always be like it is today.

I don't have people in my life to share this with either and sometimes that is really hard. I also see that on this forum I can be more honest and straight forward about what I am experiencing without worrying about it coming back to bite me. Sometimes family and friends don't realize that we are working on our thoughts and emotions and trying to figure out what fits and they get defensive or opinionated and they remember these things far after we've moved on to the real business at hand. This fact makes this forum all that more valuable as we all grow into this experience.